Hi! I love relationships. I know that they are the best way to learn about ourselves. I also know that they can be uber challenging which is why there is so much beauty in them (and so much to write about). The aspect of relationships that consistently come up for me in my life and in my client's lives is that of taking care of one another. There are so many things about that phrase that people love and hate. There is a level of taking care of someone that is comforting and healthy and then there is the area where it becomes unhealthy, controlling and self-serving. Most couples tend to go towards unhealthy, controlling and self-serving with the idea that they are being comforting and healthy. It is a hard truth but one that ultimately will lead to a better understanding of why we do what we do and how we can change it.
We are taught to find the one that completes us; our better half. We are led to believe that life is better with a partner, someone to call our own. We are taught that the person we marry/partner with needs to fulfill various requirements and be dutiful and see to our needs. We are taught that we should look outside of ourselves for what we truly need to nurture within us. Our love for another is just a reflection of our love for ourselves. How you are loving your partner is a direct reflection of the love you are giving yourself. When you aren't holding yourself responsible to take care of your needs and desires you will find disappointment in others attempts. When you are hoping your partner does this or that, things you aren't doing for you, they will also fail miserably to fulfill what truly is your task to see to. For example, when you want your partner to communicate with you in a way that is understanding and loving and supportive, what you are finding is that you aren't doing that for you and that information is clearly shown to you by your partner's treatment. Seriously, think about it honestly. When you begin to set boundaries, take care of you and let your partner know what does or does not work, instead of expecting things to just magically happen, you will see a noticeable shift in how you feel and how you are treated. The example you set is the example the people in your life follow. You have to demonstrate how you want to be taken care of by taking care of yourself in that way.
Additionally, there is a pressure that is lifted off of your loved ones when you recognize that they are not the source for your misery and enjoyment. When you stop blaming them for your own stuff they can breathe. When they see that you are not relying on them to be your everything they can be great for you how they are able, and will actually really want to be as well. There is a lot of resentment in relationships where partners are trying to bandage up the other's wounds and in turn neglect their own. Resentment becomes the underlying feeling, along with anger and pain. Let go of the tired and unhealthy notion that you need completion. Embrace the idea that you are all you need to be happy. Maybe then you will decide to be in relationship that honors that and supports your continued work towards who you want to be. Just because you marry someone does not mean you no longer honor and respect the never ending bond your soul made by coming into your body and creating the wonderful and divine YOU that you are.
Be your best friend, lover and partner first. Why would you ever think someone else should love you when you don't or won't?