Hi there, We all have stuff that we are working through. We are all a little bit wounded somewhere somehow. Way too often we take out our issues on one another instead of sorting through them out thoroughly and using our past experiences to serve and not sabotage. Some of us are so injured by our history that we feel justified in behaving like we were raised by wolves, even when we are confronted with the inappropriateness of our actions. You may know someone who does this or this person may be you. Either way, the last thing either one of you needs to do is judge the situation and condemn the person or yourself for behavior that isn't that uncommon.
So often the bigger issue is that once the behavior turns to regression, shame ensues. When someone behaves in a way that is in response to feeling wounded from things past, they often feel ashamed, embarrassed, or 'in trouble' and will do just about anything to get away from that feeling. I mean, who the hell likes feeling that way? The only reason someone defends is because they feel attacked, small, regressed. There is judgement somewhere going on for them and it comes out as protection. They are protecting the child that was running the show when the behavior was being played out to begin with. Because they themselves aren't parenting their inner child they defend it… Kind of like moms with unruly children end up defending the child's behavior at all costs because it is a reflection of what they have or have not done. Well, we behave the same way when the child that we are forever raising and loving behaves poorly.
When we defend our unruly behavior we are effectively condoning the behavior of our wounded selves; telling that little that it is ok to lash out and do what had more than likely been done to them. So the cycle continues. We run around letting our little wounded selves hurt other wounded selves. It is an interesting and sometimes unsettling scenario that we experience. A good way to know that you are in this situation, either as the one wounded or the one being blamed for the wounding is for there to be offense, anger, frustration, or resentment present. At this point it is key to remember that no one is doing anything to you to make you feel one way or another. The other key is to be curious about your feelings or the other person's. Then, take responsibility where it is necessary. If you are the one feeling these feelings then you are responsible. If you are the one who is being told that you are the cause of, do not take the credit. It is a form of enabling… and we do it so much it has become normal behavior.
Allowing someone to own their feelings is one of the most supportive things you can do as a wounded person and a healer (which we all are on some level or another). When you support someone in being responsible for their behavior you are loving them, not judging them by saying that what they are doing is bad… it is where they are, help them to get somewhere else. Judgment doesn't hold space for growth… on the contrary, it effectively shuts it down. So hold space, love, let go of the judgment, see your own wounded self in the other and take care.
Be love, see love, breathe love. It is all going to be alright.