responsibility

Check Your Ego

egoabstract

Hi,

No one is making decisions because of you no matter how much you think they are or want them to. Everyone is moving through the world trying to do things that make them happy, that bring them love, that keep them from feeling sad… mostly.  Yes, many people are eating their emotions, drinking their sorrows, stuffing down their truths but they do so because of the search for joy, love and happiness.  Regardless of how they do it, they are working on giving themselves comfort, period.  So when you are feeling like someone is doing something to you there are a few things that need to shift; the first being your perspective, the second being the drama that you like to create and third, your being bossed around by your ego.  You may be a really lovely human being but you aren't the reason someone is doing anything, even if they say that you are.  You might inspire them, encourage or influence, but you aren't the reason. The reason always originates with the person doing whatever they are doing for themselves, because they benefit in some way, or think that they will.

Ok, let that sink in.  You aren't the reason for other's choices or decisions.  When your ego becomes inflated you begin thinking that you are why someone is happy, unhappy, sad, miserable, etc.  You begin to believe that you somehow cause others to live a life that they wouldn't otherwise.  You may also believe that the choices they make that don't serve you are somehow against you.  Basically, when your ego is inflated everything has to be centered around something you aren't doing, are doing or is being done to or for you.  None of the above is the case, though we use language all the time that reinforce the inflation of ego.  We accuse others of making us feel this or that, we accuse others of making us do one thing or another, and we tell people that they need to be different so we can be different.  We are a society that simply does not take responsibility for what we are responsible for.  Our feelings, our actions and behaviors, our choices are our own, not because of anyone else, really.  Once you are able to own this you can make different ones if you feel that you need to.

Take a moment to think about the choices you made in your life so far.  Now think about the reasons you have made them; eating various things, bringing certain people into your world, letting others go from it; being honest, dishonest or authentic; holding back or pushing forward.  How much of your world was decided by someone else?  If you can see that you are the conductor of your life you can recognize that it is the same for all of us.  When you release the idea that someone is doing something to you and instead understand that they are doing something for themselves you begin to bring your ego down to a size that is manageable and healthy.  We are all doing the best we can at any given moment.  The potential to begin to fully love your life is there when you begin to fully take responsibility for it, and let others do the same.

xo

a

I Want It

gettingwhatwant Hi there,

I get what I want.  This is my mantra.  It flows, feels great when I say it and is true.  I say at any point where I feel a sensation of loss.  It works for me because I know what it is that I want.  Wanting is a loaded word and everyone has a feeling about wants when you ask them about it.  Wanting brings up a lot of stuff for most everyone.  You can feel vulnerable and exposed when communicating your wants.  You can feel unworthy and unloved when you are faced with a decision to want something and go after it or let it go.  Wanting can exemplify your feelings about yourself.

So many people tell me that they don't know what they want.  To that I say, poppycock!  You know when you aren't happy, right?  Well, this is an example of you wanting something and not getting it.  Go through your world, sift through your thoughts, check on your memories and see where you were disappointed.  Wherever that feeling of "should have" comes from is an example of you having a want, a desire that wasn't satisfied.  There is no woman or man on the earth without wants.  You spend everyday each day wanting a sh*tload of things.  Pay attention.

Most people try not to want (out loud) because they fear disappointment (which they experience anyway) and don't believe that they can get what they want.  So they pretend to not want anything.  They also don't believe they have the "right" to want what it is they want; especially if their want is up to another person to fulfill.  There are a few things that are flawed about this whole situation… wanting doesn't mean getting.  Wanting is an expression of your desire.  Wanting means you have done the work to find out who you are, what you like and what you would like to have in your life.  Wanting doesn't mean people are going to satisfy your desires… on the contrary.  When you begin to find out what it is you want you will understand that the onus is on you.  You are the only one that will be able to take care of your wants and needs, truthfully.  

When you get to a point where you can want without feeling guilty and instead feeling deserving, you will be in a place of safety that comes from within.  You will not expect from others in the same way and without permission, you will not limit yourself in the same way you have in the past and you will cease being disappointed on the level you end up at this point in your life.  

Want something?  Own that feeling, that desire.  Don't know what you want??  Stop lying to yourself.  Quit telling yourself those stories.  You want a lot, now admit it and get on with getting it.

xo

a

 

Your Change, Their Pain

Hi! Are you working on yourself?  Have you made big changes in the past few months?  What have you noticed about everyone around you once you stopped worrying about everyone around you?  In my work I let most of my clients know that resistance is part of the journey, their own and then from the outside as well.  Family and friends may not be supportive of the changes they are making because those changes effect the family and friends as well.  Change is not something that is generally welcomed with open arms…  This life change stuff is no exception.  You may find, if you are getting your sh*t together, so to speak, that those you love the most don't love the developments  the most.

If you are learning how to communicate your needs when you have never really taken care of your needs in the past, you are going to begin to set boundaries that were never set.  This means people won't have access to you in the same way they once did.  This may not just stop people from supporting you, this may actually piss them off.  Your happiness is not the priority of anyone else, period.  Your happiness, your development, your growth responsibility is directly in your lap to be taken care of.  It has always been there, in your lap, you were just a neglectful caregiver. 

Imagine the one that you love waking up one day and saying that the things that were normal and expected are no longer allowed?  What if you were told that the very things you were happy getting from your partner came to a halt?  It would be hard to recognize the changes as wonderful when your world is impacted, in your mind, negatively.  Even if you know that the changes your loved one is making makes them happier, you may feel left out, left behind, confused and in some ways betrayed…  You didn't ask for the changes after all, you are just made to deal with them.  When communicating change to your loved ones, do so with the understanding that they may feel victimized by the changes you are making for yourself, that it isn't about you, their resistance… it is about them working hard to preserve what they feel is theirs.  

When you go forward on this journey of growth and development it is important to understand that some of the journey you may feel alone.  After all, you surrounding yourself with others who supported where you were… not where you were going.  So you have been around others who believed your lack of self-care was ok, normal or healthy.  So as you figure your life out, they may not fit in it the same way they did.  It is not unusual for relationships to go through growing pains when one person in the relationship changes the dance.  It is also to be expected that some of your relationships may not survive.  As you grow you let go of things that no longer serve you, this sometimes includes your closest connections.  

The farther along you go in your growth you may notice that you have lots of opportunities to practice your new outlook, communication style, belief system, etc… You may not call these confrontations opportunities, but that is what they are.  These interactions with others give you the chance to truly solidify your work, to demonstrate or practice your growth in various ways.  Look at each uncomfortable situation where someone or something challenges your newfound understanding as a chance to truly let the old fall away and stretch out in your new skin.  It is a gift, this resistance, use it as such.  

Remember, you owe the world your work on you, that is about it.  Imagine if each of us spent our time figuring out how to be better towards ourselves?  Imagine if we each took responsibility for our feelings, our joys, our pains?  Imagine a world where we didn't project what was happening for us on others… where we could actually differentiate?  This world is on its way… thanks for joining me on the journey.

xo

a