communication

Tell Them

Hello sweets! Trust is something that we need more of when it comes to one another.  I don't mean leaving your kids with any and everyone… I mean trusting in each other's ability to be ok with what is.  Most people aren't broken souls who cannot function when told something difficult.  We behave like everyone is one step away from suicide and telling someone something that isn't yummy will push them over the edge.  Get a grip people.  Very few (if any) people are going to crumble when told something that is true for you.  Often it is the lies, keeping secrets and being indirect that cause more harm than good for everyone involved.  Letting someone know what is actually happening for you can be a big relief for them, especially when you understand, and communicate, that your feelings and perceptions are just that, yours.  When blame ends and truth begins, life is a lot less burdensome.

Women have this tendency more than men, I believe… and maybe I am just biased because I am a woman, but women like to be nice when really I believe they are just trying to please everyone and deny themselves (not consciously).  It is a deep lack of self-worth that women are taught to have which translates into behaving in ways that aren't authentic.  For many women, and men, it isn't enough to exist, you have to please and nurture and appease.  I understand the desire to want to be loved by all… I also understand that it isn't possible.  When you need to tell someone something, especially a boundary, you need to just say it.  Boundaries need to be communicated.  Loving yourself means making sure you are safe, taken care of, heard, treated well.  Bending over backwards, lying, not communicating your truth… there is NOTHING loving about that.  Not saying what you mean is deceitful actually, not kind.  When you give someone the respect and responsibility of being a grown-up you are actually being loving.  You are saying that you trust that they will be able to handle and hold this information.  You trust that they are capable and your equal.

Focus on Communication

When we, when receiving news that isn't what we would prefer to hear, manipulate (even if you don't realize you are, you are) one another by saying that the person speaking their truth is being mean, or hurting us we are actually regressing.  Stop blaming someone's words for your feelings.  Your feelings originate with your ideas of yourself and the world.  Stop trying to get someone to stop speaking their truth and stop taking the feelings of another personally.  Just because it is hard to hear doesn't make it 1) true or 2) have anything really to do with you.  What it does mean is that you have a chance to hear and honor what is happening for someone else.  You have a chance to respect a boundary, move on, learn, grow, etc.  I call listening and holding space for someone a "free throw."  It is a chance to be told exactly what to do to bring a smile to someone's face.  If what you want is to love, then respect is number one.

So just to be clear:  when someone likes you and you don't like them tell them… clearly.  If you say that you really like them and you like hanging out that isn't CLEAR.  Say directly that I don't like you romantically, sexually, intimately.  Period.  Be sure they get it.  If your Doctor sucks, tell them why you are choosing another physician; this gives them a chance to grow, change, or just know why they are losing patients.  Give each other a chance to grow by being grown yourself.

All of the above is said with love :-)

xo

a

How I Feel

emotions

 

Hiya,

Your feelings matter.  They do.  I mean this wholeheartedly.  Now understand that I am not saying that anyone is to blame for your feelings, on the contrary… your feelings are all about you.  They are about where you are, what you want, what you haven't gotten, what you expect, how you see the world and how you filter information that comes in.  Because of all of these facts your feelings truly do matter.  They are your language, your way of interpreting things that you are perceiving.  They are also a way for you to create what you believe in.  Our feelings are our magic wands and we would all do better to look at them as the information givers they are.  You are a creator, you are a meaning maker, you are a magician and your feelings are your tools.  

What happens when you deny what you feel?  What happens when you tell someone else to deny what they feel?  Invalidation is damaging no matter the direction from which we receive it.  Whether someone else is telling us our feelings aren't valid or we are discounting what we feel because there are children starving in a 3rd world country.  Saying that one person's feelings aren't valid because someone else is in pain somewhere far away isn't helping either person.  Pain isn't about comparison, feelings aren't meant to be in a contest yet we do this to ourselves and one another on a regular basis.  We make fun of someone complaining about their car being damaged by telling them that they are having first world problems…  Well how in the hell are they going to have 3rd world problems if they aren't living in a 3rd world?  Should they only be upset when they find themselves starving with flies landing on their face?  Is that the point, to shame one another for being where we are?  What the hell people, there has to be a better way to help others gain perspective that isn't a put down.  

Why don't you stop and remember what if feels like to be told that your feelings don't matter.  I bet you that a large number of criminals felt small, powerless and invalidated at some point (or at most points) in their lives.  It is a dangerous and violent thing that we do when we tell someone that they don't matter.  That is what we do when we invalidate one another.  Instead of feeling our feelings and recognizing them as momentary, not as big as we may believe and getting out of them what they are meaning to show us we are pushed to either defending or denying them.  It is exhausting when you think about it.  Instead of having space held for us we suck the life out of one another and expect each other to breathe like nothing happened.  Honestly, how many times have you belittled someone for feeling a way you thought was insignificant?  

My motto is "suck it up" and I mean it.  That doesn't mean I want you to ignore or deny your feelings.  I want there to be a healthy detachment from programmed meaning of our feelings.  Instead of thinking that feeling tired means giving up I want being tired to remind you that you are on the right track… and I want you to remember the feeling of pushing through the fatigue to a new world.  Feelings are like messages in a language that isn't native but it necessary and filled with wonder.  Look at what you feel in a way that allows you to maintain perspective.  Are you dying?  No, ok, then does it serve you to behave in a way that makes it seem like things are that dire?  We can choose our response to our feelings… that is when you begin to come into your own power. 

Once you are able to see your feelings (by first owning, admitting and never denying them) as tools you will be more curious to dig into them deeper than before.  Feelings are truly our gifts.  Feelings are our creative power.  Feelings are the beginning of all things.  Let's begin to feel them fully to create a more purposeful and fulfilled life for ourselves and support others on their journey to do the same.  

xo

a

Use Your Words

Words Hi there,

One of the most important things you can do for someone is believe them.  You can believe that they mean what they say.  You can hold them to their word.  You can stop trying to read their mind.  Communication of your needs is something you begin to learn at a very young age.  You learn how to say what you want first by crying.  You cry and your parents try to figure out if it is food or holding or something else that you need.  When you learn how to speak you begin the journey of speaking your wants and needs.  This is not always an easy or well designed journey.  Depending on your environment and your parents' ability to guide you through this process, you may or may not truly learn how to say what you want, need or think.  For some you may never be validated in your wants or needs so you stop wanting out loud.  For others, your every move may be attended to, so you don't learn how to ask and instead you learn to expect.  Most people don't learn that they are in charge of getting their needs met by communicating them clearly because of how they learned communication as a child.  We all have carried our learned communication styles into adulthood.

So now you are grown.  You need this or that and from what you have learned, those needs are meant to be met by someone else.  You have learned to say the opposite of what you mean, not what you mean at all, or nothing and hope that someone figures it out.  You may not ever say out loud that you want your mind read, but your behavior around not getting what you want says just that.  You expect someone to understand your needs without you ever stating what they are.  You are basically asking everyone else to do your work for you.  Your desire is for someone, besides you, to figure you out.  You want to be treated like a child without language in one way and, when you do state your needs, however indirect, you would like to be understood.  

Use your words.  Stop expecting.  It isn't nice.  Stop saying what you don't mean and being upset when your words aren't interpreted correctly.  Stop being an infant when it comes to communication.  Stop crying when you really need to state what is happening.  You are an adult.  You have the ability to read a book, seek therapy, figure your stuff out.  The truth of the matter is, that is your job:  YOU.  Making sure your needs are met is your basic job description.  Communicating those to others well, is learned but par for the course as well.  You are capable, no matter how traumatic your upbringing.  You are worthy, no matter how few people cared about you as a child.  It is possible to take responsibility for yourself regardless of your age.  

Additionally, stop doing things for others without them asking for it.  Though it seems sweet, it is actually pretty detrimental to their development.  Asking each of the people in your life to communicate their needs, and then holding them to that, is the most amazingly freeing thing… Now, there will be push back.  There will be those who refuse and some who leave.  Communication is everything.  How you communicate determines the types of relationships you have.  Changing it changes the relationships.  However, once you begin to say what you want, need and think you are going to want to be around others who do the same.  Doing your own work makes doing the work of others less appealing.  

When you begin to take responsibility for yourself you will desire the same in others.  It starts with you.  Now, imagine that world, where we all said what we meant, meant what we said, and didn't want our minds read?  Imagine the lack of misunderstanding, the clarity of needs being stated and the opportunities to meet those said needs.  When you use your words you get us all closer to this.

xo

a