Howdy, "Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain." ~Robert Gray Lee
We all get hurt. Nothing that freaks us out, hurts our feelings or brings up a feeling of being overwhelmed stems from this moment. We are all replaying and reusing old pain when new pain arises. You may feel abandoned by a friend at some point, regardless of whether or not the friend actually abandoned you. What that fried may have done is helped you recall the feeling of abandonment. You feelings of abandonment are not rooted in the present moment. Something somewhere happened and you are now vigilant about finding the things that you have been hurt by in the past, in order to not feel them in the future. You can always tell when the feeling is from the past. You tell this because you recognize it. It is familiar.
We don't mean to tell someone that they did something. We just don't ever get the tools to really say what is happening for us. In some ways we may actually feel like the person is actually doing something to us because of how attached our response is to their behavior. What hurts us the most is what we tend to look for the most. We put energy into it and feel justified on doing so when we tend to find what hurt us everywhere we look. We believe we find it because it is there. The truth is that it is there because we look for it.
Taking the blame out of your pain is a big deal. Knowing that what pains you stems from past experiences can, if you are able to in the moment, de-escalate the interaction by taking ownership of your issue… by knowing the root as well. You don't have to know where it cam from to know that it didn't start today. No one is experiencing trauma (regardless of the kind) for the first time at the age of 30. You are in the middle of being triggered by a situation that reminds you of previous times. This can be frustrating at times and unpleasant for the one who does the triggering… but it doesn't have to be all for naught.
When you are in a relationship/friendship or what-have-you, you are working towards a deeper understanding of yourself. Through others you will see yourself. All you need to do is look. Being triggered allows you to face some past hurts that have yet to be resolved. In actuality being triggered is a blessing if your goals are to know who you are and where you came from. Being triggered allows you to put some closure on the past. If it isn't happening right now then you are ok and when it is happening right now you are managing it because that is what we all do. We are fine, we are strong, we are able even when we are not.
"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." ~Khalil Gibran