changing

Let Them Be

Hiya, I know many, many couples and have been in plenty myself.  One thing that is just truth throughout any relationship is the desire for one partner or both to want someone different from who they are with.  No matter how hard you try you will not change anyone.  You can hope and wish and try and berate and ask and pray and beg and prod and threaten and sweet talk and do much more… if the person you are trying to change wants nothing of the sort, you would do better to wish for the sun to blow up and life to continue than to get someone to do something that they don't feel in their soul and have it truly become a part of them.  So many of us begin relationships thinking that our partners will change for the better and in the direction we prefer.  Most of the time our partners want the same things, to get along, to be  nothing but  happen, but often there is little to no work involved and just wishing things were different.

It is hard to tell your partner that you don't like them as they are, so we find ways to do so without ever speaking the truth.  We tell them that they are wrong, that no one else does what they do, that they would be happier if they did a, b, c or d.  We give them ultimatums.  We try to show them our side in hopes that it is enticing enough for them to join us there.  We spend a lot of time not seeing the other person and ignoring what we do see.  We place an idea on someone and expect them to live up to it because it is so much better than their current reality, to us.  We then get very upset when the person we are with never fits into the image we have for the perfect mate.  We somehow feel like they haven't tried… because they haven't morphed into something that wasn't their choosing.

So what if when you met someone you accepted that they were showing up and this was the best they had to give in the moment.  What if you didn't get them to do anything differently or even ask when it wasn't about how you preferred being treated.  What if you just let them navigate their love life and their relationships, including what they wanted with you?  What if you put the energy you would normally put into getting them to be something you would like working on yourself in some way?  What if you actually saw the person for who they were in this moment instead of who they might possibly become (with lots of work and hand-holding and back sliding)?  You may find that resentment goes away on both sides.  You might find that you enjoy the person right now without needing anything to change or you might see that you aren't compatible and find someone who is.

You will always have more success working on yourself than you would working on someone else.  You can hope and wish and pray and beg but you will soon discover that we are who we choose to be, not who someone else makes us.  Try to see, understand and love where people are in their lives.  Try to connect with the person they are now and let the rest take care of itself.  If someone isn't working toward moving closer to you and meeting you half-way, no amount of pressure is going to get them to do it from their own heart.  If you are feeling like the person you are with needs a lot of 'fixing' maybe it is you that needs it too, so you don't choose partners who aren't ready or compatible to you.  There are a lot of people in the world, billions, if one doesn't fit, I promise you, there are many many more to choose from that don't need your magic to turn into prince or princess charming.

xo

a

relationship

The Way You Are

Hey there, I love my life.  Absolutely love it.  I have freedom and space and the luxury of not having anyone try to manage me.  It is a blessing.  The truth is that everyone can have that, whether or not they are in a relationship.  Too often we let our ideas of what relationship is or what the other person wants modify our behavior… until one day we feel resentful and frustrated about giving up things we were 1) never asked to give up and 2) didn't realize actually fulfilled and brought joy to us.  

Partnerships are interesting and necessary in a multitude of ways for a multitude of things.  The first is simple, we need help.  I have moved and lived in over 27 places.  95% of the time I moved myself… like couches and dressers and everything.  I would actually throw a couch on my back and carry it to the truck once I maneuvered it out of my house.  Being in a relationship can be a benefit when it comes to that type of sh*t among other things. :)  We also need to have ourselves reflected back for growth purposes.  Relationships are the only tool that help you grow.  You are perfect alone, with no one to show you who you are, how you are and where you are in comparison.  In relationship you find the areas that are triggered which give you a clear path of what needs your attention and work.  Partnerships are also fun, or can be.  Joy is an important part of a fulfilled life. 

What happens often is partnership becomes ownership.  We begin to tell the person when to go to bed.  What to wear.  How to feel: "Oh honey, don't feel that way about it.", when to do this or that… we also then imagine how our partners would feel about a, b or c situation so we avoid what we may want or otherwise be super excited about.  The above is a bit dangerous without background communication, like having a conversation about bed times and what is important for each individually.  The same holds true for clothes and living in different places… you must have the conversations about all of it before you assume you know.

What is more dangerous for our own mental and emotional health and well-being is all of the things we do because we think we should for the person or the relationship.  When your partner doesn't like the genre of TV show… you take their dislike as a demand and you stop watching.  When your partner says not to talk to them about something that is spiritual so you just abandon that side of yourself.  When you begin to think about what would be ok for your partner and, without asking, you change just in case.  This is why I am super psyched to be single, in actuality.  I have no desire to play this game again… and at the same time, I know it is a beautiful dance that must be practiced.  

"Don't go changin' to try and please me…" is more than just a song.  It is the roadmap to a happy relationship.  You have to do you, find out what you love, what you enjoy.  Own it and be its support.  Make sure you let the one you love know who the hell you are.  Make sure you allow someone to love you just the way you are, all of you.  Stop bending to please, stretching to connect, dying to be something you aren't.  Yes, relationships have compromise… but you must have a side, something of your own, to compromise… not just a blank slate saying write me into existence.  You exist, you are a spark a light and you need to shine, you need to be supported not dimmed.  Let relationship enhance instead of decrease your vitality.  Let love magnify you… make you bigger than you are alone.

Love, the ultimate creator wants you to be who you are, without reservation, without judgment or shame right now.  Not next year, not in a while.  Get on that, ok.

xo

a

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