partners

You Hurt You. Stop.

Hello lovely, How long would you tolerate a relationship where you were told that you weren't living up to the expectations of your partner.  What if you worked hard to make progress to attempt to appease your partner and they still found fault with you and refused to validate the work you had done thus far?  What if you told your friends what your partner said to you.  That they called you fat, lazy, unorganized, stupid and other such things?  What would they advise you to do?  If your friend came to you with this information, how would you advise them?

self_harm2

Emotional abuse is far more damaging overall than physical and most of us are guilty of perpetrating it.  Usually we have the where-with-all to keep it a secret and only do it in our safest most private places… in our own hearts and minds.  We cut ourselves down so swiftly most of us don't even recognize that it is being done but it is.  We are victims to ourselves.  No matter where we go there we are.  Looking in the mirror, eating dinner or a snack, walking to and fro, doing the work you have chosen, you are there putting yourself down when the chance arises.  We fill ourselves full of doubt, we imagine the worst.  We believe we don't deserve all the great things and when they come along we often have a hard time accepting them.  We may feel ok to have what "makes sense" for the work we have put in, but any more than that and we upper limit ourselves and create reasons for not being able to push past certain points in various areas of our lives.  

Do you need to break up with you or do you have a chance to be rehabilitated?  You would advise your friend to leave the lover who was abusive, emotionally or otherwise… so I am advising you to do something similar.  Treat that side of yourself as you would someone who is unbelievably insecure and lashes out regularly.  That part of you is like a person drowning looking for anything close to push down on in order to get above the surface.  You are going to have to be disciplined and diligent when it comes to either cutting off the nasty comments or reframing them and reprogramming the responses of your own personal bully.  When you are able to do this the world will open up in ways you never realized it would.  When you are supportive to yourself you can breathe, you are lighter.  

How would anyone fare being abused daily?  Ok, now look at your life and the areas you would like to be improved, would support help in this area?  Would some positive reinforcement be a motivating force?  I believe so.  Try it, what do you have to lose except that abusive bully that lives inside you.  Your higher self is waiting.

xo

a

Let Them Be

Hiya, I know many, many couples and have been in plenty myself.  One thing that is just truth throughout any relationship is the desire for one partner or both to want someone different from who they are with.  No matter how hard you try you will not change anyone.  You can hope and wish and try and berate and ask and pray and beg and prod and threaten and sweet talk and do much more… if the person you are trying to change wants nothing of the sort, you would do better to wish for the sun to blow up and life to continue than to get someone to do something that they don't feel in their soul and have it truly become a part of them.  So many of us begin relationships thinking that our partners will change for the better and in the direction we prefer.  Most of the time our partners want the same things, to get along, to be  nothing but  happen, but often there is little to no work involved and just wishing things were different.

It is hard to tell your partner that you don't like them as they are, so we find ways to do so without ever speaking the truth.  We tell them that they are wrong, that no one else does what they do, that they would be happier if they did a, b, c or d.  We give them ultimatums.  We try to show them our side in hopes that it is enticing enough for them to join us there.  We spend a lot of time not seeing the other person and ignoring what we do see.  We place an idea on someone and expect them to live up to it because it is so much better than their current reality, to us.  We then get very upset when the person we are with never fits into the image we have for the perfect mate.  We somehow feel like they haven't tried… because they haven't morphed into something that wasn't their choosing.

So what if when you met someone you accepted that they were showing up and this was the best they had to give in the moment.  What if you didn't get them to do anything differently or even ask when it wasn't about how you preferred being treated.  What if you just let them navigate their love life and their relationships, including what they wanted with you?  What if you put the energy you would normally put into getting them to be something you would like working on yourself in some way?  What if you actually saw the person for who they were in this moment instead of who they might possibly become (with lots of work and hand-holding and back sliding)?  You may find that resentment goes away on both sides.  You might find that you enjoy the person right now without needing anything to change or you might see that you aren't compatible and find someone who is.

You will always have more success working on yourself than you would working on someone else.  You can hope and wish and pray and beg but you will soon discover that we are who we choose to be, not who someone else makes us.  Try to see, understand and love where people are in their lives.  Try to connect with the person they are now and let the rest take care of itself.  If someone isn't working toward moving closer to you and meeting you half-way, no amount of pressure is going to get them to do it from their own heart.  If you are feeling like the person you are with needs a lot of 'fixing' maybe it is you that needs it too, so you don't choose partners who aren't ready or compatible to you.  There are a lot of people in the world, billions, if one doesn't fit, I promise you, there are many many more to choose from that don't need your magic to turn into prince or princess charming.

xo

a

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