Clarity of Death
Hiya, I am someone who is extremely directed. I have a strong sense of knowing, always have. If you were to look at my astrological chart it is obvious that this self-awareness is written in the stars. I was born this way. I don't have to effort my knowing, it just is. Recently I have been in a place where I know something big is happening… something that I cannot get clear on and it has been absolutely jarring for me. I have been efforting around figuring one thing out and it has taken up a lot of mental space. Again, this is not usual. I had been exhausted with the confusion I was feeling. Then, my cat passed away.
About 5.5 years ago I walked into PAWS and hung out in the kitten room. There was this little gray ball of fur that was so striking. Me, being someone who admits to her love of aesthetics, immediately was drawn to her beauty. I picked her up and she seemed to be very comfortable in my hands. I placed her in my lap where she got comfortable and fell asleep. She stayed in my lap for about an hour. During this time several people asked if I was planning on keeping her. She stood out, she was adorable and pretty. I let everyone know that she wasn't an orphan anymore. I was told to pick her up the next day after I made the adoption official. The next day she'd have nothing to do with me… she totally tricked my ass into falling in love and then, her work done, she could resume to being a little asshole that she always was, to me. She was lovely to most everyone else.
From that point forward she became my baby. Then, she died. She had a tendency to eat things that weren't food, like plastic bags… the kind that veggies are placed in or the ones they used to give before plastic bags were banned. I tried my damnedest to keep them away from her. She found ways, she had her ways. She also ate dust bunnies and string… I always thought about her being the trainer's, who has never done drugs, secret addict child. This addiction to eating stupid sh*t killed her. She was a rebel… there are so many stories that I could tell… the main thing is, she was loved by many and loved me unconditionally, except when I moved the wrong way when she was sitting on my lap, then her love was conditional ;)
Her passing gave me a clarity that I needed. Death is an awakening for me. It doesn't confuse or cause turmoil in that way for me. On the contrary, it makes things laser sharp, super easy to see, and clears up muddy waters for me. Losing Tabitha gave me courage and allowed me to work on sitting, confidently, in my insecurity of not knowing. It opened me up to accepting love from everywhere in a way that I needed. Her passing has been a big sign for me to risk a bit more. Life is short, death is mandatory, live now. It also reminded me to accept what I cannot change. I cannot change this time of knowing I am not supposed to know a few things right now. I have lived a charmed life in the way of knowing things for certain so easily and have forgotten how to wait for the great stuff. And it is great, what I am waiting for. And, during this waiting, I am shifting, growing, learning, and knowing other things about others and about myself.
I am not who I was two months ago… this is truth. Sitting here in this space I am in is like going in super slow motion after moving as fast as a plant growing with time lapsed footage. It can be challenging. But it is what it is and I am busy, still growing, still becoming who I am every moment of every day. Sometimes the not knowing is the gift. The waiting is the lesson and the outcome is not the point. I am ok with the work I am doing right now however and I am using the life of Tabbers as a guide to living life in general. She was confident, irreverent, happy, and gorgeous all of the time. So I am going to live how she did… sleep when and where I want, sit in the laps of my loved ones until they annoy me, eat when and how much I feel like, and play whenever the fancy hits me.
Enjoy your days, for they are numbered.
It is true people!
xo
a