fear

Only The Lonely

Hi there :) Soon my website will be going live and will have sections for my video blogs (which you can find on YouTube if you search for my Glossylove Channel or Aina Williams), Body Camps, Life Coaching, Personal Training, Nutrition and more!  Exciting!!!  Stay tuned.

I am someone who is very happy being alone, I truly enjoy being with me…  I grew up with two people who were somewhat depressed and enjoyed being solo.  At a young age I figured out how to hang with me.  I created worlds and scenarios.  I walked through my home with candles pretending to be a princess that was looking for her prince.  I imagined my future, I created my life many times over.  I had fun.  I always truly enjoyed the company of others and was made to deal on my own even more when we moved to a small town in North Carolina.  I was bullied and even more isolated than I could have ever imagined.  It was rough and I was so lonely… I wouldn't trade that time for anything.

So many of us have a really hard time being alone.  In some ways it is horrifying for people.  Alone, all alone with their true feelings, thoughts, inclinations.  Nothing to take them away from themselves.  Some turn to constantly having others around, never giving themselves alone time.  Others find another way to numb out and escape being alone with themselves; drugs, food, sex, TV, internet… anything that is a distraction, that quiets the voices in their heads.  Some people refuse to be alone, sacrificing their true happiness simply so they aren't single.  Finding relationship a sort of validation; having it equal them being worthy, lovable.  There is no judgment here… just truth and some questions.  How long can you keep running from yourself?  What are you afraid or ashamed of?

Because I have been trained on being my own best friend I need my space like you need air.  When I feel that anyone, friend, family member or lover, wants more time from me than I have had for myself things usually end.  What I value in alone time is the space to regroup, assess where I am and how I feel.  When I am focused on someone else I am not actually doing my own personal work.  I am helping someone else do theirs; which is my work on one level.  If I don't have balance with focusing on others and then focusing on me, the two will blend together.  Enmeshing is something that can be really damaging to overall happiness.  When you cannot tell where you begin or end emotions get truly all-encompassing.  I feel strongly that our being in these separate bodies is so that we can feel our separateness and work on the whole through that experience.  Truly we are one and that doesn't have to be demonstrated by not owning our very separate feelings.  We don't have to lose ourselves in this reality in order to stay connected to one another… We also are truly able to become closer when we become whole on our own.  When we stop looking to something or someone else to make us feel valid and full and worthy.

Think about your relationships.  Are they serving your best interest?  Do they bring out your highest self?  If you cannot answer yes to these questions for every relationship, the issue is the relationship you have with yourself.  Start there.  Fall in love at home, with you… then see how easy it is for love to come into your life and never ever leave.

personal-freedom xo

a

What's Good???

Good Morning!!! Tuesday Gratitude Practice is here!!!  How will you take what you are grateful for through the rest of your day?  This isn't just about writing it down and sending it back…  put it out there!  Let the world feel your appreciation!  Let's make a difference. 

This only  takes a few moments to do but gives to you for much, much longer.  So put down whatever you are doing and take a couple of minutes for yourself.  Every Tuesday morning I am going to ask you to write down 5 things that you are grateful for and email them to me (keep for yourself as well).  What are you feeling gratitude around?  Here are mine for this week:

My bedroom.

My pets.

My muscles.

My outlook on life.

Everything that got me to where I am now.  

There are no right or wrong answers.  It is about what you are grateful for.   It is proven that doing this once a week for three months (actually just 9 weeks) makes you happier, healthier, exercise more and less sensitive to perceived slights.  You will sweat the small stuff less and focus on what really matters.

So… what are you waiting for???

Food for thought:

Do the thing you resist doing.  It is something I try to get all of my riders and clients to do.  What you are trying your damnedest to get out of is the very thing that will doggedly pursue you until it is acknowledged in some way.  What you resist persists.  When you are avoiding something it will, at some point, be too big to ignore.  It is something that I have to remind myself of on a regular basis.

Who wants to do what they don't want to do?  I mean, if it isn't fun, if it highlights an area of weakness or demonstrates a part of your life that you haven't gotten a handle on then sweeping it under the rug is an appealing option.  No one want to feel like a failure, especially if that something you are avoiding is actually within your control to manage.  So often our avoidance is irrational.  We tend to avoid things that would, when we faced them, give us a sense of peace and calm like nothing else.  We make the thing that we are afraid of really big until it takes up space in a disproportionate way to the size of the issue.  

Try facing that thing, that scary monster under your bed.  No, don't try, do it.  It is time to get out from under the thing (your own mind) that is playing tricks on you.  Facing your fears has a power in it that is unrivaled.  When you do the thing that scares you you realize that fear is never the issue, it is the lack of trust in yourself.  You can handle what you are given, I promise.  You can deal with whatever shows up in your life, you are strong enough.  

xo

a

Letting Go of What You Know

Hello, How are you responding to your life?  Are you resisting or accepting?  If you aren't sure then think about the ease of your life.  Is there any or are you stressed and generally unhappy?  We tend to resist change and accept what we have grown accustomed to (even when it doesn't make us happy).  We resist change so much that it often comes in the form of big life events that are difficult or impossible for us to ignore.  We humans actually believe that we have some control over the movement of the universe, that we can make things happen how and when we would like them to.  We have some influence, indeed.  After all we are all co-creators of this world.  In reality we are waking up to a new possibility each day, one where the best tool in your bag is curiosity.  

In order to live a life that has a bit less struggle and a lot more snuggle :)  (I sometimes just like to rhyme) you are going to first come to the understanding that you don't need to know everything.  You can trust and have faith that things are happening for a reason and to be open to understanding later.  You can also recognize that as time passes your information will change.  What you know to be the case now will not necessarily stay the same in the future.  Each day brings with it surprises.  Planning is important and valuable, being attached to the plan is a hinderance when plans change (note that it isn't "if" plans change).  Everything is in motion.  Nothing is the way it was yesterday, or two minutes ago for that's sake.  Our desire and efforts to keep things as is is futile on every level and on every layer.  When we are curious, this truth that the only constant is inconsistency or change, becomes less fear making and inspires more creativity and risk taking.  

 

This brings me back to whether you are accepting or resisting your life.  When you accept change as a way of life you live a life with so much less fear.  You become curious about what the change that is presenting itself means.  This doesn't mean that you aren't sometimes afraid, resistant or unhappily surprised.  It just means that you are able to let go of these old programmed responses quickly and come to a place where you begin to see that there is more to change than shock.  There is a depth of acceptance that resistance simply cannot appreciate.  Acceptance is where growth begins.  Growth can only happen when you have an understanding that there is more than what is and curiosity is the gift of staying open to all of the information the situation you are in has to offer you.  You are like a sponge from the day you are conceived.  You soak up information and choose how to use it throughout your life.  As you age you begin to either continue to absorb or dry up.  Imagine absorbing throughout, being as curious, as accepting as a baby is.  How would you see the world differently if you believed it was a never-ending all-knowing school?  How would your life change?

xo

a

2013-05-24 20.23.20

Your Change, Their Pain

Hi! Are you working on yourself?  Have you made big changes in the past few months?  What have you noticed about everyone around you once you stopped worrying about everyone around you?  In my work I let most of my clients know that resistance is part of the journey, their own and then from the outside as well.  Family and friends may not be supportive of the changes they are making because those changes effect the family and friends as well.  Change is not something that is generally welcomed with open arms…  This life change stuff is no exception.  You may find, if you are getting your sh*t together, so to speak, that those you love the most don't love the developments  the most.

If you are learning how to communicate your needs when you have never really taken care of your needs in the past, you are going to begin to set boundaries that were never set.  This means people won't have access to you in the same way they once did.  This may not just stop people from supporting you, this may actually piss them off.  Your happiness is not the priority of anyone else, period.  Your happiness, your development, your growth responsibility is directly in your lap to be taken care of.  It has always been there, in your lap, you were just a neglectful caregiver. 

Imagine the one that you love waking up one day and saying that the things that were normal and expected are no longer allowed?  What if you were told that the very things you were happy getting from your partner came to a halt?  It would be hard to recognize the changes as wonderful when your world is impacted, in your mind, negatively.  Even if you know that the changes your loved one is making makes them happier, you may feel left out, left behind, confused and in some ways betrayed…  You didn't ask for the changes after all, you are just made to deal with them.  When communicating change to your loved ones, do so with the understanding that they may feel victimized by the changes you are making for yourself, that it isn't about you, their resistance… it is about them working hard to preserve what they feel is theirs.  

When you go forward on this journey of growth and development it is important to understand that some of the journey you may feel alone.  After all, you surrounding yourself with others who supported where you were… not where you were going.  So you have been around others who believed your lack of self-care was ok, normal or healthy.  So as you figure your life out, they may not fit in it the same way they did.  It is not unusual for relationships to go through growing pains when one person in the relationship changes the dance.  It is also to be expected that some of your relationships may not survive.  As you grow you let go of things that no longer serve you, this sometimes includes your closest connections.  

The farther along you go in your growth you may notice that you have lots of opportunities to practice your new outlook, communication style, belief system, etc… You may not call these confrontations opportunities, but that is what they are.  These interactions with others give you the chance to truly solidify your work, to demonstrate or practice your growth in various ways.  Look at each uncomfortable situation where someone or something challenges your newfound understanding as a chance to truly let the old fall away and stretch out in your new skin.  It is a gift, this resistance, use it as such.  

Remember, you owe the world your work on you, that is about it.  Imagine if each of us spent our time figuring out how to be better towards ourselves?  Imagine if we each took responsibility for our feelings, our joys, our pains?  Imagine a world where we didn't project what was happening for us on others… where we could actually differentiate?  This world is on its way… thanks for joining me on the journey.

xo

a

What's Good???

Good Morning!!! Tuesday Gratitude Practice is here!!!  How will you take what you are grateful for through the rest of your day?  This isn't just about writing it down and sending it back…  put it out there!  Let the world feel your appreciation!  Let's make a difference.

 This only  takes a few moments to do but gives to you for much, much longer.  So put down whatever you are doing and take a couple of minutes for yourself.  Every Tuesday morning I am going to ask you to write down 5 things that you are grateful for and email them to me (keep for yourself as well).  What are you feeling gratitude around?  Here are mine for this week:

Breakdowns.

Guest Rooms.

Trusting What Is.

Dreams.

My Soul.  

There are no right or wrong answers.  It is about what you are grateful for.   It is proven that doing this once a week for three months (actually just 9 weeks) makes you happier, healthier, exercise more and less sensitive to perceived slights.  You will sweat the small stuff less and focus on what really matters.

So… what are you waiting for???

Food for thought:

We run as fast as we can from pain.  It is smart really.  If you can get away from what is hurting you then you can find safety, a place where you won't be hurt anymore.  Animals in the wild do it all of the time.  They sense danger or see it and they flee.  They run until danger leaves and then they confidently go back to whatever it is they were doing before.  They find a safe place to continue living.  What if the place that scared them, that was causing injury, that they needed to run from was between their ears?  

When you find yourself running from your past and you find your past years and years before, where are you running to, what from and where will you go.  The abuse isn't happening now.  You aren't the child that was hurt, the adult that was left, the person that was afraid.  You are ok and yet you are still running.  You found safety only to realize you never left the hurt behind.  You relive it on some level all of the time.  You find things to support that this is your new normal, that pain is around every corner.  You stop trusting, you stop believing, you set up your world so that what happened can never ever happen again.  What if what happened was a one off?  What if it was only possible to happen when you were 5 years old and now that you are an adult you are not capable of being in the same situation?  What if you have nothing to fear anymore?  

We replay what has hurt us over in our heads, by the relationships we pick that will mirror parts of our past pain, by not letting go.  We hold onto so many memories that don't serve us.  We decide that remembering the things that hurt you will somehow keep you safe.  What keeps you safe is remembering what things worked, where you were happy and loved and comfortable and repeating that.  Pain is a part of the journey.  Suffering for decades around that pain isn't.  That is a choice.  

What are some memories where everything was great?  Where you were loved, supported, cared for and safe?  What if you looked at your history as a gift for yourself and others?  What if you changed your ideas around your history?  What if you changed the way you saw what happened to you and the language around it?  What happened to you could be what happened for you… for you to be who you are now, all the drama, all the joy, all the experiences are piling up to create the you that you are.  And you are pretty great.

xo

a

Fear Not...

Howdy there, Fear.  It is so powerful.  It fills all the spaces that love lives.  Fear can motivate us to do amazing things.  It can push us to make changes, it can make us seem like we are risky and brave.  Fear can look a lot like love in some ways.  Fear can bring people together and keep them there.  Fear can create community and solidarity.  Fear can bring things to the surface, can make you feel. Fear is humbling, fear is petrifying, fear is undeniable, fear refuses to let go.  We all use it, have it, are consumed by it at some point or another in our lives.  It is also unexpected sometimes… it just appears and brings us to our knees.  

Fear is the great mask, the great mimic.  It keeps you from doing anything that you are unfamiliar with and we say it is about having stability.  It stops you from growing your relationships, challenging what may not be serving you or working for you presently and instead of recognizing this resistance to growth as fear, we say it is because we promised to love and cherish… Love doesn't fear and fear doesn't love.  Fear makes you believe you are coming from a place that is about safety and strength when it is truly about the lack of those two things.  True strength isn't concerned with the unknowing.  True strength is the confidence to know that whatever the outcome all will be well and all will be able to be handled.  True safety is knowing that this body you are housed in is temporary and, on the grand scheme of things, that we are always ok, divinely so.  

Check your motivations.  Find out the reasons behind your decisions.  Learn to tell the difference between love and fear.  Fear leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth.  Fear keeps you depleted.  Fear is exhausting.  When you are living with fear as your guide you don't have a lot to give.  When fear is the impetus you are may feel defeated, powerless, withdrawn, nervous, lonely, desperate, angry, aggressive, irritated, pushy, self-righteous, dominating and guarded.  Your heart will be closed to most everyone, you may either feel that you know everything or that you know nothing.  Fear is extreme, fear is wild and unbalanced.  Fear is often present in most aspects of most people's lives.  Even yours.  

When you let love take over you are lifted.  You have a viewpoint that allows you to see the 8 sides of the Great Pyramid, you are flying, you rise.  See if you can feel, know, love the difference.  

xo

a