It Was Never Forever

Hi there! I was in a car accident a couple of days ago, and, from what I can tell my car was totaled. My first response was to acknowledge that it was totaled and then let it go. There was no sadness, no grieving. There was curiosity around the accident because there were magical events that led up to, created and sustained it until my car was towed away. If I hadn't been in the car with someone else I may not have believed how everything happened. The most important part for me, and possibly for you, is that I didn't have to grieve. It was a loss that had already occurred. It occurred on one iteration of this world or another, many times over. It was never something that was forever and it played out for many reasons, the first of which was as a letting go drill. There are other reasons that I needed to experience this accident and they are revealed in the order that works for my brain and heart and being to understand.


Letting go is something that most of us have had a hard time doing at one point or another in our lives. I know that I have been in several relationship where letting go of them was like cutting off an arm, or at least it seemed like I put as much effort into debating ending it as I would cutting off my arm. We become attached energetically to people, places and things and it is just as real as being attached physically to those things. Energy is real, it is what all things are and when we are bound by it it can sometimes take great effort to come undone. But letting go is one of the most important things we will learn on this plane of existence besides loving with and without expectation.

I have, for most of my life, been in training for mastery of letting go. It is one aspect of what I am here in this body, during this time, called to do. I have let go on purpose, I have had things ripped from me and I have learned to simply not get attached. It is a peaceful movement through the world honestly. Knowing that all things will go means you don't have to concern yourself with the outcome and you are left to enjoy the moments you are in, when you are in them. It is possible to go the direction of worry if it is what you are used to and what is most comfortable, but you can choose to take the information of knowing that all things transform into other things (or end, as we like to say) and use that to detach from the desire to hold onto something that is fleeting. Even an orgasm would be unwanted if it was never ending.

One of the things that makes life so valuable is that it has an expiration date. The big issue is that we foolishly cling onto a sinking ship and hope it will float because we want it to so badly. Very little is done with making each moment that we are gifted something valuable honor the value of the thing. We abuse our bodies, our spaces, our people. We put negative and dirty energy into the world and expect it to sustain us. We ignore our spiritual gifts and wonder why so many are spiritually devoid. Let go of forever and start enjoying, appreciating and honoring today. The next time you are in an accident or have something pulled away from you it may not have the impact it once did. You may start to see the grand design, the master plan and laugh at the way it all works. It is possible and attainable now.

xo a

Ending and Beginning

Howdy, Relationships are so rich with so much information it is hard to know where to start when I begin writing about any aspect of them.  I mean, relationships are life after all and there is just so much life all around.  Then I remember that I say one phrase almost every day to someone, "no good relationship comes to an end."  In all honesty, it is what I want everyone to think about when they are either breaking up or in a relationship that is heading that direction.  Breaking up is painful on so many levels, but it doesn't have to be… I promise you.  Yes, you will lose what is familiar and what is comfortable.  Yes you will have to adjust to a new way of life without that relationship… but leaving something that wasn't good… well, that is awesome!  

Two people do not sit around and think how f*cking amazing their relationship is and then decide to break-up.  It isn't like anyone has said, "oh my goodness, I am just so happy and this is just so great I have to get away from it.  I cannot be in this great relationship any longer."  Umm, yeah, no.  If you are wanting out there is good reason.  At the same time, when you are wanting out and finally say so, that is a big deal.  Ending what you initially wanted to last forever (most people don't get in a relationship and look forward to the ending before anything is not working) says you have given it some thought, lots of thought, and you have decided that it isn't what you want.

I feel that people's desires need to be respected.  I have been dumped plenty of times, thank goodness.  I, at no point, imagine that someone should hang onto me because of anything other than their desire to.  When that wanes I would prefer for them to let me go.  I don't desire anyone "sticking it out" with me for the sake of my awesomeness… seriously.  I want mutual joy, love, and respect.  The issue is, for most of us, we get used to our relationships being sh*tty.  We dream of something that isn't, the future, and we ignore the messed up present.  We put all of our stock in things working out when the moment you are in it isn't.  Relationships aren't always ecstasy bringing, but you need to be happy and not hoping for change in order to truly sustain one.  

Do you want your relationship to end in a blaze of hell fire?  Well, be someone you aren't, never speak your mind, never ask the hard questions of your partner, stop having sex, stop taking care of yourself (or never start), imagine you are too good to be left, think that your partner needs you too much to let you go, put your hopes and dreams away somewhere and pretend like they don't exist.  

Do you want your relationship to survive?  Well, don't most of us… the best thing to do is to be honest with yourself and then with your partner.  Tell them the truth of who you are and what you can an cannot hold.  Be authentic and stay present.  This is all a journey and it takes twists and turns… some are fun and some are not.  They all can be learning experiences and survivable.

For anyone going through a breakup I send love and peace and strength.  This is not bad, it is necessary… you will love again.




My Birthday My Way

Howdy, My birthday is coming up and I am going to do whatever it is that I want to.  This is normal for me and what I suggest for everyone else.  I will start at the beginning so that it all makes sense…  I was born on May 30th, 1974 at 5:30 am.  I was almost injured during delivery.  I was born on my back looking out… as she pushed my neck was bent more and more until the doctor's realized something was wrong.  Forceps were used to straighten my head out and one bruise on the left side of my head from that incident remains to this day.  The right bruise disappeared around the age of 14.  I was named Aina for this reason, among others.  In Yoruba my name means delivery had complications.  Complications indeed, my neck was almost broken and my parents had ended their relationship in dramatic fashion before I was born.

Each year, after my birth my mother would wake me at the time I was born, 5:30am on 5/30 and wish me a happy birthday.  She sometimes would go over the birth or how she named me.  It was a little ritual that I loved.  She would also ask me what kind of cake I wanted, once I was old enough to tell her.  So each year I would have a marble cake for my birthday.  

Fast forward into my mid-twenties.  I was having a rough time, engaged to be married (yes, the rough time when you are engaged is information, no?), starting a new career and just simply unhappy in some ways.  On that birthday that year I received no phone call.  Now, she hadn't been consistent in calling and there had been time where we weren't speaking actually… I moved out at 16 initially so it wasn't a rosy situation at all.  There was a need, that year, on my part to feel focused on, cared about.  I remember deciding, after being so disappointed, that I would never be sad on my birthday again.

Skip to present day.  I have about two and a half weeks before I am 39.  I plan on doing, as I have for over 10 years, whatever it is that I want to do.  I generally don't include anyone in on my day.  I have no desire to be with others, usually, because they might want something, or ask me questions I don't want to answer.  Catering to even the smallest need that isn't my own on my birthday is a no go.  Sometimes I travel (got that from my father who I have never seen on his birthday, he is ALWAYS in another country) and sometimes I sit my ass in front of the TV after a long run, and eat and chill and take a day of respite.  My doing what I want usually  confuses others.  They want to know stuff… which is why I tend to be on my own on that day.  Most of us don't know what it is like to literally care just for yourselves, not taking anyone else into consideration.  I will give you a scoop, it is a BLAST!  You become the center of your universe and disappointment is nowhere to be found.  You know that you are the one who is responsible for your happiness so you see to it… or at least I do.  

It is my day to make things uncomplicated, simple, unlike my delivery.  

What do you do for your birthday?  How would focusing solely on yourself change how you felt about birthdays over all???

Happy Birthday to you whenever it is…



Miles To Go...

Hiya, On this day seven years ago I had been living in Seattle for 9 days.  My girlfriend and I had just moved from New York and were awaiting my sister and nephew's arrival.  They lived in Arizona and were relocating to Seattle so that we could build our empire.  We weren't totally sure what the empire would be but we were going to do it together.  On this day seven years ago my nephew passed away.  He drowned.  It was and it one of the most significant moments in my life.  Sarah and I were running with the Seattle Running Company Run Group and upon our return I had a voicemail message.  It is so funny how different phones are now. Seven years seems like an eternity for electronics and their development.  But I digress… I had three voicemails actually and knew that something was amiss.  I just had this feeling.  I assumed that the tragedy that was seemingly imminent involved an older family member… not my 8-year-old baby.  


In the seven years since my family has been up and down in their grief… I have made decisions that were clouded by the urge to live after a death that was so intense and paralyzed by the fear of having to repeat any part of that experience.  In the past seven years I have grown beyond any plan I could have had for myself.  I feel lucky to have been in Seattle during this time.  It is a spiritually open place and for that I am grateful.  I appreciate this day each year, it always has more to show and share.

Last year, on the sixth anniversary of his death I asked my friend and client Psychic Medium David Zarza to give my sister a reading in the hopes that we would connect with Miles.  At that time the past six years had been like a slow-growing cancer for us.  Our relationship had been strained.  I felt and still do, that watching my sister die over her loss was far worse than my nephew's drowning.  I have a view of life and death that is neither sad nor tragic… I do feel stronger about not embracing the moment than what is to be expected if you are among the living: death.  So seeing my sister deteriorate, blame, be helpless, in my eyes, was beyond painful.  I still struggle with a way to describe how difficult it was for me.  I will keep trying… the words are in me, the feelings are still present.   

During the reading Miles came through.  He discussed his death, what he saw and felt and that there was no mistake in any of it.  All was as it was meant to be.  He had a little message for me but ultimately the message was of profound love and gratitude for his mother.  She had never left him, even after his passing.  It was and still is amazing to me, what she did.  My sister gave up half of herself to keep him safe even when his body was no longer necessary, even when he was on another plane.  Just because your child dies doesn't mean you are no longer a mother.  The reading opened up a new chapter in our lives and this past year has seen growth and movement towards love in a better way.  Healing is happening.

So, on this day, a year later, I want to send love to Miles, my sister and everyone who has ever lost anyone, will lose anyone or feels lost themselves.  You are where you are supposed to be… this thing, life, is one heck of a ride.  You are here so you are ready.  Take nothing for granted and nothing too serious.  This is all temporary… all of it.  Nothing stays and nothing needs to.  Enjoy the beauty of the impermanence of all… that fleetingness is what makes things so invaluable.   



ps If you would like to read about the reading my sister and I had with David Zarza his book When Spirits Call is about to be released soon.  You can read the details of the reading (as well as other readings he has done) and how, a few months later, we were affected by it.  



Hiya, So you are going along and everything seems ok and then, WHAM, someone or something comes into your world and then everything changes.  You have feelings you've never experienced, you do things you never thought you would, you are spinning, spinning… and then you figure out some way around it, some way to either live it, leave it or make it normal.  It happens all of the time with love.  You fall in love, you go nutso feeling and doing things that you never had before, feeling like you are invincible and then, after some time it becomes your normal.  The funny thing is that we tend to forget that we don't know all of ourselves in the least.  It is a bit like goldfish memory (though that theory has been disproven, goldfish do remember things so those small tanks are torture), we actually think that we know how we would or wouldn't behave, even after surprising ourselves on a regular basis.  I mean really, at some point in your life you have done something you never thought you would and you have made it a part of your existence.

Throughout our day we talk to ourselves constantly.  There is almost always a dialogue that is going on in that head of yours.  Now, what are the voices saying?  Well, they comment on this or that and judge that and this and decide that they know.  That is one of the most important things those voices do for you, they tell you what is.  Honestly, the voices are working against you most of the time.  They cause a lot of confusion, drama, stress and fear.  They tend to tell you that something is one way or another and you tend to believe those voices.  Think about this seriously:  what have your voices told you and been right about; wrong about?  I would say that they are wrong most of the time because they like to operate on fear.  Even though the percentage of correct decisions/observations the voices make is low, we still consult those voices.  It is a partnership that doesn't seem sound.  Rarely are the voices ones of curiosity… rarely do we remind ourselves that anything could happen and after it does we might actually like it and want to continue experiencing what we once thought was unappealing, unsavory or beneath us.

What if the voices grew quieter or we didn't pay them attention or we reminded us of what was actually happening instead of what could?  What if you were open to the possibilities in life, you were aware that you didn't know what you would do in a situation you had never been in?  What if you decided right now, that you are in progress, you are in a place of discovery and will be the rest of your life?  What if you allowed yourself to be the growing and changing being that you are?  What if you helped the voices tell you what would allow you to be at ease most of the time and open otherwise?  You can, it is doable.  Now, even when you work on those voices serving you, surprises will still happen.  They won't shake your world the same way because you will be open to them, you will have known that anything can and will happen.  It isn't hard, in theory, to train those voices… it takes time, desire and unrelenting discipline.

You are going to expand.  You are going to incorporate more into your world than what is currently in it now.  You will change, you will grow.  Love will do it to you, life will do it to you, be open and enjoy. 

Growing, growing, growing... - It's Oh So Quiet - Bjork :)



It Is As It Should Be

Howdy! Would you consider yourself someone who pays attention?  Are you picking up on the things that are happening all around you?  Do you see patterns in events in your life or do you believe that there are coincidences and that nothing really follows any order???  :)  What if everything did happen on purpose.  How would you change your worldview (do you have a worldview)?  What if there were no mistakes in the way we view mistakes, "things that just shouldn't fucking happen."  What if you took that idea, that certain things shouldn't happen, and turned it around to ask, "why did this happen?"  How would that change you?  How would you see things differently?  

When you stop denying reality you are faced with it.  When you stop trying to not see you begin to SEE.  You can then be a part of the grand orchestra in a way that you can't if you are choosing to believe that their isn't one because of your view being so narrow. When you look at this life as a part of the whole you can begin to see that each and every movement, no matter how insignificant seeming, plays a role in the sound that the universe is making.  You are a part of this orchestra whether you can hear it or not… and everything that happens within you is a note that joins everyone else to make a melody and finally the Grandest of Symphonies.  

The symphony is infinite.  The reasons for things are multifaceted.  The music is subtle until you open up to it.  Paying attention to how things come together or, as it may be, fall apart, is important if you want to see a larger section of existence than your own.  When you begin to embrace the purposefulness of life you begin to move towards the life that is your highest ideal.  Life begins to work for you and support you in a way that is more obvious than ever before.  From the big things to the small things.  Everything from wishing you could buy a juicer on sale and then finding out 2 hours later that Macy's is having a sale on the very juicer you want at over 50%… then being pushed to get there that night, though you have had the busiest fucking day ever, with 10 minutes to spare before they closed, only to find out the sale was only for 1 day and you made it by 10 minutes...  To being dumped by someone who you thought was the rest of your life and then finding the rest of your life because of it.  Knowing that a series of events is actually a string.  These events are connected and not random.  

When you deny reality or decide it shouldn't be what it is you miss so much of the various movements of the symphony and things seem random and unfair.  If I had decided that the sale was too good to be true, or ignored the internal urging to get to the store no matter what or assumed that Macy's closed at 9 like everywhere else instead of checking to see then finding out it closes at 10, I would have missed this opportunity.  Or, if I had decided that buying a juicer was insignificant and not connected to anything, I would have missed the point.  The point is encouragement.  The point is support.  The point is that the juicer awesomeness is an example of the kismet that is everywhere.  Patterns exist so you can see the bigger picture.  So you can see the connectedness to something more and to encourage you to be open to whatever may be on the horizon.  

The universe is always encouraging or discouraging.  Depends on what it is we are doing and how that lines up with our soul's plan.  When something seems to come easy, that is encouragement.  When it is like being struck by lightning, twice in the same spot, well that might be discouragement… and it is truly up to you to figure this out.  No one else.  When you choose to deny the very things the universe is giving you, showing you, bringing to you or taking away you are demonstrating an exercise in futility.  You will have to deal with it until you can no longer ignore the music that you are not only a part of but you are playing.

If you are denying what is, how is that working for you?  If you are accepting what is, how is that working for you?  Either way it is what it is.