focus

Look at ME!

Howdy! I have said that the only difference between me and someone else when it comes to wanting attention is that I demand it and am not ashamed that I want the floor and your undivided attention.  Other people act like they don't want attention and instead they manipulate and usurp the spotlight on a regular basis.  When you admit that you want attention you are better able to give it to others.  You don't feel cheated out of it, you don't feel resentment towards those you give to and get nothing or close to nothing in return.  When you own your needs, they are more likely to get met.

When you let someone know that you are upset with them and they immediately get upset what do you do?  It seems like a normal response to a conflict, right?  Well, on better examination the person that was originally upset is now faced with be upset and alone (because their partner/friend was not able to hold space and comfort them, even just listen) or they can comfort the partner that they were upset with originally.  Crying, getting hurt, being angry and openly displeased when someone you love tells you that they aren't happy with something that involves you puts the focus on you and your feelings instead of the partner that was upset originally.  Most people aren't doing this on purpose.  Most people who don't hold space don't realize that they don't hold space…and they believe that they have the right to be upset whenever they are upset.  I agree, but there is a time and a place for everything and, depending on what they are going for, manipulating a situation isn't they kind of attention that serves either person.

When you admit that you want attention you are able to ask for it in a way that allows you to receive it.  You can ask your friend/partner to listen and to hold space.  You can ask to be focused on directly instead of indirectly diverting attention to yourself. You can give attention and shut off your need because it is being acknowledged as existing and is now out of the shadows.  Acknowledging what you need, who you are, what is happening for you is the only way to begin to keep, change, or let go of what you want to.  Once you have come to understand that you too need to be focused on, you can relate to others in that way.  We all need to be the center of attention sometimes.  When we allow ourselves to get the attention we need without stealing the spotlight from someone else we are better able to allow others to do the same.  If you have trouble holding space or are someone who claims to not need attention, check to see where you are getting it without asking for it… and possibly what relationship is suffering because of that denial.

Thank you for your attention.

xo

a

You Thought It, You Brought It or On Scarcity - Part II

Hello! Years ago when I worked for Rutgers University as the Assistant Women's Rowing Coach I had a roommate.  She was an Academic Athletic Advisor.  One of her sports was actually rowing which made it easy to get work done since we shared a living space as well as needed to consult at work.  Inga was getting over a pretty significant relationship when I met her and was far from recovered.  Living and working together made us fast friends and able to speak on highly personal matters quickly.  She told me about her ex on a daily basis.  Aubrey was mormon and had been disowned by her family in Utah when she fell in love with Inga.  They had driven out to NJ where Aubrey, realizing the gravity of having no family and that she wasn't ready for the commitment the relationship would need, left her to go home to Salt Lake and work on reconnecting with her family.  Inga had become basically despondent outside of work and felt utterly alone.  Aubrey was all she could think about.

We moved into a new place, after subletting for a short time in order to really get a handle on where we wanted to live, and one of the first things Inga noticed was the name of the appliances in the kitchen: Aubrey.  She cursed and mentioned something about it being just her luck.  I thought it was pretty interesting that the very person she wanted to work on forgetting wouldn't go away in her own mind and in her own kitchen.

A few months after we had settled in I began dating someone new.  I was pretty excited because I just knew that this was a significant relationship in my life.  Now, up until I met Inga I had actually never known anyone named Aubrey.  Shortly after meeting her I learned of her ex and that there were appliances by that name.  Then came my Aubrey.  We began dating and I kept it under wraps from Inga wondering how she would take having to hear and say that name once again.  Inga handled the news with a similar curse as the one after the appliance discovery and then got over it with grace.  After Aub and I ended our relationship I discovered the shampoo of the same name. :)  It is actually really good stuff that my sister uses regularly, FYI.

It is the case that what you focus on comes up in your life, period.  Have you ever seen a friend's new car only to now see that car everywhere?  Was it there before?  Are you now noticing it because it has been pointed out?  It may be a bit of both, but it most certainly takes attention to bring it into your world.  What if your focus was directed instead of haphazard?  What if you set an intention instead of allowed your mind to be molded by what we hear and see on TV, radio, newspapers, magazines, etc.?  What is it that you would like to see?  Where is your focus?  If you want to know what you believe and think about regularly, look at your life.  If you believe that there isn't enough of something or that we are all doomed, then doom is what you will see and inevitably create.  If you would like to see the abundance of love in the world, not only will you see it, you will be it as well.

We have the power to bring into existence what we love yet we continue to bring into the world what we fear.  We create scarcity by believing that there isn't enough.  We create lack of love by believing we are alone and disconnected.  We create hate by breeding it within.  In order to live in a loving, supportive, abundant place we have to believe, despite outward appearances, that this place already exists and see it no matter what.  We have to refuse to buy into what we outwardly 'see' and 'believe' to be true.  Change your mind and your reality changes.  Change your view to something new.

xo

a