I get some replies to emails/posts I send out and I read every one. I am always open to suggestions on topics to write about and points of views to ponder. I appreciate it all and want to make sure you knew. I feel supported and loved even if I never know you read what I wrote, but when you let me know, the feeling is indescribable. Recently I have been overwhelmed not only by the amount of love that I get from you, readers, friends, but also from the support I get from people who take my classes, ask me to coach them privately and organizations that feel I could in some way be an asset to their mission. It seems that every day I am being thanked for doing what I am passionate about and there is nothing better than that.
When someone sends me gratitude I always feel honored and never really let it in too much, for some reason I have believed this to be a logical way of living. I thought that being a bit detached from the love was a good idea…until Tuesday. I received a reply to "What's Good" from someone where they wrote "For Aina's Writing."
Tuesday I was in a state of exhaustion that was rather intense (not enough sleep). I was also feeling relaxed and open. I then began reading my emails. When I read the last one, and saw the last bullet I felt something in me open up. I realized that I had just been pierced. I didn't know there had been a barrier between me and feeling the love that was pouring out all of this time, but there was. We all hear what we are ready to hear. We can only receive what we are able to receive. There are many times where someone feels criticized because they don't hear the compliments being given, not because they are being complimented, but because they have a block to hearing praise. We focus on what we focus on. There is a part of me that struggles with feeling deserving of being loved in various areas. I have never wanted to let being loved go to my head, honestly. How crazy is that? When I felt the gratitude for me through that email, that idea of having a 'big head' around being loved was shattered into a billion little pieces.
Why wouldn't I want that to go to my head? I want it to go to my heart, my cells, my DNA, my being. I want love to be what I shower in, lotion up with and eat on a daily basis. I want love to be what goes in and out of my mouth. I want love to puff me up so I float instead of touch ground. I have been pushing it away so I remain, what??? Closed off to receiving it? My goodness what was I thinking? When I read that last bullet, "Aina's Writing" I began to cry. I cried because I felt it, finally. I felt the gratitude that has been sent to me over and over and over. I felt it from everyone that has ever told me that they appreciated me. I feel it now.
Sometimes you have to keep letting someone know what they mean to you before it sinks in. Sometimes you have to push your love up and all over someone with no expectation, only because it is true. They will get it when they are ready. I did.
I want to thank you. You. You for loving me, for supporting me. For telling me. I wish I could tell you how much I appreciate you in a way where you could feel what I feel around it… Until I figure that out I will just keep writing it, saying it, feeling it and sending it out to you.