Compassion

Toxic

Hello there! There are people in your world that may not need to stay. If that resonated then I am talking to you. It doesn't matter if they are your sister, mother, brother or friend, if they are toxic then they aren't helping you. I know you may feel like I am being harsh or that you couldn't possibly cut off ties with someone you are related to or are friends with, but it isn't about what you think you should do, it is about what is best for you; what is best for your soul. In order to hear what I am saying you have to let go of your sense of duty and obligation and your fear and judgment around being left by someone you want to stay in your life. You will have to be brutally honest with yourself and you might have to have a "come to Jesus" moment where you give yourself a mini intervention. You may be in an abusive relationship in some way and refused to see it as such simply because you love the person, are related to them or have been acquainted for some period of time.

Know that saying how you feel about a, b or c doesn't actually label someone as bad or wrong… you are simply stating your feelings. We often refuse to say how we truly feel about a person or situation because we think that saying you don't like a person's particular behavior is saying you think ill of the person. Not the case. Those two things are separate. For example: For me, my mother is toxic. This doesn't actually mean that I am saying my mother is evil, horrible or a bad person, just that I feel happier and healthier when I have little to no interaction with her. I am stating the truth about how I feel and what my experience has been in regards to her. She says very unkind things on a regular basis and seems to get a kick out of using very aggressive language to illustrate her disdain for me, so I choose to take my leave. When something is toxic it is poisonous or harmful. People can be toxic regardless of their connection to you, you being close doesn't equal yummy treatment. People can be mean and hurtful in your opinion and you don't actually have to judge them or take it personally. You can let them be who they are without having to be with them. We forget that we don't have to force change on people, we don't have to always make someone understand us or do what we want. It isn't reasonable to always try to have others bend to your will. Sometimes relationships aren't meant to be and that is and always will be ok. We make things really complicated when we judge them; when we judge them we have a hard time letting them be what they are.

What they are is simple too. People aren't generally mean to you because they just love being mean or they desire toxicity. If someone isn't treating you well, in your opinion, they most likely are doing the same thing to themselves. If you can stop and remember that we see the world the way that we are… so if someone is unhappy, mean, cruel, abusive they most likely are in pretty bad shape spiritually and emotionally. They don't need judgment, no one does. They don't need cruelty in return and they most certainly don't need enabling. You aren't here to be abused or mistreated. Being loving isn't staying with or around someone who brings you down. Regardless of understanding why someone is being awful to you, you don't actually need to deal with it. or stay in the abusive situation or relationship. The understanding is so you can remember to be compassionate, from a distance if necessary.

Now, what if the person that is toxic is you? This is the case for at least one person that will read this. If you are your own worst connection you aren't going to be able to take your leave as you could with something that isn't you. You will have to stay and deal with your demons. We can be the biggest abusers to ourselves and not even recognize it. If you put yourself down, discourage, say mean things, or are impatient with allowing yourself to be where you are, you most likely are toxic to you… The first step in getting out of this cycle with yourself is recognizing that this is true and that you would prefer to do something different; that you would prefer to be supportive of you. When you can be your own biggest fan, the wind beneath your own wings the possibilities are endless (they are endless anyway).

Find what makes you sick, nauseated, anxious, unhappy and remove it from your world. Your thoughts and the feelings that come up around them make up the world you live in. Create a space in your life that is conducive to you living your best life, being your best self, and feeling your best. This space should be guarded like the priceless treasure it is. Let no one, not even that meanie that lives within, disrupt it. You are worth being honored and cherished every day of your life by any and everyone that wants to be a part of it. See how your life changes when you begin to accept only the best from yourself and others.

Tree Silhouette Against Starry Night Sky

xo

a

You Never Know

HI there, I grew up in Cleveland, OH on the westside in Riverside Projects.  Now, I don't know why it was called riverside because the only thing we were next to was an airport.  Ok, not directly next to it, but planes would come so low overhead that I felt like I was going to be hit by one.  I became so scared of a plane missing its landing and hitting our house that I started freaking out about death in general.  I remember that I was more afraid of the plane hitting the house when I was in situations that I thought would be compromising.  I really never wanted to be found on the toilet, dead, so I would get nervous when I went to the loo.  That fear passed and would come back here and there.  We lived at Riverside for 13 years.

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When we finally moved out of Cleveland and out of the projects we went to North Carolina.  We had high hopes to live in the house my mother was raised in, restore it, and live a life farming, loving each other and living dreams we hadn't dared to dream yet.  When we arrived we were greeted with an unwelcoming committee (my mother's uncle who, like a lot of her family have a chip and are simply an unhappy lot).  We moved into the projects of Dunn, NC and it started again; save for this time we were in 102 degree heat in the middle of a little town that wasn't at all familiar to me.  I struggled through depression for years in NC.  It was some of the darkest days (until my early 20's) that I had experienced.

During the time I spent in the projects, which was up until I was 14 basically, no one ever asked me if I was going to college or truly cared about what I would do with my life.  It was assumed that life was pretty much decided for me… I would probably have babies early and repeat a cycle that I was actually not a part of, but believed to be because everyone is a fuck up in the projects living off of welfare, right?  Well, my mother had me when she was 31 and grew up middle-class.  She didn't finish college but she is off the charts IQ-wise and had a strong sense of self-worth.  She had/has shitty taste in men (yep, my father is great in ways and not in others) and ended up raising her babies alone.  It is not an easy thing, being a single parent, and so she lived where she could afford and did what she needed.  I am glad because I am a badass because of it.

You never know what someone has gone through to get to where they are.  You never know the journey it takes to live the life someone is living.  We assume so many things about each other and never stop to ask questions, to be curious.  I went to college and have traveled the world, I am able to relate to any and everyone because I am everyone.  I see myself in the person on the street begging, the woman about to get her child that is crying after waking up from a nap, and the President of a Fortune 500 company.  I know that the idea of separateness that we hold so dear and we believe keeps ups so safe actually does more harm than anything else.  And, at the same time, without all of the rejection, discrimination and classism I have experienced I wouldn't be the compassionate soul that I am today.

Before you decide that you know something about someone you have never met or someone who you have; before you look at statistics instead of individual people; before you write someone off because they aren't familiar to you; before you get all f*cking judgmental think about me or someone else you know that defied odds, ignored statistics, who wouldn't quit.  Maybe your kindness, your inspiration is just what they need to move forward.  Then again, maybe your being an ass is what they need to move forward too.  Either way, evolution, development and growth are happening for all of us at different rates in different ways.  You don't have to be open to the variety of ways there are to get somewhere but life sure is more exciting when you do.

For my part, I am going to inspire.  It is more fun.  What are you going to do?

xo

a

These 3 Things

Heyo! I have been told that I say things that no one else would say.  Well I am here to help to teach you how to be loving and direct.  Stop wasting everyone's time beating around the bush.  Say what you need to say and move the hell on.  The areas I will touch on are 1) other people's opinions of you; 2) other people's concerns about what you are doing in your life; and 3) your opinion of yourself.  I stress that these things take practice and you will have plenty, believe me.  You will get many opportunities to be lovingly direct because people tend to be kind of annoying.  Sorry peeps, it is true.  I love you but you need to learn to let others be who they are and deal with your own shizznit.  

Ok, when someone says something to you about how you are living your life, such as, "I wouldn't do that."  Tell them, "Then don't."  They will quickly get the message that they need to keep on keeping on with their mouths a tightly closed.  When someone comments on how you are changing your diet or exercise habits… ok, I have to get into this a bit before I continue.  People, if you are overweight, eating poorly and feeling shitty leave the ones who are getting it done alone.  If you are taking care of yourself and you think your way is the only way, you are wrong.  Let people do what makes sense to them and let them ask for help before you offer up your sage advice.  Ok, now, to give you some tools to respond when you are being told that you aren't doing your health and well-being correctly, a great response would be, "thank you for giving me information I didn't ask for."  Or, if that is way too blunt for you, "I would prefer it if you didn't comment on my very personal journey around health and wellness unless you are saying supportive things, thank you."    People you must set boundaries, you will be healthier and happier for it.  The friends, acquaintances and others you interact with will also get a great lesson in respect.  We all could do well to pay more attention to what is happening in our own lives instead of meddling in others.

Now onto dealing with people being worried about you.  In all honesty they aren't worried about you.  They are worried about themselves and projecting all over you.  This is the deal, if you are asking for help then I understand if someone is giving it to you, if you aren't then you aren't.  Now, you may let some of your loved ones know to hold you accountable or call you out.  Still permission must be given before you can step in or respect someone stepping in.  I understand that these boundaries get blurry and can disappear altogether when drugs and or children are involved.  Still understand that there needs to be a respecting of boundaries regardless.

I own my actions completely.  If I did it I did it.  If I am in it I am in it.  I am also ok with whatever it is that I am doing, even if it seems like I am miserable, frustrated, upset or what-have-you.  I know that I am supposed to be exactly where I am.  I don't need anyone's concern.  Love, yes.  Support, yes.  Concern (by concern I mean thinking negatively around me or a situation I am in, not 'caring' about me... that is compassion and is always ok) and worry?  No.  Never.  I am unbelievably optimistic and know that I will make the best decisions for me at all times.  At no point am I regretting, fretting or feeling like I am confused.  So if you happen to be feeling any of those things in regards to me, keep it to yourself.  Just a little heads up.  I don't want to know.

Moving on…  The only thing that actually matters is how you feel about you.  No joke.  Everyone else will follow your lead.  Do you like you?  Others will like you.  Are you working hard to be kind to yourself?  Other people will be kind to you.  Do you take your truth seriously, do you look into yourself to find out how you really feel, what you really want?  You will be supported if you take deep consideration of yourself.  When you put energy into yourself it comes back to you tenfold.  When you respect your truth your truth is respected.  When you set boundaries you are saying you give a f*ck about yourself, that you are worthy.  You are worthy.  You are worth everything and all things.  You are born worthy and at some point I hope you recognize your worth.  Start by communicating your needs, wants and desires.  Telling others to step back and focus on themselves and let you alone.  You are your own work and you are doing a fine job… getting better everyday.

self-esteem

xo

a

You Hurt You. Stop.

Hello lovely, How long would you tolerate a relationship where you were told that you weren't living up to the expectations of your partner.  What if you worked hard to make progress to attempt to appease your partner and they still found fault with you and refused to validate the work you had done thus far?  What if you told your friends what your partner said to you.  That they called you fat, lazy, unorganized, stupid and other such things?  What would they advise you to do?  If your friend came to you with this information, how would you advise them?

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Emotional abuse is far more damaging overall than physical and most of us are guilty of perpetrating it.  Usually we have the where-with-all to keep it a secret and only do it in our safest most private places… in our own hearts and minds.  We cut ourselves down so swiftly most of us don't even recognize that it is being done but it is.  We are victims to ourselves.  No matter where we go there we are.  Looking in the mirror, eating dinner or a snack, walking to and fro, doing the work you have chosen, you are there putting yourself down when the chance arises.  We fill ourselves full of doubt, we imagine the worst.  We believe we don't deserve all the great things and when they come along we often have a hard time accepting them.  We may feel ok to have what "makes sense" for the work we have put in, but any more than that and we upper limit ourselves and create reasons for not being able to push past certain points in various areas of our lives.  

Do you need to break up with you or do you have a chance to be rehabilitated?  You would advise your friend to leave the lover who was abusive, emotionally or otherwise… so I am advising you to do something similar.  Treat that side of yourself as you would someone who is unbelievably insecure and lashes out regularly.  That part of you is like a person drowning looking for anything close to push down on in order to get above the surface.  You are going to have to be disciplined and diligent when it comes to either cutting off the nasty comments or reframing them and reprogramming the responses of your own personal bully.  When you are able to do this the world will open up in ways you never realized it would.  When you are supportive to yourself you can breathe, you are lighter.  

How would anyone fare being abused daily?  Ok, now look at your life and the areas you would like to be improved, would support help in this area?  Would some positive reinforcement be a motivating force?  I believe so.  Try it, what do you have to lose except that abusive bully that lives inside you.  Your higher self is waiting.

xo

a

How Are You Doing?

Hello there, Have you ever had a friend who was going through something potentially devastating?  How did you connect with them?  Did you connect with them?  What were the first words that came out of your mouth or were texted from your fingers?  So often we immediately respond with sounds and words of lamentation.  We say we are sorry, we take on what we feel the appropriate response to whatever the situation is that we are being told about.  Other times we communicate what we believe we would feel if we were going through what our friend/loved one was experiencing.  Psychologists say that this show of empathy is supportive.  I agree that empathy is important, indeed.  My concern is for the person going through whatever the fuss is about.  How do they actually feel?  What if they feel differently than the societal norm?  What if they aren't sad, angry, confused?  What if they were ok with the situation or felt a great sense of peace.  If they go against what others would believe appropriate they not only have to deal with their own judgment of their response but the judgment of someone else who has presupposed a certain reaction.  

I tend to be someone who doesn't react to things the way that society would suggest is normal.  I know that everything happens for a reason.  I rarely lament my situation or experiences.  I am never a victim and I feel like I can change my world by changing my view.  When I am faced with news or a situation that would be perceived as challenging I usually move through it quickly.  Even when I am crying or angry or quiet and sullen I am choosing those feelings in order to absorb the importance of the experience as well as allow the emotions to run their course and not block them.  I feel deeply and quickly move on.   Most of my close family and friends understand that I am overall consistently content.  Others just don't get how I am able to see the shining light in every seemingly dark night.  Well, first you have to look for it.

I prefer to be asked how I am feeling about a certain situation before anyone decides to feel any which way about it.  After all, whatever has happened hasn't happened to you, right?  Why take it on before you know how I or whomever, is handling it?  What if someone finally broke up with their boyfriend after years of being done?  What if they never told anyone that they were ecstatic at the prospect of being away from a toxic environment?  You wouldn't know these things without asking how they were feeling about the breakup.  Asking how someone is doing before deciding that the situation is awful is a good rule of thumb.  The question demonstrates that the focus is on the person going through the drama.  The answer to the question is a great guide on how this person needs to be supported.  If they tell you that they have never felt better you are now off the hook for feeling bad… you can rejoice with them.  If they are feeling down and out you can help lift them up…

We project our feelings onto one another all of the time.  Rarely do we give each other the opportunity to own their own responses to life's ups and downs.  Try asking how someone is taking a life event before deciding to place your own personality and ideal response on it.  You just may be surprised and they just might get supported.

xo

a

openness

Better Better Best

Hiya, What if you looked around at people and thought that they were doing their very best.  What would change in your dealings with them?  Would you be as disappointed?  Would you stop expecting and putting pressure on others?  Would you lose all hope for humanity because you would think that if this was the best they could do then we are simply doomed?  I understand all of those feelings and hope that you can see that understanding this idea, that we are doing our best, isn't condoning behavior we don't enjoy, it is being open to what is… it is acceptance which allows for forward movement.  

When you go through life you don't think about what you can fail at, generally.  You tend to think about things that will make you happy that you want to do, places that you want to go, music, friends, etc.  You are not thinking, overall, how you can be mediocre at things.  You aren't thinking about how you can disappoint people and make them wish you were better than you are.  When we get upset with someone for not living up to an expectation or doing something that we don't want, or being a way that we don't like, and then we put that feeling, that disappointment on them, we are also doing our best.   What we need to begin to do is understand that and let go of the anger and sadness associated with being let down by our own hopes and dreams that never existed in reality.  

Everyone is struggling with something.  Everyone has trouble figuring out how to please everyone.  Everyone is afraid and exhausted.  Everyone is trying to be loved, ultimately.  When we recognize that love is the motivation for all living things we can stop our judgement around whether what someone is doing is good enough.  It may not be what you want, but it is what is and that is all.  When you begin to see others as beings working on their sh*t in a multitude of ways, including doing things you would never or that you feel aren't in their or your best interest, they are still working and doing and being.  It takes us all the amount of time it takes us to figure out how to do better than the day before.  It certainly doesn't help to be constantly judged for things you cannot change.  When you adopt the attitude that others are doing their best, you can then be softer and more supportive around their growth.  You can start being compassionate towards your fellow human.  Truth be told, when you really recognize that we are all (including you) doing our best, you begin to let that part of you that has been under the microscope and judged for not knowing what it cannot, relax.  When you relax you are open, when you are open you can receive information that could lead you to doing better.  

Take the pressure off, see what happens when you start being nice, when you begin to see people as where they are supposed to be instead of wishing them to be where you want them to be.  This is their best, right at this moment… be open, if you want to, to them being different in the next moment.  Change is inevitable, growth is mandatory, your best is always better at some point. 

xo

a

boytreebirds

You're Alright

luz-del-corazon_2615453 When everyone realizes they can do no wrong they will be all right.

You are not a mistake.  You have done nothing wrong.  You are meant to do, be, act, love, hate, cry, steal, hurt and enjoy whatever you have.  When you look at your life, what do you see?  When you go back over the history of you, what sticks out?  Where does your heart drift to, what images does your mind fixate on?  What are your judgments around those things past?  How often do you lament things that cannot be undone?  How many times have you wished you could change what was, make it better?  How many times have you been angry with your past self for not knowing better?  

Does that make sense?  If you don't know better how can you do better?  How does replaying something that isn't happening now helping you?  What does your past self get out of being told repeatedly that they are stupid, dumb, f*cked up and wrong?  If you cannot  change it, why are you abusing it into eternity?  Please stop.  You don't need to continue the hurt past the moment of pain. You can let it be what it is and not inflate it any more.  When you hold onto a perceived mistake and dissect it over and over you only imprint that which you obsess over.  You don't learn to not do something by being beaten into submission.  You just learn how to deal with being hurt, a lot.  You learn how to abuse and be abused.  You also miss out on all the good stuff that this instant was full of.  

Take a look again, at those moments, those defining times when you feel you were damaged beyond recognition or you damaged something or someone else.  Look at those times that you regret, that bring up feelings of pain or shame.  Take those moments one by one, hold them close and then look ahead, after them.  Where did those moments lead you?  What was the big amazing yummy fantastic place you landed after it all happened… where did you rise to that you wouldn't have without that mistake?  Where that issue bring you that is now a blessing.  Believe me, there is a place it took you, there is always somewhere those moments are leading us.  Always.  

You didn't do it wrong.  You didn't go the direction you shouldn't have.  You are not a mistake or mistaken.  You were going somewhere and one of the towns you had to visit was that situation you keep reliving and wanting to change.  But you wouldn't be where you are without it… you wouldn't be getting where you want to be without being where you were.  All of it, the stuff you enjoyed and the stuff you didn't… it is all right.  How would your life change if you viewed it as being On Purpose?

When you realize you can do no wrong, you will be alright.

xo

a

Your Change, Their Pain

Hi! Are you working on yourself?  Have you made big changes in the past few months?  What have you noticed about everyone around you once you stopped worrying about everyone around you?  In my work I let most of my clients know that resistance is part of the journey, their own and then from the outside as well.  Family and friends may not be supportive of the changes they are making because those changes effect the family and friends as well.  Change is not something that is generally welcomed with open arms…  This life change stuff is no exception.  You may find, if you are getting your sh*t together, so to speak, that those you love the most don't love the developments  the most.

If you are learning how to communicate your needs when you have never really taken care of your needs in the past, you are going to begin to set boundaries that were never set.  This means people won't have access to you in the same way they once did.  This may not just stop people from supporting you, this may actually piss them off.  Your happiness is not the priority of anyone else, period.  Your happiness, your development, your growth responsibility is directly in your lap to be taken care of.  It has always been there, in your lap, you were just a neglectful caregiver. 

Imagine the one that you love waking up one day and saying that the things that were normal and expected are no longer allowed?  What if you were told that the very things you were happy getting from your partner came to a halt?  It would be hard to recognize the changes as wonderful when your world is impacted, in your mind, negatively.  Even if you know that the changes your loved one is making makes them happier, you may feel left out, left behind, confused and in some ways betrayed…  You didn't ask for the changes after all, you are just made to deal with them.  When communicating change to your loved ones, do so with the understanding that they may feel victimized by the changes you are making for yourself, that it isn't about you, their resistance… it is about them working hard to preserve what they feel is theirs.  

When you go forward on this journey of growth and development it is important to understand that some of the journey you may feel alone.  After all, you surrounding yourself with others who supported where you were… not where you were going.  So you have been around others who believed your lack of self-care was ok, normal or healthy.  So as you figure your life out, they may not fit in it the same way they did.  It is not unusual for relationships to go through growing pains when one person in the relationship changes the dance.  It is also to be expected that some of your relationships may not survive.  As you grow you let go of things that no longer serve you, this sometimes includes your closest connections.  

The farther along you go in your growth you may notice that you have lots of opportunities to practice your new outlook, communication style, belief system, etc… You may not call these confrontations opportunities, but that is what they are.  These interactions with others give you the chance to truly solidify your work, to demonstrate or practice your growth in various ways.  Look at each uncomfortable situation where someone or something challenges your newfound understanding as a chance to truly let the old fall away and stretch out in your new skin.  It is a gift, this resistance, use it as such.  

Remember, you owe the world your work on you, that is about it.  Imagine if each of us spent our time figuring out how to be better towards ourselves?  Imagine if we each took responsibility for our feelings, our joys, our pains?  Imagine a world where we didn't project what was happening for us on others… where we could actually differentiate?  This world is on its way… thanks for joining me on the journey.

xo

a

First You

Hi there, I want to remind everyone to listen closely to what you say to yourself.  How are you talking to yourself in those moments when you are alone, working, walking, driving, hanging out with friends, on the beach, working out, looking in the mirror, taking a shower.  What do you talk to yourself about?  How are you nurturing yourself.  What do you focus on regularly?  What do you say to yourself habitually?  I think the single most devastating thing in the world is the lack of love most people have for themselves.  

We critique how we look in the meanest way.  We call ourselves stupid.  We are impatient with the natural flow of our growth.  We fail to honor what we want and need and give our power away to others.  We seek what we refuse to give to ourselves from others.  We take our health for granted.  We refuse to own our truth in favor of what we feel will please others.  We basically abuse ourselves on various levels.  

A great way to gauge how abusive you are to yourself by how abusive you are to others.  Remember, abuse takes many forms.  There is energetic abuse, verbal, physical, psychic, etc… We tend to take out our feelings about ourselves on everyone else around us.  When we put someone down, when we flip someone off, when we don't help someone who is struggling, when we call someone a name, when we imagine the worse for someone, we are bringing that energy to ourselves and showing the universe how we truly feel about who we are and what we deserve.  

If you knew that what you did directly impacted the direction this world would take how would that change your behavior.  If you knew that your very thoughts and the feelings around them created your reality, what would you do to adjust your attitude, focus your feelings and quiet the critic you take your queues from?  What do you have to lose to start changing how you treat yourself?  What do you have to lose to start to treat others the way you desire to be treated?  

In reality, you are your mommy, your daddy, your sister and your brother, your best friend, your teacher, your lover and your lesson.  You are your work.  You are here to learn the depth of you and in that way you learn the depth of all.  Try it… spend some time loving yourself, truly complimenting, praising, supporting, standing up for who you are.  Expect great things from yourself.  See how others transform around you, see how you transform around others.  When we treat our selves like the guardians we are of our hearts, we stop taking our hearts for granted… hopefully.  

Support is what we need between life and death.  Let's start with being our own greatest source of support and watch our love be reflected in the world.

xo

a

Lovin' Life

Howdy, So much has been happening in my life, so much amazingness that sometimes it is hard to breathe.  Everywhere I look there are opportunities for my dreams to come true.  In some cases so much goodness and yumminess is available that I feel like it is a feast of abundance.  Yet, this is also my life.  My experiences, my universe and my joy.  I realize everyday, more and more, how lucky I am.  I have friends that adore me, family that I love (some of them, definitely not all, just sayin), work that fills me up and allows me to grow and expand daily.  I look at my life and realize that I have made it.  I am where I want to be. 

Now, don't get me wrong, there are days I am not pleased, moments I am not ecstatic and people who I end up ejecting from my world.  It is just that I don't spend time imagining these days, moments or people into existence.  I put my focus and energy on the things I love, that I am grateful for and let everything else go…  What you focus on gets bigger, so I focus on love, laughter, joy, happiness, cool people, beautiful animals and myself.  I focus, mainly, on myself.  This is what most people don't understand.  The work that is most important to complete or at least to engage in, is the work of learning and loving ourselves.

When you are able to spend time focused on what you love and loving who you are, even when that part of you isn't going to stick around, you have an easier time overall.  When you allow and accept yourself to exist without harsh criticism and judgments life becomes less of a struggle.  When you see yourself as doing your best, you do your best.  When you approve of yourself it is easier to approve of others.  When you let go of there being a right or wrong  way for you to be and embrace doing what makes sense for your soul, for your higher purpose, you begin to find compassion for others in a way that others can feel.  You begin to radiate energy that brings love to you, safety to others and peace all around.

Are you loving your life right now?  It isn't going to change without movement.  You will need to figure out if you want the change to be brought about by love or pain.  Either you will make things happen because something is hurting you or something is loving you.  Love is a way more fun motivator than pain…though we sometimes choose to ignore this fact and wait until shit hits the fan before we do anything differently.  You have all you need to make your world whatever you would like it to be…  your call, your choice, your life.  What's it going to be?

xo

a

The Walking Wounded

Hi there, We all have stuff that we are working through.  We are all a little bit wounded somewhere somehow.  Way too often we take out our issues on one another instead of sorting through them out thoroughly and using our past experiences to serve and not sabotage.  Some of us are so injured by our history that we feel justified in behaving like we were raised by wolves, even when we are confronted with the inappropriateness of our actions.  You may know someone who does this or this person may be you.  Either way, the last thing either one of you needs to do is judge the situation and condemn the person or yourself for behavior that isn't that uncommon.  

So often the bigger issue is that once the behavior turns to regression, shame ensues.  When someone behaves in a way that is in response to feeling wounded from things past, they often feel ashamed, embarrassed, or 'in trouble' and will do just about anything to get away from that feeling.  I mean, who the hell likes feeling that way?  The only reason someone defends is because they feel attacked, small, regressed.  There is judgement somewhere going on for them and it comes out as protection.  They are protecting the child that was running the show when the behavior was being played out to begin with.  Because they themselves aren't parenting their inner child they defend it… Kind of like moms with unruly children end up defending the child's behavior at all costs because it is a reflection of what they have or have not done.  Well, we behave the same way when the child that we are forever raising and loving behaves poorly.  

When we defend our unruly behavior we are effectively condoning the behavior of our wounded selves; telling that little that it is ok to lash out and do what had more than likely been done to them.  So the cycle continues.  We run around letting our little wounded selves hurt other wounded selves.  It is an interesting and sometimes unsettling scenario that we experience.  A good way to know that you are in this situation, either as the one wounded or the one being blamed for the wounding is for there to be offense, anger, frustration, or resentment present.  At this point it is key to remember that no one is doing anything to you to make you feel one way or another.  The other key is to be curious about your feelings or the other person's.  Then, take responsibility where it is necessary.  If you are the one feeling these feelings then you are responsible.  If you are the one who is being told that you are the cause of, do not take the credit.  It is a form of enabling… and we do it so much it has become normal behavior.  

Allowing someone to own their feelings is one of the most supportive things you can do as a wounded person and a healer (which we all are on some level or another).  When you support someone in being responsible for their behavior you are loving them, not judging them by saying that what they are doing is bad…  it is where they are, help them to get somewhere else.  Judgment doesn't hold space for growth… on the contrary, it effectively shuts it down.  So hold space, love, let go of the judgment, see your own wounded self in the other and take care.  

Be love, see love, breathe love.  It is all going to be alright.

xo

a

What's Good???

Good Morning!!! Tuesday Gratitude Practice is here!!!  How will you take what you are grateful for through the rest of your day?  This isn't just about writing it down and sending it back…  put it out there!  Let the world feel your appreciation!  Let's make a difference.  

This only  takes a few moments to do but gives to you for much, much longer.  So put down whatever you are doing and take a couple of minutes for yourself.  Every Tuesday morning I am going to ask you to write down 5 things that you are grateful for and email them to me (keep for yourself as well).  What are you feeling gratitude around?  Here are mine for this week:

Tabitha, my favorite baby girl kitty.

Drugs that put my Tabbers out of misery quickly.

Breaker.

Carnwath.

Keach.  

There are no right or wrong answers.  It is about what you are grateful for.   It is proven that doing this once a week for three months (actually just 9 weeks) makes you happier, healthier, exercise more and less sensitive to perceived slights.  You will sweat the small stuff less and focus on what really matters.

So… what are you waiting for???

Food for thought:

Losing someone you love is so f*cking annoying.  I remember when my nephew died I just couldn't believe it.  Then it was that I couldn't believe nothing could be done to reverse the situation.  Then it was just what the f*ck??!!  Losing Tabitha has been this frustrating thing for me.  I just had no desire for her to be gone.  I am simply not in the mood to lose my baby kitty.  Life isn't about waiting for your mood to be just so, however, and it isn't always what you would want to happen that happens.  Nope, sometimes you are literally just observing shit.

I am in a place where I don't yet know why she passed.  I don't know what the universe wants me to know about her leaving.  I know that it was her time, it was destined on some level for her to be gone now, but what am I to get out of it… well I think I may need to give it a few more days to settle and then maybe the reasons will begin to flood in.  

There is one thing, I believe, this has done for me.  I feel fearless on some levels, once again.  When Miles passed I remember feeling like the worst thing that could happen had happened, so what did I have to worry about ever again.  As time has passed the feeling of Miles' passing isn't as intense or raw and my feelings of fearlessness aren't as dramatic.  With Tabbers leaving I am feeling like all bullshit in my life (Imean all people who are full of it) need to get to steppin'.  Seriously.  I believe, at this very moment, Tabbers being gone makes me want, even more fervently, quality in my world.  She was the top of the top of animals.  Beautiful, smart, funny, loving, crazy as hell, sneaky, super quick, Whodini kitty (as one of my best friend's pointed out) and mine.  Her being gone makes me realize, even deeper than I live it, how important having quality in my world is.

You and I deserve the best, period.

xo

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