risk

Fear of Flying

Hi! When you let go of the idea that you will be safe if you have a relationship with someone who understands you, who gets you; when you stop worrying about things that are not happening right now; when you remember that all of this is temporary fear pops up and then bounces away. It is the exact opposite of what happens for those who believe that a relationship will fulfill them, "knowing" will calm them or that what they hold onto will last forever; for those people, fear consumes them. The notion that there is safety, security and fulfillment in all the things that truly are temporary, whether you consciously get it or not, would bring up fear because there is no truth to it. We grab onto one another hoping that in the other we will find ground and stop the fall. What we don't understand is that the one we are holding onto is falling also and couldn't stop your internal struggle no matter how much they wanted to. You are the one who can catch you, make you feel secure and loved fully. You are your savior.

We live in a world where most things are unknown yet we try our best to control all. We put rules on everything in order to gain some semblance of being the boss of all. Then life happens, people leave, die, things end, begin, magic happens. We are so set in believing that we KNOW things that we call anything that goes outside of what we have arbitrarily decided could happen, unexplainable, not true, made up, fantasy, conspiracy or some other such definition that usually has a negative connotation. We actually chastise people who refuse to think like the rest of the society we are in. It is understandable then that deep down we are struggling within this box that we are in. Boxes are cramped and somewhere in our soul we see the expansiveness of existence. We know that the world is bigger than the box but because we don't know what lies outside of it, we freak the f*ck out and basically refuse to leave the 'safety' of it. The box says that if you do certain things then certain things will happen. Well, there may be a possibility that those things are going to happen but there is a possibility that other things would happen too. The world is mysterious, exciting and surprising.

Letting go of our illusion of security is a process for most. You can practice it by doing things that challenge you in various ways. You can do it by changing your language around love, relationships, and the world. You can let go of the idea of security by recognizing that the only control that you have is over you and how you respond to your world… Or you can learn through the fact that the world will stop at nothing to get you to see it. The world, universe, will take things away, bring things in, create chaos and then bring order whether you want it or not. The universe will give you opportunity after opportunity to learn how to let go of our attachments. What you call falling I call flying. When you open up to possibility, to understanding that it is the moment that is precious, not the imagined future, you can stop the drop and begin to enjoy the journey. It is your choice to bury your head or spread your wings.

flyowl
flyowl

xo a

Kidding

Hi there, One of the reasons I enjoy speaking to children so much is that they are so much easier to talk to, share ideas with, create worlds with.  They dream, they speak their dreams, they sing, dance and have fun for no reason at all.  They laugh easily, make jokes that aren't funny but end up being hilarious because they just enjoy the ridiculousness of it all and make friends easily.  They are far from innocent but they believe what they cannot see because they know that there is so much more… they feel their way through the world and acknowledge that they don't know when they don't know.  They are forever curious.

The older I get the more I enjoy being around children or those who are in the winter of their life for a few reasons.  Old people don't always give a rat's ass about what others think anymore and kids certainly don't.  Somewhere in the middle we get freaked the f*ck out about each and every move we make.  We fear the unknown, we don't dance without being drunk, we second guess our every thought and move.  It is exhausting to think about how much grief each grown-up give themselves for not being perfect.  At what point were we supposed to master perfection?  When were we supposed to learn it all?  We get jobs that pay us and we get set in a lifestyle and we forget what it was like to just be happy.  No one thing needed to happen to be happy, we could just see what is unseen, the fairies, the beauty of the world.  We forget to sing songs into existence and dance to rhythms that only we can hear.  We stop being open to someone who we are drawn to.

Don't wait until you have grown out of the fear and into your later years to regain your joy.  Do the things that are scary, be new at something again.  Bring back that feeling of wonder… live your life like you are in charge because you are.  Know that you cannot make a wrong move if you are learning from every step.  Life isn't about planning and waiting.  Life isn't about pretending to be something you aren't.  Life isn't about competing and comparing.  Life, when you are truly living is scary and thrilling and surprising and rarely, if ever, boring.  Dream again; dream BIG then do what you have to in order to realize that dream.  You have a life to live… it is short, really, and it is worth the risk of failure in order to risk living your dreams.  The tradeoff is not even close.  Nothing beats doing what you truly want to do.  Kids know this… when did you forget?

kidsplay

xo

a

Letting Go of What You Know

Hello, How are you responding to your life?  Are you resisting or accepting?  If you aren't sure then think about the ease of your life.  Is there any or are you stressed and generally unhappy?  We tend to resist change and accept what we have grown accustomed to (even when it doesn't make us happy).  We resist change so much that it often comes in the form of big life events that are difficult or impossible for us to ignore.  We humans actually believe that we have some control over the movement of the universe, that we can make things happen how and when we would like them to.  We have some influence, indeed.  After all we are all co-creators of this world.  In reality we are waking up to a new possibility each day, one where the best tool in your bag is curiosity.  

In order to live a life that has a bit less struggle and a lot more snuggle :)  (I sometimes just like to rhyme) you are going to first come to the understanding that you don't need to know everything.  You can trust and have faith that things are happening for a reason and to be open to understanding later.  You can also recognize that as time passes your information will change.  What you know to be the case now will not necessarily stay the same in the future.  Each day brings with it surprises.  Planning is important and valuable, being attached to the plan is a hinderance when plans change (note that it isn't "if" plans change).  Everything is in motion.  Nothing is the way it was yesterday, or two minutes ago for that's sake.  Our desire and efforts to keep things as is is futile on every level and on every layer.  When we are curious, this truth that the only constant is inconsistency or change, becomes less fear making and inspires more creativity and risk taking.  

 

This brings me back to whether you are accepting or resisting your life.  When you accept change as a way of life you live a life with so much less fear.  You become curious about what the change that is presenting itself means.  This doesn't mean that you aren't sometimes afraid, resistant or unhappily surprised.  It just means that you are able to let go of these old programmed responses quickly and come to a place where you begin to see that there is more to change than shock.  There is a depth of acceptance that resistance simply cannot appreciate.  Acceptance is where growth begins.  Growth can only happen when you have an understanding that there is more than what is and curiosity is the gift of staying open to all of the information the situation you are in has to offer you.  You are like a sponge from the day you are conceived.  You soak up information and choose how to use it throughout your life.  As you age you begin to either continue to absorb or dry up.  Imagine absorbing throughout, being as curious, as accepting as a baby is.  How would you see the world differently if you believed it was a never-ending all-knowing school?  How would your life change?

xo

a

2013-05-24 20.23.20

Go Get It

Holla! What are you willing to do to get what you want?  Seriously?  Are you ready to stop making excuses and actually accomplish what you want to?  So many things start with the reasons why you cannot.  What if you shifted your focus on the reasons you could do something.  What is it you want to accomplish?  What dreams do you have?  We have a million reasons why we don't do what we are truly hankering to do.  

Some of the reasons/excuses are: 

Not enough time, not enough money, not enough support, don't know where to start, too busy, not good at what you want to do, family or friends think it is stupid, too many people doing it already, desire to have a certain outcome, afraid of seeming selfish, you don't know what you want and many more.  This list is in no way a complete one.  There are many, many more excuses that I am sure you can come up with.  Regardless of the nature of the reason/excuse there are no ones that actually can hold a candle to the truth.  The truth is, of course there is no reason you cannot succeed at your dreams.  You are absolutely capable of doing whatever you set your mind to and are willing to work for.  The issue is with your excuses and your actual desire to be somewhere you aren't yet.

When you want something bad enough you won't stop to get it.  When you want your dreams as much as you want food to eat when you are starving, warmth when you are freezing, air when you cannot breathe, or love when you are desperate and lonely, you will stop at nothing make them a reality.  You won't worry about whether you got enough sleep or if someone thinks you are selfish for pursuing your dreams.  You will stop saying you don't have enough time and will use the time you used to use making excuses to get closer to realizing your dreams.  When you are done with the reasons you cannot you will only have the reasons you can…When you want something else more than what you have in this moment, you are well on your way.

I have always wanted to write consistently.  When I graduated from college I promised myself that I would write regularly.  It took me over a decade and a half to make that happen, but it happened when I was done with not having that dream be a part of my life.  It doesn't matter if I want to get sleep, I want to write more.  It doesn't matter if I am missing seeing my friends, I have a dream that needs my attention and I will give it that until it grows into what I know it can be.  Nothing and no one will get in the way of my bringing my dreams into this world.  There is no reason good enough to stop me from being happy.  No excuse valid enough for me to abandon what I truly want for myself.  My dreams are not about pleasing or making others comfortable.  It is about me doing what I want and loving it.  That is pure love, that is happiness. 

So, what did you say you wanted?

world fingers

xo

a

Fear Not...

Howdy there, Fear.  It is so powerful.  It fills all the spaces that love lives.  Fear can motivate us to do amazing things.  It can push us to make changes, it can make us seem like we are risky and brave.  Fear can look a lot like love in some ways.  Fear can bring people together and keep them there.  Fear can create community and solidarity.  Fear can bring things to the surface, can make you feel. Fear is humbling, fear is petrifying, fear is undeniable, fear refuses to let go.  We all use it, have it, are consumed by it at some point or another in our lives.  It is also unexpected sometimes… it just appears and brings us to our knees.  

Fear is the great mask, the great mimic.  It keeps you from doing anything that you are unfamiliar with and we say it is about having stability.  It stops you from growing your relationships, challenging what may not be serving you or working for you presently and instead of recognizing this resistance to growth as fear, we say it is because we promised to love and cherish… Love doesn't fear and fear doesn't love.  Fear makes you believe you are coming from a place that is about safety and strength when it is truly about the lack of those two things.  True strength isn't concerned with the unknowing.  True strength is the confidence to know that whatever the outcome all will be well and all will be able to be handled.  True safety is knowing that this body you are housed in is temporary and, on the grand scheme of things, that we are always ok, divinely so.  

Check your motivations.  Find out the reasons behind your decisions.  Learn to tell the difference between love and fear.  Fear leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth.  Fear keeps you depleted.  Fear is exhausting.  When you are living with fear as your guide you don't have a lot to give.  When fear is the impetus you are may feel defeated, powerless, withdrawn, nervous, lonely, desperate, angry, aggressive, irritated, pushy, self-righteous, dominating and guarded.  Your heart will be closed to most everyone, you may either feel that you know everything or that you know nothing.  Fear is extreme, fear is wild and unbalanced.  Fear is often present in most aspects of most people's lives.  Even yours.  

When you let love take over you are lifted.  You have a viewpoint that allows you to see the 8 sides of the Great Pyramid, you are flying, you rise.  See if you can feel, know, love the difference.  

xo

a

Clarity of Death

Hiya, I am someone who is extremely directed.  I have a strong sense of knowing, always have.  If you were to look at my astrological chart it is obvious that this self-awareness is written in the stars.  I was born this way.  I don't have to effort my knowing, it just is.  Recently I have been in a place where I know something big is happening… something that I cannot get clear on and it has been absolutely jarring for me.  I have been efforting around figuring one thing out and it has taken up a lot of mental space.  Again, this is not usual.  I had been exhausted with the confusion I was feeling.  Then, my cat passed away. 

About 5.5 years ago I walked into PAWS and hung out in the kitten room.  There was this little gray ball of fur that was so striking.  Me, being someone who admits to her love of aesthetics, immediately was drawn to her beauty.  I picked her up and she seemed to be very comfortable in my hands.  I placed her in my lap where she got comfortable and fell asleep.  She stayed in my lap for about an hour.  During this time several people asked if I was planning on keeping her.  She stood out, she was adorable and pretty.  I let everyone know that she wasn't an orphan anymore.  I was told to pick her up the next day after I made the adoption official.  The next day she'd have nothing to do with me… she totally tricked my ass into falling in love and then, her work done, she could resume to being a little asshole that she always was, to me.  She was lovely to most everyone else.  

From that point forward she became my baby.  Then, she died.  She had a tendency to eat things that weren't food, like plastic bags… the kind that veggies are placed in or the ones they used to give before plastic bags were banned.  I tried my damnedest to keep them away from her.  She found ways, she had her ways.  She also ate dust bunnies and string… I always thought about her being the trainer's, who has never done drugs, secret addict child.  This addiction to eating stupid sh*t killed her.  She was a rebel… there are so many stories that I could tell… the main thing is, she was loved by many and loved me unconditionally, except when I moved the wrong way when she was sitting on my lap, then her love was conditional ;)  

Her passing gave me a clarity that I needed.  Death is an awakening for me.  It doesn't confuse or cause turmoil in that way for me.  On the contrary, it makes things laser sharp, super easy to see, and clears up muddy waters for me.  Losing Tabitha gave me courage and allowed me to work on sitting, confidently, in my insecurity of not knowing.  It opened me up to accepting love from everywhere in a way that I needed.  Her passing has been a big sign for me to risk a bit more.  Life is short, death is mandatory, live now.  It also reminded me to accept what I cannot change.  I cannot change this time of knowing I am not supposed to know a few things right now.  I have lived a charmed life in the way of knowing things for certain so easily and have forgotten how to wait for the great stuff.  And it is great, what I am waiting for.  And, during this waiting, I am shifting, growing, learning, and knowing other things about others and about myself.  

I am not who I was two months ago… this is truth. Sitting here in this space I am in is like going in super slow motion after moving as fast as a plant growing with time lapsed footage.  It can be challenging.  But it is what it is and I am busy, still growing, still becoming who I am every moment of every day.  Sometimes the not knowing is the gift.  The waiting is the lesson and the outcome is not the point.  I am ok with the work I am doing right now however and I am using the life of Tabbers as a guide to living life in general.  She was confident, irreverent, happy, and gorgeous all of the time.  So I am going to live how she did… sleep when and where I want, sit in the laps of my loved ones until they annoy me, eat when and how much I feel like, and play whenever the fancy hits me.  

Enjoy your days, for they are numbered.  

It is true people!

xo

a