pain

That Old Feeling

Howdy, "Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain."  ~Robert Gray Lee

We all get hurt.  Nothing that freaks us out, hurts our feelings or brings up a feeling of being overwhelmed stems from this moment.  We are all replaying and reusing old pain when new pain arises.  You may feel abandoned by a friend at some point, regardless of whether or not the friend actually abandoned you.  What that fried may have done is helped you recall the feeling of abandonment.   You feelings of abandonment are not rooted in the present moment.  Something somewhere happened and you are now vigilant about  finding the things that you have been hurt by in the past, in order to not feel them in the future.   You can always tell when the feeling is from the past.  You tell this because you recognize it.  It is familiar.

We don't mean to tell someone that they did something.  We just don't ever get the tools to really say what is happening for us.  In some ways we may actually feel like the person is actually doing something to us because of how attached our response is to their behavior.  What hurts us the most is what we tend to look for the most.  We put energy into it and feel justified on doing so when we tend to find what hurt us everywhere we look.  We believe we find it because it is there.  The truth is that it is there because we look for it.

Taking the blame out of your pain is a big deal.  Knowing that  what pains you stems from past experiences can, if you are able to in the moment, de-escalate the interaction by taking ownership of your issue… by knowing the root as well.  You don't have to know where it cam from to know that it didn't start today.  No one is experiencing trauma (regardless of the kind) for the first time at the age of 30.  You are in the middle of being triggered by a situation that reminds you of previous times.  This can be frustrating at times and unpleasant for the one who does the triggering… but it doesn't have to be all for naught.

When you are in a relationship/friendship or what-have-you, you are working towards a deeper understanding of yourself.  Through others you will see yourself.  All you need to do is look.  Being triggered allows you to face some past hurts that have yet to be resolved.  In actuality being triggered is a blessing if your goals are to know who you are and where you came from.  Being triggered allows you to put some closure on the past.  If it isn't happening right now then you are ok and when it is happening right now you are managing it because that is what we all do.  We are fine, we are strong, we are able even when we are not.

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."  ~Khalil Gibran

xo

a

What's Good???

Good morning! It is Tuesday!!  :)  Gratitude breeds more gratitude… isn't that awesome? This only  takes a few moments to do but gives to you for much, much longer.  So put down whatever you are doing and take a couple of minutes for yourself.  Every Tuesday morning I am going to ask you to write down 5 things that you are grateful for and email them to me (keep for yourself as well).  What are you feeling gratitude around?  Here are mine for this week:

Peace.

Space.

My Girlfriends.

HGTV.

Tattoos.  

There are no right or wrong answers.  It is about what you are grateful for.   It is proven that doing this once a week for three months (actually just 9 weeks) makes you happier, healthier, exercise more and less sensitive to perceived slights.  You will sweat the small stuff less and focus on what really matters.

So… what are you waiting for???

Food for thought:

When we are hurt we want to find someone who is to blame.  Someone must be at fault if we feel any negative emotion.  All emotion is necessary and none of it is actually negative, inherently… and no one is to blame for your pain.  When you own your decisions, your reasons, your excuses; when you own your life and your role in it you stop blaming others and you begin to experience pure joy.  No one owes you anything, believe it or not.  You are not a victim.  You are an all-powerful being that, at some point, will come into her power.  Take some steps today to come into yourself a little more.  Claim ownership.  Be in charge.  Stop finding a villain and start living.         

See love, feel love, be love.  See peace, feel peace, be peace.  See strength, feel strength, be strength.

xo

a

Healing

Happy Day! Healing is a process, sometimes long, sometimes painful, and almost always surprising.  Sometimes healing occurs when you are just ready to move on from repeating the same things over and over.  Sometimes healing happens because there is nothing left to do with the pain anymore.  You have squeezed every ounce of every emotion out of it.

I remember years after my marriage ended and I ran into the minister that had married us.  She had been a close friend of my spouse's, a godmother actually, and I hadn't seen her since things went to the dogs.  We bumped into one another and were genuinely happy to catch up.  I remember feeling excited to hear how my ex was but I didn't have any underlying feelings or wishes that they were available, pining after me, or any other such nonsense.  I was curious about someone I had loved and that was that.  I felt so good after I left that interaction because I felt like a major part of me had healed from letting go of what I had planned on being the rest of my life.  The funny thing about healing is that it is as layered as baklava.  That healing, the getting beyond wanting the relationship again, had healed.  I have never gone back.  There has been no revisiting it in a nostalgic way or with any longing.  I am, as they say, over it.

However, the other parts of a relationship, and there are many, that were affected by that ending were then able to surface.  Over the next few years they came up, one by one and sometimes more, depending on the situation!  Sometimes the universe would give me one issue to deal with, others it would drop a bus on me.  Either way, I was able to manage my way through each issue around my past that sprung up in my present.  Healing takes time, patience and timing.  Often the time that is needed is to allow yourself to actually gain some perspective.  Looking back you are able to see things from a less emotional place which often means you are not taking things so personally.

Healing is sometimes as painful as the event that elicited the pain to begin with.  When we have held onto hurt we often don't know how to let it go, it becomes a part of us.  We get used to being the damaged person and when the time comes for the healing to happen you may find that you are resistant to it.  You may find that you set yourself to repeat what you have done before just so you are able to remain in a place that is well-known to you.  Often pain allows you to hold onto whatever was lost.  Letting go of that can mean finally letting go of whatever or whoever triggered the hurt to begin with, which, amazingly enough, we don't actually always want to do.  This is the timing part.  When you are at a point where the pain no longer serves you it is easier to let it go.

Being patient with yourself is the next bit.  Healing happens when healing happens.  There is no right or wrong way.  Allow yourself to be where you are.  No one has the right to decide when you are done with whatever has happened in your life.  One day we will begin to allow each other the space to be who we are, when we are, where we are.

Love yourself as you would love a newborn baby.  Remember that you are learning.  Remember that you are growing.  Remember that you are doing the best that you can.  That is all you can do.  That is all we ever can do.

xo

a

Resistance Is Painful

Howdy! What was the thing that happened to you?  You know, when you were a kid, teenager, young adult, thirty-something, middle-aged, yesterday?  How was it awful?  What triggers it?  How often do you relive it?  Where do you see it seeping into your current life and relationships?  Do you think, just for a moment, that whatever it was that happened was a blessing?

I have mentioned before that my psychic gift is 'knowing.'  I 'know' things and that is simply just the way that it is.  One of the reasons this gift is stronger than others that I have is because of my being raised with a mother that could be very depressed, extremely loving, moody and mean, generous and giving, dark and light.  I so wanted to please her that I worked on knowing exactly what she wanted/needed before I had to deal with the mood in a negative way.  My gift was honed by my desire to survive in a peaceful way.  I was told by a friend/client/psychic that I needed to remember to appreciate my upbringing for giving me the opportunity to grow my talent.  If I didn't show gratitude for all, and I mean, all that I have experienced that would mean I was not grateful for who I am now.  Honestly, I couldn't be happier with who I am and am more than grateful for all of the trials, challenges, and tribulations I have faced.  I have learned how to be me through those experiences.

Recently, my sister and I were discussing how pain is resistance.  When we resist our experiences those experiences become painful.  When we say, "It should NEVER have happened" we feel pain associated with it.  When you accept that it happened and are curious as to what you were meant to know from it, the pain ceases and the learning begins.  We are so caught up with blame, fault, guilt and regret that we spend little to know time on growth, learning, joy, love and happiness.  Even now, someone reading this may feel like they need to feel bad about the bad things that happened to them.  To that I say.  Do what you want… if it works for you, it works for you.

Try to look at your life with a different lens.  See your life as a series of gifts to create the you of today, tomorrow and the next.  You have so much to learn, do, see, feel and share.  Be grateful, always in all ways.  Do you believe that is possible for you to do?

xo

a

You Thought It, You Brought It or On Scarcity - Part II

Hello! Years ago when I worked for Rutgers University as the Assistant Women's Rowing Coach I had a roommate.  She was an Academic Athletic Advisor.  One of her sports was actually rowing which made it easy to get work done since we shared a living space as well as needed to consult at work.  Inga was getting over a pretty significant relationship when I met her and was far from recovered.  Living and working together made us fast friends and able to speak on highly personal matters quickly.  She told me about her ex on a daily basis.  Aubrey was mormon and had been disowned by her family in Utah when she fell in love with Inga.  They had driven out to NJ where Aubrey, realizing the gravity of having no family and that she wasn't ready for the commitment the relationship would need, left her to go home to Salt Lake and work on reconnecting with her family.  Inga had become basically despondent outside of work and felt utterly alone.  Aubrey was all she could think about.

We moved into a new place, after subletting for a short time in order to really get a handle on where we wanted to live, and one of the first things Inga noticed was the name of the appliances in the kitchen: Aubrey.  She cursed and mentioned something about it being just her luck.  I thought it was pretty interesting that the very person she wanted to work on forgetting wouldn't go away in her own mind and in her own kitchen.

A few months after we had settled in I began dating someone new.  I was pretty excited because I just knew that this was a significant relationship in my life.  Now, up until I met Inga I had actually never known anyone named Aubrey.  Shortly after meeting her I learned of her ex and that there were appliances by that name.  Then came my Aubrey.  We began dating and I kept it under wraps from Inga wondering how she would take having to hear and say that name once again.  Inga handled the news with a similar curse as the one after the appliance discovery and then got over it with grace.  After Aub and I ended our relationship I discovered the shampoo of the same name. :)  It is actually really good stuff that my sister uses regularly, FYI.

It is the case that what you focus on comes up in your life, period.  Have you ever seen a friend's new car only to now see that car everywhere?  Was it there before?  Are you now noticing it because it has been pointed out?  It may be a bit of both, but it most certainly takes attention to bring it into your world.  What if your focus was directed instead of haphazard?  What if you set an intention instead of allowed your mind to be molded by what we hear and see on TV, radio, newspapers, magazines, etc.?  What is it that you would like to see?  Where is your focus?  If you want to know what you believe and think about regularly, look at your life.  If you believe that there isn't enough of something or that we are all doomed, then doom is what you will see and inevitably create.  If you would like to see the abundance of love in the world, not only will you see it, you will be it as well.

We have the power to bring into existence what we love yet we continue to bring into the world what we fear.  We create scarcity by believing that there isn't enough.  We create lack of love by believing we are alone and disconnected.  We create hate by breeding it within.  In order to live in a loving, supportive, abundant place we have to believe, despite outward appearances, that this place already exists and see it no matter what.  We have to refuse to buy into what we outwardly 'see' and 'believe' to be true.  Change your mind and your reality changes.  Change your view to something new.

xo

a

Going Through It

"The only way out is through."  ~Alanis Morissette Pain avoidance.  This is standard for many of us.  To do whatever you can in order to not feel feelings that are unpleasant.  The problem is that the pain doesn't go away with the avoidance, it gets buried.  I have spent a lot of time either moving from one painful thing to the next without much time to process, either because the trauma happens so soon after the last one or because I make life too full to feel sad.

Admittedly, I enjoy joy.  LOVE IT!  It is so, well, awesome.  I also enjoy getting out of painful situations as quickly as possible.  I am rather adept at it as well.  I simply don't feel the need to dwell on something that doesn't lift me up.  However, in my rush to get to joy I have sometimes tried to move past the feeling of shittiness in all of its nasty glory before getting to all of the stuff the pain would like for me to learn.  In turn I have unacknowledged pain that will, inevitably, need an outlet.

Feeling deeply brings up many things in us that we may not enjoy.  Our feelings of self-worth tend to be attached to our feelings of pain.  We judge why we hurt, we blame others for hurting us, we curse those who we believe don't understand our pain.  Basically going through pain can make you a bit nutso.  The truth is the feeling gives you so much if you allow yourself to go there.  There is something rich in understanding why you are hurting, really getting to the crux of it.  You may not be able to move past the thing that triggered the pain until you actually process all of the things that led to you attaching pain to the event/situation.

If you are finding yourself repeating situations in your world that lead you to a place of sadness you may be hard-headed.  You may not be getting what the universe is saying.  You may need to slow down, listen in and get what you have been given.

Good luck.

xo

a