ownership

Love Brings Joy

Hello lovely, I am happy 99.8% of the time. I am asked how is that possible and what do I do. Well the short answer is that I do what I want. But truly it is because I take responsibility for me, how I feel, that my feelings are mine and not someone else's. I don't blame another for where I am, who I am or how I am. I realize that I have the power to view things in a way that will foster love and growth or fear and destruction. I am happy because I put so much love into me that nothing else has room to grow. I have no space for someone else to set up shop and start dismantling what I have built. Believe me, people will try; they will try to get inside of you and tell you that you are wrong, bad. It is your choice whether to let them in or to tell them to high-tail it out of town.

We are so used to feeling the need to be validated by others that we allow them to tell us that we are doing our lives all wrong. As an example: I was discussing family with a friend when she asked me how I respond to people being less than understanding when they find out that I don't speak to my mother (except in cases of emergency). I responded that I don't give people the space to judge what I do (to my face at least). The idea that someone would feel comfortable telling me that they feel I should live my life differently is comedy to me. Honestly hilarious. Part of the reason there is no room is because I am never confused about decisions I make. I recognize this as a blessing, I do. I work with my clients to gain clarity around their own lives so that they can also make clear and definitive choices, and change their minds if they choose to.

I live my truth at all times. I do not ever attempt to be someone other than who I am, fully. That person is absolutely deserving, worthy, worthwhile, amazing and divine. She is also an asshole, stubborn and selfish when she needs to be. I don't EVER feel wrong. I don't ever feel like I am not good enough. I don't ever believe someone is going to know better than I will how I feel. I never allow those stories, those lies to be a part of my universe. They are allergic to the air in my atmosphere. It is the most freeing thing that you can ever experience, being authentic. I do what I want and you can too; things will still get done, life will continue, work will be worked and tasks accomplished.

So, yes, I am happy because I wouldn't have it any other way. My joy is of the utmost importance. When I am joy I am able to give without needing to take many breaks; I don't feel used; I don't need it reciprocated because it is without expectation that I am giving. Happiness is available to every single one of us… you just have to take it.

butterflylady
butterflylady

Go Get It

Holla! What are you willing to do to get what you want?  Seriously?  Are you ready to stop making excuses and actually accomplish what you want to?  So many things start with the reasons why you cannot.  What if you shifted your focus on the reasons you could do something.  What is it you want to accomplish?  What dreams do you have?  We have a million reasons why we don't do what we are truly hankering to do.  

Some of the reasons/excuses are: 

Not enough time, not enough money, not enough support, don't know where to start, too busy, not good at what you want to do, family or friends think it is stupid, too many people doing it already, desire to have a certain outcome, afraid of seeming selfish, you don't know what you want and many more.  This list is in no way a complete one.  There are many, many more excuses that I am sure you can come up with.  Regardless of the nature of the reason/excuse there are no ones that actually can hold a candle to the truth.  The truth is, of course there is no reason you cannot succeed at your dreams.  You are absolutely capable of doing whatever you set your mind to and are willing to work for.  The issue is with your excuses and your actual desire to be somewhere you aren't yet.

When you want something bad enough you won't stop to get it.  When you want your dreams as much as you want food to eat when you are starving, warmth when you are freezing, air when you cannot breathe, or love when you are desperate and lonely, you will stop at nothing make them a reality.  You won't worry about whether you got enough sleep or if someone thinks you are selfish for pursuing your dreams.  You will stop saying you don't have enough time and will use the time you used to use making excuses to get closer to realizing your dreams.  When you are done with the reasons you cannot you will only have the reasons you can…When you want something else more than what you have in this moment, you are well on your way.

I have always wanted to write consistently.  When I graduated from college I promised myself that I would write regularly.  It took me over a decade and a half to make that happen, but it happened when I was done with not having that dream be a part of my life.  It doesn't matter if I want to get sleep, I want to write more.  It doesn't matter if I am missing seeing my friends, I have a dream that needs my attention and I will give it that until it grows into what I know it can be.  Nothing and no one will get in the way of my bringing my dreams into this world.  There is no reason good enough to stop me from being happy.  No excuse valid enough for me to abandon what I truly want for myself.  My dreams are not about pleasing or making others comfortable.  It is about me doing what I want and loving it.  That is pure love, that is happiness. 

So, what did you say you wanted?

world fingers

xo

a

You're In Charge

Hi! One of the hardest things to realize is that we have to do it ourselves.  It, everything, all of it.  Now, it doesn't mean we don't get help, on the contrary, that is one of the best things about other people existing, they can help.  But they cannot do it.  If I am thirsty you could drink all the water in the world and my thirst would not be quenched.  If I don't like myself, you could love me unconditionally and I would only be able to receive a fraction of it.  You have to do it yourself.  Really.  You cannot ask your partner to do something different so that you can feel differently.  Well, you can, but understand that you are pushing in a direction that may not go where you would like it to.  When we put the onus on someone else to make us feel happy, sad, or whatever, we give away (or try to) our power to truly find joy, contentment and everlasting love to someone else that actually cannot, no matter how hard they try, give you anything of the sort.  

When you recognize that you are the key to your happiness you have to recognize that you are also the key to your pain.  I understand why so many people choose to put that on someone else.  Working on how you treat yourself is one of the most daunting things that we are faced with.  Most people much rather look at the 'wrongs' of others instead of paying attention to whether or not they are 'wronging' themselves.  Paying attention to the details of our actions, feelings and thoughts, is not something that most people choose to do.  Being disciplined about learning the ways in which we treat ourselves well or not so well is not something that most people practice.  The most common response to life is numbing out when things are not going the way we want them to, or blaming others and abusing ourselves.  No matter how aggressive you are about not being responsible for you, you cannot get away from the truth.  No matter how many people you have duped into believing that they make you feel one way or another you will never figure your sh*t out until you take all of it back.  

The best part of it all is that you are not in charge of anyone else.  You don't have to have the weight of the world on your shoulders, just your world.  You are not the cause of reason for anyone else's anything, seriously.  That  means you will need to unload the baggage of others.  It also means you will have to find another reason for feeling useful.  So many people don't feel useful unless they are helping someone else.  I totally get that, my work is to serve.  The first person who I must serve is me.  If I am not well fed, loved and nurtured what use am I to anyone else?  Additionally, once you really dig in and do your work you find out how much nothing is ever about anyone else… and it is all about, whether you want it to be or not.  We filter everything period, there is no hope of not filtering, as long as use our senses to gather information.  When you do your work you are better able to serve because you aren't trying to save, you are just helping people along their path, not trying to get them to go down yours, or have them take on an area of your own life you have refused to manage.

Be kind to yourself and loving, always.  You deserve it.  Be appreciative of each thing, experience, person that got you here.  Take charge of what you are in charge of and let the rest go.  Know that you are the boss of you and make it so you want to go to work everyday.

xo

a

charles1

ps.  Can you guess why I picked the photo for this blog?

The Walking Wounded

Hi there, We all have stuff that we are working through.  We are all a little bit wounded somewhere somehow.  Way too often we take out our issues on one another instead of sorting through them out thoroughly and using our past experiences to serve and not sabotage.  Some of us are so injured by our history that we feel justified in behaving like we were raised by wolves, even when we are confronted with the inappropriateness of our actions.  You may know someone who does this or this person may be you.  Either way, the last thing either one of you needs to do is judge the situation and condemn the person or yourself for behavior that isn't that uncommon.  

So often the bigger issue is that once the behavior turns to regression, shame ensues.  When someone behaves in a way that is in response to feeling wounded from things past, they often feel ashamed, embarrassed, or 'in trouble' and will do just about anything to get away from that feeling.  I mean, who the hell likes feeling that way?  The only reason someone defends is because they feel attacked, small, regressed.  There is judgement somewhere going on for them and it comes out as protection.  They are protecting the child that was running the show when the behavior was being played out to begin with.  Because they themselves aren't parenting their inner child they defend it… Kind of like moms with unruly children end up defending the child's behavior at all costs because it is a reflection of what they have or have not done.  Well, we behave the same way when the child that we are forever raising and loving behaves poorly.  

When we defend our unruly behavior we are effectively condoning the behavior of our wounded selves; telling that little that it is ok to lash out and do what had more than likely been done to them.  So the cycle continues.  We run around letting our little wounded selves hurt other wounded selves.  It is an interesting and sometimes unsettling scenario that we experience.  A good way to know that you are in this situation, either as the one wounded or the one being blamed for the wounding is for there to be offense, anger, frustration, or resentment present.  At this point it is key to remember that no one is doing anything to you to make you feel one way or another.  The other key is to be curious about your feelings or the other person's.  Then, take responsibility where it is necessary.  If you are the one feeling these feelings then you are responsible.  If you are the one who is being told that you are the cause of, do not take the credit.  It is a form of enabling… and we do it so much it has become normal behavior.  

Allowing someone to own their feelings is one of the most supportive things you can do as a wounded person and a healer (which we all are on some level or another).  When you support someone in being responsible for their behavior you are loving them, not judging them by saying that what they are doing is bad…  it is where they are, help them to get somewhere else.  Judgment doesn't hold space for growth… on the contrary, it effectively shuts it down.  So hold space, love, let go of the judgment, see your own wounded self in the other and take care.  

Be love, see love, breathe love.  It is all going to be alright.

xo

a

Blame Yourself

Howdy, Something that has always been a challenge with me in relationship is when someone says, "you made me angry, or you hurt my feelings, or you insert blame here.  I first stop caring almost immediately (true story) because blame and Aina are like oil and water.  I literally separate from myself from it.  Then I go into explaining how I cannot make anyone feel anything.  That is solely up to the feeler.  You do that totally on your own.  I cannot tell you how many arguments I have been in where that has been believed to be a debate.  I am imagining that some of you right now are appalled at the idea that your feelings aren't because of someone else.  If this is true for any of you, "Welcome To Truth."  It may not be what you want but it is certainly what you need.

We spend so much of our lives blaming this person or that establishment, or this situation for how we feel, what we do, why we do it… we are running around shirking responsibility like it is our job.  Most people are seasoned pros at how to make it about someone else.  They said it with this tone, she looked at me this way, you made me a, b or c.  Another tool in the blame box is should.  You should have said this, or you should have done that and then everything would be a-ok.  Or you shouldn't do things that make me blah blah f*cking blah.  

The truth is your feelings originate with you.  Period.  I don't like street clothes in the bed, period.  Now no one makes me mad, it is just a preference I have.  I choose to be angry over it or not.  I don't have to be if I choose not to be.  If I am dating someone and they don't do something that I would like for them to do I can decide how I will respond.  It isn't written in the stars that I get pissed off with them.  They certainly aren't choosing my emotions for me.  I, along with the years I have been on this planet as Aina, experiencing her experiences and taking in whatever programming/conditioning I chose to take, help me decide how I am going to feel about not getting what I want in one situation or another.  I could be like most everyone else and decide that something outside of me is pulling the strings… but it just isn't true.  If I were someone else and that person had a different set of rules and programming/conditioning the street clothes issue wouldn't be an issue.  Because my feelings, preferences, want, needs are my own.  How I feel about someone doing anything is also my own.  I create the world I live in which includes the feelings I have.  Once you own it you can work on controlling it a bit… and you can most certainly stop blaming.  

The hard part of all of this is that owning your feelings is the Ultimate Responsibility.  When you realize you are the reason for everything in your life and you have no one to blame you have to start looking at yourself.  No one else can be a distraction any longer.  You will see how you allow yourself to be victimized by this or that feeling.  You allow yourself to be taken advantage of, sick, depressed, unhappy, abused, rejected, etc.  You also allow yourself to be loved, honored, cared for, praised, appreciated.  The ultimate responsibility is ultimately a blessing.  It reminds you that you are in the driver's seat.  Your feelings, your ideas, your situations are up to you.  The world you live in is the one you create, not the one you blame on someone or something else. 

So wake up and take responsibility.  Stop giving others credit for what you are doing.  You are the reason.  Always have been always will be.

xo

a

No Excuses, No Regrets

Howdy!! I have a lot of experience in a lot of areas.  I feel that I have really lived a life.  I am pretty protective of my life… and around judgment of it.  I don't care to hear what you think if you are thinking negatively about my life.  I know that I am doing what I am supposed to do… period.  I don't ever feel that I am living in error.  I also make it clear to everyone that I know that they are not allowed to put that energy into my world, that I am making mistakes.  There are no mistakes or missteps in my life.  None.  I see the beauty of every moment, every nuance.  It truly is spectacular.

Today as I was hanging out with a dear, dear friend, one of my favorites, and discussing the oft-times hilarious and other times tragic situations of my love life when she quickly pointed out that I needed to stop dating this or that type of person.  I immediately realized that I had basically had it up to my neck with any and everyone missing what I believe to be the point of life and my life in particular (since it was what was under discussion).  First, do I  feel like I need to stop doing something, because who gives two shits about someone else thinking I need to do something different?  I don't, that is who.  Second, am I wondering "why me" as a victim minded person would?  Ummm no.  I know why… always do.  Do I feel like I don't have a handle on it?  Or is it that she or anyone, for that matter, would like to see me do something different?  If that is the case, what anyone thinks about me is none of my business… unless you think I am awesome… then please, share away!

After I quickly communicated to her why I feel it important to honor my experiences and she, being the brilliant, loving person she is, quickly got it.  I have to hand it to her… and to all of my friends, I am very blunt and pull no punches most of the time… they are all an amazing lot.  I am blessed.

We have so many motivations for communicating that I could write a blog everyday for the rest of my life just on the reasons behind what we do.  It is infinite and infinitely interesting.  Nothing is ever what it seems.  The same goes for everything else in life.  I know why I have dated the lovely people I have dated.  I know why the universe has given me the opportunity to see myself through these folks.  I understand and am so appreciative.  I have no regrets, I want nothing other than what I have had because I am where I am because of what I have experienced….and I LOVE where I am. I understand so much more than many because I have risked a lot more than many.  I have jumped into situations without weighing the pros and cons.  I have weighed the pros and cons and held back.  And I have done a whole bunch in between.  I have some patterns but mostly I go with what I am supposed to do… from my inner knowing.  I have never stayed in a situation that wasn't beneficial to me in some way.  Actually, this is true for all of us.  We don't do anything that we are getting nothing from.

When you are living your life you are experiencing everything you need to in order to get out of it what is most important for your soul.  No one has authority over you in this way.  You have things you need to learn, experiences you need to have and people who you need to know.  Whatever the drama, joys, or encounters, they are yours to glean from them what you will… and you will have ample opportunity to learn, every day, in every way.

So live your life… it belongs to you!

xo

a