relationships

Loving You

Hi! I love relationships. I know that they are the best way to learn about ourselves. I also know that they can be uber challenging which is why there is so much beauty in them (and so much to write about). The aspect of relationships that consistently come up for me in my life and in my client's lives is that of taking care of one another. There are so many things about that phrase that people love and hate. There is a level of taking care of someone that is comforting and healthy and then there is the area where it becomes unhealthy, controlling and self-serving. Most couples tend to go towards unhealthy, controlling and self-serving with the idea that they are being comforting and healthy. It is a hard truth but one that ultimately will lead to a better understanding of why we do what we do and how we can change it.

We are taught to find the one that completes us; our better half. We are led to believe that life is better with a partner, someone to call our own. We are taught that the person we marry/partner with needs to fulfill various requirements and be dutiful and see to our needs. We are taught that we should look outside of ourselves for what we truly need to nurture within us. Our love for another is just a reflection of our love for ourselves. How you are loving your partner is a direct reflection of the love you are giving yourself. When you aren't holding yourself responsible to take care of your needs and desires you will find disappointment in others attempts. When you are hoping your partner does this or that, things you aren't doing for you, they will also fail miserably to fulfill what truly is your task to see to. For example, when you want your partner to communicate with you in a way that is understanding and loving and supportive, what you are finding is that you aren't doing that for you and that information is clearly shown to you by your partner's treatment. Seriously, think about it honestly. When you begin to set boundaries, take care of you and let your partner know what does or does not work, instead of expecting things to just magically happen, you will see a noticeable shift in how you feel and how you are treated. The example you set is the example the people in your life follow. You have to demonstrate how you want to be taken care of by taking care of yourself in that way.

Additionally, there is a pressure that is lifted off of your loved ones when you recognize that they are not the source for your misery and enjoyment. When you stop blaming them for your own stuff they can breathe. When they see that you are not relying on them to be your everything they can be great for you how they are able, and will actually really want to be as well. There is a lot of resentment in relationships where partners are trying to bandage up the other's wounds and in turn neglect their own. Resentment becomes the underlying feeling, along with anger and pain. Let go of the tired and unhealthy notion that you need completion. Embrace the idea that you are all you need to be happy. Maybe then you will decide to be in relationship that honors that and supports your continued work towards who you want to be. Just because you marry someone does not mean you no longer honor and respect the never ending bond your soul made by coming into your body and creating the wonderful and divine YOU that you are.

Be your best friend, lover and partner first. Why would you ever think someone else should love you when you don't or won't?

valentine-heart-of-hearts
valentine-heart-of-hearts

xo a

What's Good???

Good Morning!!! Tuesday Gratitude Practice is here!!! How will you take what you are grateful for through the rest of your day? This isn't just about writing it down and sending it back… put it out there! Let the world feel your appreciation! Let's make a difference.

This only takes a few moments to do but gives to you for much, much longer. So put down whatever you are doing and take a couple of minutes for yourself. Every Tuesday morning I am going to ask you to write down 5 things that you are grateful for and email them to me (keep for yourself as well). What are you feeling gratitude around? Here are mine for this week:

Amy Morgan and her magic. Breaker's Kids. A Day of Play. My Amazing Life. Rainy Days.

There are no right or wrong answers. It is about what you are grateful for. It is proven that doing this once a week makes you happier, healthier, exercise more and less sensitive to perceived slights. You will sweat the small stuff less and focus on what really matters.

So… what are you waiting for???

Food for thought:

Stop asking your partner to feel differently. We are individuals, even if we are married. If your partner is unhappy, feels angry, sad, happy etc. that is their RIGHT. You asking them to not feel the way that they do is selfish, not loving and actually inappropriate. You cannot blame them for your response to their feelings. Let me repeat, you CAN NOT blame them for how you respond to how they feel (and be healthy). Stop being a baby. Stop looking for someone else to figure out what it is your job to figure out. You are going to have to figure this out sooner or later… the world doesn't revolve around you. You decide how you feel based on your life and your feelings support your philosophies on the world. Change what you believe and your change how you respond. Yes, it is as easy as that.

Your feelings are YOURS and your partner's feelings are theirs. That is pretty simple to get, no? Ok then get it! What they feel never did, nor does it now, have ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. If they say it does, they are mistaken and tell them so. If they say it doesn't, then YAY, they just may be a keeper. If you are confused about what is yours and what is their's then read slowly: If you are thinking it, saying it, feeling it and seeing it then IT IS YOURS. Is that clear? Yes, this is true. Please ask any and all questions you have about this as I know it is tricky for you folks.

Just because you are married or partnered in some way does not, I repeat DOES NOT mean that your partner will be able to comfort, understand, know, hear, listen, and support you in the way you need it when you need it. Being partnered does not make someone perfect, healthy, loving, understanding, happy, brilliant, a miracle worker, magic, fantastic, and immune to being human. Stop expecting what you won't give to yourself from someone else. This is the most important point… Are you taking care of yourself??? How in the hell is someone else going to do it if you aren't? How is someone going to respect boundaries when you don't set any? How is someone supposed to give you the love you have always wanted when you are JUST figuring it out??? Please, please, please think before you speak, reflect before you blame (and then just DON'T blame, it is no one's fault but your own as to why you are where you are) and forgive yourself for not being where you weren't.

You will be fine.

forestgirl
forestgirl

xo a

Toxic

Hello there! There are people in your world that may not need to stay. If that resonated then I am talking to you. It doesn't matter if they are your sister, mother, brother or friend, if they are toxic then they aren't helping you. I know you may feel like I am being harsh or that you couldn't possibly cut off ties with someone you are related to or are friends with, but it isn't about what you think you should do, it is about what is best for you; what is best for your soul. In order to hear what I am saying you have to let go of your sense of duty and obligation and your fear and judgment around being left by someone you want to stay in your life. You will have to be brutally honest with yourself and you might have to have a "come to Jesus" moment where you give yourself a mini intervention. You may be in an abusive relationship in some way and refused to see it as such simply because you love the person, are related to them or have been acquainted for some period of time.

Know that saying how you feel about a, b or c doesn't actually label someone as bad or wrong… you are simply stating your feelings. We often refuse to say how we truly feel about a person or situation because we think that saying you don't like a person's particular behavior is saying you think ill of the person. Not the case. Those two things are separate. For example: For me, my mother is toxic. This doesn't actually mean that I am saying my mother is evil, horrible or a bad person, just that I feel happier and healthier when I have little to no interaction with her. I am stating the truth about how I feel and what my experience has been in regards to her. She says very unkind things on a regular basis and seems to get a kick out of using very aggressive language to illustrate her disdain for me, so I choose to take my leave. When something is toxic it is poisonous or harmful. People can be toxic regardless of their connection to you, you being close doesn't equal yummy treatment. People can be mean and hurtful in your opinion and you don't actually have to judge them or take it personally. You can let them be who they are without having to be with them. We forget that we don't have to force change on people, we don't have to always make someone understand us or do what we want. It isn't reasonable to always try to have others bend to your will. Sometimes relationships aren't meant to be and that is and always will be ok. We make things really complicated when we judge them; when we judge them we have a hard time letting them be what they are.

What they are is simple too. People aren't generally mean to you because they just love being mean or they desire toxicity. If someone isn't treating you well, in your opinion, they most likely are doing the same thing to themselves. If you can stop and remember that we see the world the way that we are… so if someone is unhappy, mean, cruel, abusive they most likely are in pretty bad shape spiritually and emotionally. They don't need judgment, no one does. They don't need cruelty in return and they most certainly don't need enabling. You aren't here to be abused or mistreated. Being loving isn't staying with or around someone who brings you down. Regardless of understanding why someone is being awful to you, you don't actually need to deal with it. or stay in the abusive situation or relationship. The understanding is so you can remember to be compassionate, from a distance if necessary.

Now, what if the person that is toxic is you? This is the case for at least one person that will read this. If you are your own worst connection you aren't going to be able to take your leave as you could with something that isn't you. You will have to stay and deal with your demons. We can be the biggest abusers to ourselves and not even recognize it. If you put yourself down, discourage, say mean things, or are impatient with allowing yourself to be where you are, you most likely are toxic to you… The first step in getting out of this cycle with yourself is recognizing that this is true and that you would prefer to do something different; that you would prefer to be supportive of you. When you can be your own biggest fan, the wind beneath your own wings the possibilities are endless (they are endless anyway).

Find what makes you sick, nauseated, anxious, unhappy and remove it from your world. Your thoughts and the feelings that come up around them make up the world you live in. Create a space in your life that is conducive to you living your best life, being your best self, and feeling your best. This space should be guarded like the priceless treasure it is. Let no one, not even that meanie that lives within, disrupt it. You are worth being honored and cherished every day of your life by any and everyone that wants to be a part of it. See how your life changes when you begin to accept only the best from yourself and others.

Tree Silhouette Against Starry Night Sky

xo

a

You Are Great!

Hello hello, compliment

Do you think someone is amazing?  Do you like the dress they are wearing.  How about their haircut?  Did someone just walk past you and smell really delicious?  Are you honored to be able to connect with a specific someone?  Have you told anyone or any of them any of this?  How often do you sing the praises of someone you feel is amazing, to them?  When was the last time you went up to the person you admired, loved, were struck by and told them, to their face, that you thought they were great, awesome, smelled good, etc?  This is something that we need to do, daily, at least.  We all are in need of a boost of love.  

I rarely get hit on.  Maybe I don't recognize it all of the time, but to me it seems to be a very infrequent occurrence.  I have been told that it was because people think that I wouldn't give them the time of day.  Well, to that I say, how would you know if you don't even try?  Think about it, if everyone thinks I am out of their league the one person that is bold enough to go for it has a pretty darn great chance.  When you don't put the love out there the love never has a chance to bounce back and gain momentum as it returns to you.  This is true for anything that you feel warm and fuzzy about.  When you are appreciating someone, when you are feeling love for them, share it.  The sharing supports love being abundant in the world and that reinforces the fact that the person being told these loving things is loved.    

So tell that friend what you feel.  Let your co-worker that you can count on know that they are amazing.  Tell the guy with the cool hair that you think his hair is amazing.  When you share your feelings of love for another (platonic or otherwise) you increase that love exponentially.  Besides, even if the person has heard something loving about themselves, they never tire of being told that they are wonderful, brilliant, beautiful, a stunner, a great dresser, etc.  Never think because someone is confident that you can get away with not telling them that you think they are the bomb diggity.  They need it the most sometimes because everyone assumes that everyone else has told them these lovely things and maybe they don't want to hear the same loving thoughts again.  Believe me, they do.  The ones who support others needs the support too, almost more than anyone else.  

Send out verbal and energetic love to those you encounter today.  Trust that we all need love and that you have plenty to give and receive.  Be bold and give it out without expectation.  Then, wait for it…

xo

a

 

Ending and Beginning

Howdy, Relationships are so rich with so much information it is hard to know where to start when I begin writing about any aspect of them.  I mean, relationships are life after all and there is just so much life all around.  Then I remember that I say one phrase almost every day to someone, "no good relationship comes to an end."  In all honesty, it is what I want everyone to think about when they are either breaking up or in a relationship that is heading that direction.  Breaking up is painful on so many levels, but it doesn't have to be… I promise you.  Yes, you will lose what is familiar and what is comfortable.  Yes you will have to adjust to a new way of life without that relationship… but leaving something that wasn't good… well, that is awesome!  

Two people do not sit around and think how f*cking amazing their relationship is and then decide to break-up.  It isn't like anyone has said, "oh my goodness, I am just so happy and this is just so great I have to get away from it.  I cannot be in this great relationship any longer."  Umm, yeah, no.  If you are wanting out there is good reason.  At the same time, when you are wanting out and finally say so, that is a big deal.  Ending what you initially wanted to last forever (most people don't get in a relationship and look forward to the ending before anything is not working) says you have given it some thought, lots of thought, and you have decided that it isn't what you want.

I feel that people's desires need to be respected.  I have been dumped plenty of times, thank goodness.  I, at no point, imagine that someone should hang onto me because of anything other than their desire to.  When that wanes I would prefer for them to let me go.  I don't desire anyone "sticking it out" with me for the sake of my awesomeness… seriously.  I want mutual joy, love, and respect.  The issue is, for most of us, we get used to our relationships being sh*tty.  We dream of something that isn't, the future, and we ignore the messed up present.  We put all of our stock in things working out when the moment you are in it isn't.  Relationships aren't always ecstasy bringing, but you need to be happy and not hoping for change in order to truly sustain one.  

Do you want your relationship to end in a blaze of hell fire?  Well, be someone you aren't, never speak your mind, never ask the hard questions of your partner, stop having sex, stop taking care of yourself (or never start), imagine you are too good to be left, think that your partner needs you too much to let you go, put your hopes and dreams away somewhere and pretend like they don't exist.  

Do you want your relationship to survive?  Well, don't most of us… the best thing to do is to be honest with yourself and then with your partner.  Tell them the truth of who you are and what you can an cannot hold.  Be authentic and stay present.  This is all a journey and it takes twists and turns… some are fun and some are not.  They all can be learning experiences and survivable.

For anyone going through a breakup I send love and peace and strength.  This is not bad, it is necessary… you will love again.

xo

a

dripheart

The Way You Are

Hey there, I love my life.  Absolutely love it.  I have freedom and space and the luxury of not having anyone try to manage me.  It is a blessing.  The truth is that everyone can have that, whether or not they are in a relationship.  Too often we let our ideas of what relationship is or what the other person wants modify our behavior… until one day we feel resentful and frustrated about giving up things we were 1) never asked to give up and 2) didn't realize actually fulfilled and brought joy to us.  

Partnerships are interesting and necessary in a multitude of ways for a multitude of things.  The first is simple, we need help.  I have moved and lived in over 27 places.  95% of the time I moved myself… like couches and dressers and everything.  I would actually throw a couch on my back and carry it to the truck once I maneuvered it out of my house.  Being in a relationship can be a benefit when it comes to that type of sh*t among other things. :)  We also need to have ourselves reflected back for growth purposes.  Relationships are the only tool that help you grow.  You are perfect alone, with no one to show you who you are, how you are and where you are in comparison.  In relationship you find the areas that are triggered which give you a clear path of what needs your attention and work.  Partnerships are also fun, or can be.  Joy is an important part of a fulfilled life. 

What happens often is partnership becomes ownership.  We begin to tell the person when to go to bed.  What to wear.  How to feel: "Oh honey, don't feel that way about it.", when to do this or that… we also then imagine how our partners would feel about a, b or c situation so we avoid what we may want or otherwise be super excited about.  The above is a bit dangerous without background communication, like having a conversation about bed times and what is important for each individually.  The same holds true for clothes and living in different places… you must have the conversations about all of it before you assume you know.

What is more dangerous for our own mental and emotional health and well-being is all of the things we do because we think we should for the person or the relationship.  When your partner doesn't like the genre of TV show… you take their dislike as a demand and you stop watching.  When your partner says not to talk to them about something that is spiritual so you just abandon that side of yourself.  When you begin to think about what would be ok for your partner and, without asking, you change just in case.  This is why I am super psyched to be single, in actuality.  I have no desire to play this game again… and at the same time, I know it is a beautiful dance that must be practiced.  

"Don't go changin' to try and please me…" is more than just a song.  It is the roadmap to a happy relationship.  You have to do you, find out what you love, what you enjoy.  Own it and be its support.  Make sure you let the one you love know who the hell you are.  Make sure you allow someone to love you just the way you are, all of you.  Stop bending to please, stretching to connect, dying to be something you aren't.  Yes, relationships have compromise… but you must have a side, something of your own, to compromise… not just a blank slate saying write me into existence.  You exist, you are a spark a light and you need to shine, you need to be supported not dimmed.  Let relationship enhance instead of decrease your vitality.  Let love magnify you… make you bigger than you are alone.

Love, the ultimate creator wants you to be who you are, without reservation, without judgment or shame right now.  Not next year, not in a while.  Get on that, ok.

xo

a

20130313-092959.jpg

What's Good???

Good Morning!!! Tuesday Gratitude Practice is here!!!  How will you take what you are grateful for through the rest of your day?  This isn't just about writing it down and sending it back…  put it out there!  Let the world feel your appreciation!  Let's make a difference.  

This only  takes a few moments to do but gives to you for much, much longer.  So put down whatever you are doing and take a couple of minutes for yourself.  Every Tuesday morning I am going to ask you to write down 5 things that you are grateful for and email them to me (keep for yourself as well).  What are you feeling gratitude around?  Here are mine for this week:

Tabitha, my favorite baby girl kitty.

Drugs that put my Tabbers out of misery quickly.

Breaker.

Carnwath.

Keach.  

There are no right or wrong answers.  It is about what you are grateful for.   It is proven that doing this once a week for three months (actually just 9 weeks) makes you happier, healthier, exercise more and less sensitive to perceived slights.  You will sweat the small stuff less and focus on what really matters.

So… what are you waiting for???

Food for thought:

Losing someone you love is so f*cking annoying.  I remember when my nephew died I just couldn't believe it.  Then it was that I couldn't believe nothing could be done to reverse the situation.  Then it was just what the f*ck??!!  Losing Tabitha has been this frustrating thing for me.  I just had no desire for her to be gone.  I am simply not in the mood to lose my baby kitty.  Life isn't about waiting for your mood to be just so, however, and it isn't always what you would want to happen that happens.  Nope, sometimes you are literally just observing shit.

I am in a place where I don't yet know why she passed.  I don't know what the universe wants me to know about her leaving.  I know that it was her time, it was destined on some level for her to be gone now, but what am I to get out of it… well I think I may need to give it a few more days to settle and then maybe the reasons will begin to flood in.  

There is one thing, I believe, this has done for me.  I feel fearless on some levels, once again.  When Miles passed I remember feeling like the worst thing that could happen had happened, so what did I have to worry about ever again.  As time has passed the feeling of Miles' passing isn't as intense or raw and my feelings of fearlessness aren't as dramatic.  With Tabbers leaving I am feeling like all bullshit in my life (Imean all people who are full of it) need to get to steppin'.  Seriously.  I believe, at this very moment, Tabbers being gone makes me want, even more fervently, quality in my world.  She was the top of the top of animals.  Beautiful, smart, funny, loving, crazy as hell, sneaky, super quick, Whodini kitty (as one of my best friend's pointed out) and mine.  Her being gone makes me realize, even deeper than I live it, how important having quality in my world is.

You and I deserve the best, period.

xo

a