boundaries

Love Brings Joy

Hello lovely, I am happy 99.8% of the time. I am asked how is that possible and what do I do. Well the short answer is that I do what I want. But truly it is because I take responsibility for me, how I feel, that my feelings are mine and not someone else's. I don't blame another for where I am, who I am or how I am. I realize that I have the power to view things in a way that will foster love and growth or fear and destruction. I am happy because I put so much love into me that nothing else has room to grow. I have no space for someone else to set up shop and start dismantling what I have built. Believe me, people will try; they will try to get inside of you and tell you that you are wrong, bad. It is your choice whether to let them in or to tell them to high-tail it out of town.

We are so used to feeling the need to be validated by others that we allow them to tell us that we are doing our lives all wrong. As an example: I was discussing family with a friend when she asked me how I respond to people being less than understanding when they find out that I don't speak to my mother (except in cases of emergency). I responded that I don't give people the space to judge what I do (to my face at least). The idea that someone would feel comfortable telling me that they feel I should live my life differently is comedy to me. Honestly hilarious. Part of the reason there is no room is because I am never confused about decisions I make. I recognize this as a blessing, I do. I work with my clients to gain clarity around their own lives so that they can also make clear and definitive choices, and change their minds if they choose to.

I live my truth at all times. I do not ever attempt to be someone other than who I am, fully. That person is absolutely deserving, worthy, worthwhile, amazing and divine. She is also an asshole, stubborn and selfish when she needs to be. I don't EVER feel wrong. I don't ever feel like I am not good enough. I don't ever believe someone is going to know better than I will how I feel. I never allow those stories, those lies to be a part of my universe. They are allergic to the air in my atmosphere. It is the most freeing thing that you can ever experience, being authentic. I do what I want and you can too; things will still get done, life will continue, work will be worked and tasks accomplished.

So, yes, I am happy because I wouldn't have it any other way. My joy is of the utmost importance. When I am joy I am able to give without needing to take many breaks; I don't feel used; I don't need it reciprocated because it is without expectation that I am giving. Happiness is available to every single one of us… you just have to take it.

butterflylady
butterflylady

Toxic

Hello there! There are people in your world that may not need to stay. If that resonated then I am talking to you. It doesn't matter if they are your sister, mother, brother or friend, if they are toxic then they aren't helping you. I know you may feel like I am being harsh or that you couldn't possibly cut off ties with someone you are related to or are friends with, but it isn't about what you think you should do, it is about what is best for you; what is best for your soul. In order to hear what I am saying you have to let go of your sense of duty and obligation and your fear and judgment around being left by someone you want to stay in your life. You will have to be brutally honest with yourself and you might have to have a "come to Jesus" moment where you give yourself a mini intervention. You may be in an abusive relationship in some way and refused to see it as such simply because you love the person, are related to them or have been acquainted for some period of time.

Know that saying how you feel about a, b or c doesn't actually label someone as bad or wrong… you are simply stating your feelings. We often refuse to say how we truly feel about a person or situation because we think that saying you don't like a person's particular behavior is saying you think ill of the person. Not the case. Those two things are separate. For example: For me, my mother is toxic. This doesn't actually mean that I am saying my mother is evil, horrible or a bad person, just that I feel happier and healthier when I have little to no interaction with her. I am stating the truth about how I feel and what my experience has been in regards to her. She says very unkind things on a regular basis and seems to get a kick out of using very aggressive language to illustrate her disdain for me, so I choose to take my leave. When something is toxic it is poisonous or harmful. People can be toxic regardless of their connection to you, you being close doesn't equal yummy treatment. People can be mean and hurtful in your opinion and you don't actually have to judge them or take it personally. You can let them be who they are without having to be with them. We forget that we don't have to force change on people, we don't have to always make someone understand us or do what we want. It isn't reasonable to always try to have others bend to your will. Sometimes relationships aren't meant to be and that is and always will be ok. We make things really complicated when we judge them; when we judge them we have a hard time letting them be what they are.

What they are is simple too. People aren't generally mean to you because they just love being mean or they desire toxicity. If someone isn't treating you well, in your opinion, they most likely are doing the same thing to themselves. If you can stop and remember that we see the world the way that we are… so if someone is unhappy, mean, cruel, abusive they most likely are in pretty bad shape spiritually and emotionally. They don't need judgment, no one does. They don't need cruelty in return and they most certainly don't need enabling. You aren't here to be abused or mistreated. Being loving isn't staying with or around someone who brings you down. Regardless of understanding why someone is being awful to you, you don't actually need to deal with it. or stay in the abusive situation or relationship. The understanding is so you can remember to be compassionate, from a distance if necessary.

Now, what if the person that is toxic is you? This is the case for at least one person that will read this. If you are your own worst connection you aren't going to be able to take your leave as you could with something that isn't you. You will have to stay and deal with your demons. We can be the biggest abusers to ourselves and not even recognize it. If you put yourself down, discourage, say mean things, or are impatient with allowing yourself to be where you are, you most likely are toxic to you… The first step in getting out of this cycle with yourself is recognizing that this is true and that you would prefer to do something different; that you would prefer to be supportive of you. When you can be your own biggest fan, the wind beneath your own wings the possibilities are endless (they are endless anyway).

Find what makes you sick, nauseated, anxious, unhappy and remove it from your world. Your thoughts and the feelings that come up around them make up the world you live in. Create a space in your life that is conducive to you living your best life, being your best self, and feeling your best. This space should be guarded like the priceless treasure it is. Let no one, not even that meanie that lives within, disrupt it. You are worth being honored and cherished every day of your life by any and everyone that wants to be a part of it. See how your life changes when you begin to accept only the best from yourself and others.

Tree Silhouette Against Starry Night Sky

xo

a

These 3 Things

Heyo! I have been told that I say things that no one else would say.  Well I am here to help to teach you how to be loving and direct.  Stop wasting everyone's time beating around the bush.  Say what you need to say and move the hell on.  The areas I will touch on are 1) other people's opinions of you; 2) other people's concerns about what you are doing in your life; and 3) your opinion of yourself.  I stress that these things take practice and you will have plenty, believe me.  You will get many opportunities to be lovingly direct because people tend to be kind of annoying.  Sorry peeps, it is true.  I love you but you need to learn to let others be who they are and deal with your own shizznit.  

Ok, when someone says something to you about how you are living your life, such as, "I wouldn't do that."  Tell them, "Then don't."  They will quickly get the message that they need to keep on keeping on with their mouths a tightly closed.  When someone comments on how you are changing your diet or exercise habits… ok, I have to get into this a bit before I continue.  People, if you are overweight, eating poorly and feeling shitty leave the ones who are getting it done alone.  If you are taking care of yourself and you think your way is the only way, you are wrong.  Let people do what makes sense to them and let them ask for help before you offer up your sage advice.  Ok, now, to give you some tools to respond when you are being told that you aren't doing your health and well-being correctly, a great response would be, "thank you for giving me information I didn't ask for."  Or, if that is way too blunt for you, "I would prefer it if you didn't comment on my very personal journey around health and wellness unless you are saying supportive things, thank you."    People you must set boundaries, you will be healthier and happier for it.  The friends, acquaintances and others you interact with will also get a great lesson in respect.  We all could do well to pay more attention to what is happening in our own lives instead of meddling in others.

Now onto dealing with people being worried about you.  In all honesty they aren't worried about you.  They are worried about themselves and projecting all over you.  This is the deal, if you are asking for help then I understand if someone is giving it to you, if you aren't then you aren't.  Now, you may let some of your loved ones know to hold you accountable or call you out.  Still permission must be given before you can step in or respect someone stepping in.  I understand that these boundaries get blurry and can disappear altogether when drugs and or children are involved.  Still understand that there needs to be a respecting of boundaries regardless.

I own my actions completely.  If I did it I did it.  If I am in it I am in it.  I am also ok with whatever it is that I am doing, even if it seems like I am miserable, frustrated, upset or what-have-you.  I know that I am supposed to be exactly where I am.  I don't need anyone's concern.  Love, yes.  Support, yes.  Concern (by concern I mean thinking negatively around me or a situation I am in, not 'caring' about me... that is compassion and is always ok) and worry?  No.  Never.  I am unbelievably optimistic and know that I will make the best decisions for me at all times.  At no point am I regretting, fretting or feeling like I am confused.  So if you happen to be feeling any of those things in regards to me, keep it to yourself.  Just a little heads up.  I don't want to know.

Moving on…  The only thing that actually matters is how you feel about you.  No joke.  Everyone else will follow your lead.  Do you like you?  Others will like you.  Are you working hard to be kind to yourself?  Other people will be kind to you.  Do you take your truth seriously, do you look into yourself to find out how you really feel, what you really want?  You will be supported if you take deep consideration of yourself.  When you put energy into yourself it comes back to you tenfold.  When you respect your truth your truth is respected.  When you set boundaries you are saying you give a f*ck about yourself, that you are worthy.  You are worthy.  You are worth everything and all things.  You are born worthy and at some point I hope you recognize your worth.  Start by communicating your needs, wants and desires.  Telling others to step back and focus on themselves and let you alone.  You are your own work and you are doing a fine job… getting better everyday.

self-esteem

xo

a

What's Good???

Good Morning!!! Tuesday Gratitude Practice is here!!!  How will you take what you are grateful for through the rest of your day?  This isn't just about writing it down and sending it back…  put it out there!  Let the world feel your appreciation!  Let's make a difference.

 This only  takes a few moments to do but gives to you for much, much longer.  So put down whatever you are doing and take a couple of minutes for yourself.  Every Tuesday morning I am going to ask you to write down 5 things that you are grateful for and email them to me (keep for yourself as well).  What are you feeling gratitude around?  Here are mine for this week:

Jackson.

My home.

Discounts.

My ability to find cheap airline tickets.

Weddings.  

There are no right or wrong answers.  It is about what you are grateful for.   It is proven that doing this once a week for three months (actually just 9 weeks) makes you happier, healthier, exercise more and less sensitive to perceived slights.  You will sweat the small stuff less and focus on what really matters.

So… what are you waiting for???

Food for thought:

I have boundaries.  We all do.  Some of us know exactly what we need to feel safe and communicate those things directly, others do not so their boundary setting is reactionary.  Some people never say what they want, you just know when you crossed it, energetically you know.  Boundaries are a part of existence.  You could say, boundaries are one of the determining factors of existence.  We have emotional, physical, energetic and psychological boundaries.  We place and remove them all of the time.  Many boundaries are situational, others are pretty standard, i.e shaving someone's head without permission… that is a no go without ever really having to say it.  The thing is, most boundaries need to be spoken because they aren't universal.  They are specific to the person with them; as unique and as dynamic as well.

You are the great mystery in your life.  You are here to discover you, the true you, the one that is not seen but sees everything.  You are the answer to the questions.  Boundaries help you grow this relationship into a healthy and happy one.  Like any relationship, you need time for just you and, well, you.  Giving yourself the space to discover what you really feel, what you really like, what you really want, that is only happening if you set boundaries.  You will need spacial boundaries, time boundaries, etc.  You deserve to have time to figure yourself out.  To learn all about you and to use that information to be a great caretaker to yourself.

Boundary setting can be challenging.  If you have never set them you may find that when you begin you either don't set thick enough boundaries or they are way too thin.  Most of it is trial and error… but you can get ahead if you do your research.  The most important thing to remember is that you cannot control what happens for other people when you set boundaries that work for your best interest.  Nor is it important to try to control the response of another person to stave off your fear.  Once you get clear on what you want and set boundaries accordingly, you will find that your freedom has grown exponentially.  You will feel more confident, grounded, and at some point ready to let go of those initial boundaries that you set up.  This is a step to everything else.  Feel, Know, Do and move on.  

xo

a