Howdy, It is ok that you aren't always nice. It is ok that you are sometimes an asshole. It is ok that you don't have it all figured out. It is. Many of us have decided that in order to be ok we have to be void of anything that has been judged as negative, bad, base. We believe that we must cut out our darkness as we would a cancer. We want everyone to live in harmony and light without recognizing that harmony and light need discord and darkness to exist. The issue isn't that everything exists, it is all in how we are viewing it. Our adding condemnation to something that we already have fear, shame and regret around only adds to the strength of the darkness and our fear; it only turns the lights out more. When you recognize the place that darkness deserves and requires in order for you to see the light, you no longer have any reason to fear that the darkness or shadow controls you or will do damage. A gun isn't dangerous unless it is in the hands of a human. The darkness isn't the bad guy.
When we refuse to accept the divinity of all things, including the stuff we hate, we refute, we would like to run the opposite direction from, we are forced then to repeat the experience that we so adamantly condemned. We don't have to learn through suffering, it is simply that we refuse to learn any other way… The universe isn't conflicted, we are. The universe isn't judging you as good or bad, it is simply throwing at you information for you to use to create deeper and richer experiences of your choosing. Imagine being able to look at your experiences in your life as ways to grow closer to your's and other's divinity. What would be the purpose of denying anything that was, in actuality, a gift. It is never the thing itself that is the issue but, instead, the thoughts we have about that thing that becomes our albatross. When you leave the thing as an it, or place on it the wise experience that is its highest potential, your world shifts in miraculous ways.
Our thinking is our biggest hurdle, our wanting to fit into an idea of something we have never truly experienced. We spend our time deciding what ok and what is not or trying to manipulate the world around us to fit into our narrow ideas (based on our limited experience) of love. What we don't fully understand is that all of it is love and worry, fear, hate, etc are also part and parcel to the journey to love… albeit roundabout. It is a hard thing to grasp that you are never without, never alone, never lost; that even when you are an asshole you are divine. Even when you don't know the next move to make you are moving in the direction you are supposed to be moving. Acceptance is an unveiling of the miracle of existence… of everything.
Wake up to the magic, it can be phenomenal if you allow it to be.