honesty

What's Good???

Good morning! It is Tuesday!!  :)  Gratitude breeds more gratitude… isn't that awesome?   This only  takes a few moments to do but gives to you for much, much longer.  So put down whatever you are doing and take a couple of minutes for yourself.  Every Tuesday morning I am going to ask you to write down 5 things that you are grateful for and email them to me (keep for yourself as well).  What are you feeling gratitude around?  Here are mine for this week:

Direct Communication (not sandwiching stuff).

Tiger Balm.

My Suunto.

Books.

Someecards.  

There are no right or wrong answers.  It is about what you are grateful for.   It is proven that doing this once a week for three months (actually just 9 weeks) makes you happier, healthier, exercise more and less sensitive to perceived slights.  You will sweat the small stuff less and focus on what really matters.

So… what are you waiting for???

Food for thought:

Authenticity requires integrity and the ability to never pretend you are someone that you aren not.  When you pretend to be someone you aren't you waste the person that you are.  You don't allow that person a chance to shine, be loved, adored, admired, befriended and to improve.  When you decide that you aren't enough you will never have enough love, adoration, admiration or improvement.  You will feel like something is missing and you will constantly look for it, outside yourself in someone else.  That is the danger of trying to push yourself down, shove your truth away, deny who you are.  Not everyone will love you, not everyone will want to be with you, but at least, being authentic, you will know the ones that are around are meeting (and loving) you where you are.  Are there areas you aren't showing to others because you are afraid of what they would think?  Are you ashamed of yourself in some way?  Take that information, own the shame, own the shadows and begin to heal and, finally, to be loved.

xo

a      

I Want You Now

Howdy! I was recently discussing dating and relationships with a friend when I mentioned that I am transparent when I meet someone, no building myself up here.  I basically consider false advertising lying.  I think that when a woman sucks in her stomach to seem thinner or a guy says he is taller in a personals ad, they are setting themselves up to fail.  Show yourself if you want yourself to be accepted.  I have been in many relationships, some great, some awful, all ended for one reason or fifty.  Either way, I never left the relationship feeling or being told that I hadn't communicated who I was.  Often it was the opposite.  I was often dating someone who wasn't who they said they were, but who they wanted to be.  I am not one to promise tomorrow when today is all we have.  So, I expect the same in return.  That expectation has proven difficult to meet in my journey towards love and intimacy.

I have spent relationships hoping for something that wasn't, waiting for someone who might never show.  It puts everyone at a disadvantage when you are hanging your hat on the future and hoping the present will hurry up to it.  The person who is being asked to be who they aren't yet is not happy.  Who would be when they aren't actually being loved for who they are?  The person waiting is, well, waiting, for someone who may never pop into existence.  Besides, if you want a love, a true love, I believe you have to truly be you without the promises of a you that is 'better' in your mind.  Promising a you of the future to someone puts so much stress on the relationship.  It is amazing how many of us feel that it is ok to try to change someone, or try to change for someone.

In past relationships I have massaged my partner regularly, written doting love notes, bought expensive jewelry, danced and made up songs, cooked elaborate meals, pampered in numerous ways, yet, when I meet someone now, I truly wouldn't think about saying that these are all of the things that I do.  They are things that I have done, that I know I am capable of doing but what I do now is work… a lot.  I write.  I listen to a lot of music and I talk… I love conversation.  The rest is to be discovered, not sold.  If someone doesn't like the person I am without them, then I certainly am not going to try to get them to.  At this point when I meet someone, I look at their life right now and believe that they are living it the way they have chosen to and that if I don't like it I may do better to move along.

We tend to believe that we are not enough as is.  We have decided the things that we judge unattractive should be hidden.  How on earth will we have the love we want when we don't show up to receive it?  I always admit that I am an asshole, a great friend, a loyal confidante and a Gemini who has to have her freedom.  If that doesn't work for someone then it most certainly won't work for me, regardless of what a great catch that person might seem to be.  A catch, in my opinion, is someone who wants me, that I want equally and the relationship works the way we feel it needs to.  Otherwise they are just fish in the sea.

xo

a

You, All Of You

Howdy! How much do you hide in order to be loved?  What about yourself are you ashamed of and would prefer to never see the light of day?  When did you recognize this thing that you so revile was a part of you?  Do you claim it or do you try to ignore it away?  Have you ever been with anyone that has something similar to that thing you have that you try to deny?  How did they handle it?  We are very sensitive souls and we are very afraid little beings in so many ways.  We all at least one thing that we do, have done, would do, that we would prefer no one know about (maybe you have done your work and have gotten through it, but we can all relate).  There are lengths that one goes to in order to get rid of something that they are ashamed of and those lengths are never long enough, never deep enough to hide who we are and push away what we need to accept.

Love, we all want it.  We all crave it.  We all go in search of it.  Some of us have found it, others are on the hunt.  We do things specifically to get it.  Much of the time what we do lacks in authenticity and is covered in judgement.  We show others the parts of ourselves that we have decided are lovable.  We withhold the areas we would prefer to not have from the one we would like to have.  We try our damnedest to be all that we want to be instead of embracing who we actually are.  We don't share with others the parts that we think they would judge as harshly as we have.  Still, we want to be loved fully.  How is it possible for anyone to love us fully if we don't actually do the same.  You are  telling someone that you don't love yourself but you would like it if they could love you.  That is telling someone that you don't want to be yelled at and yelling at everyone else around you.  It is hypocritical.  You are not doing it, you aren't loving yourself.  You are hating on something you are or a behavior that you display and yet you want to be loved fully.  If you don't see how all of you is worthy how will anyone else?

There may be things in your life, history, behavior that you would prefer to change, this is the case for all human beings.  We are always working on progress.  Hating it won't actually make it disappear.  If you want something to change you will need to actually look at it, find out what, why, when and where.  You may find that you don't want that behavior gone or the history erased.  It actually makes up who you are and in some way has a purpose.  We are here and we are deliberate.  We are not mistakes.  When this is a reality in your world it is easier to look at all of you and allow the various parts to be acknowledged and even given space to exist in a way that allows them to show up when you want them to, not on accident.  The very thing you have been trying to hide usually bites you in the ass at some point, so you might as well make friends with it so that you can be its master instead of the other way around.

You may also want to show this to the one you would have love you.  If you aren't showing someone who you are, really, how will they have the opportunity to love who you are, really?  When you decide for someone else what they would or wouldn't like you don't give them the opportunity to decide for themselves.  You may have failed relationships (intimate or otherwise) that have more to do with your inauthenticity than anything else.  Be yourself, be brave, be fearless and you will be loved.

xo

a

Just Say It

Howdy there! Have you ever bitten your tongue, beaten around the bush, tried to infer what you were meaning?  How did it go?  I am guessing that you have had some success at having someone 'get the hint' and some epic fails where you just made it worse.  What did you learn from it all?  Well, I have learned that I need to just say it, get it over with and deal with the backlash, if there is any, because the beating around the bush leads to more ridiculousness than saying it 'straight' as it were.

I have done a great job, in my professional and personal life, of being direct in my communication.  However, there are times where I beat around the bush, and those times never end well.  Usually the lack of directness is because of the concern around how someone will respond.  Sometimes it may be due to not having a solid hold on how I am actually feeling or wanting from a situation.  Either way I end up having to deal with the fact that I didn't just say whatever the hell it was that needed saying.

Letting someone know you don't like them, you want them to leave you alone, that they are fired, that they aren't cut out for the position for which they applied, all seem like crappy things to have to do.  The truth is, doing it quickly, with tact and honesty, beats drawing it out due to the fear of an unknown (imaginary) response.  When you let someone know the truth and you let go of the attachment to the response that they will have once they hear it from you, all becomes a lot less stressful.  I have always appreciated being told the reason behind being let go, dumped, ignored, etc.  I know that this may not be the case for some, some people would prefer to not know if it isn't yummy.  I get that, but I also know that letting someone know why they were rejected is a wonderful gift that they can interpret in the way that makes to most sense for them.

The next time you have the opportunity to say what you mean to say, do it.  Say it with love.  Say it with the intention to heal not hurt.  Say it, most of all, say it.

xo

a

Got To Be Real

Howdy party people! I had a groovy Friday and completely failed to write, which is fine, but interesting because I kept thinking, "I am forgetting something important."  Ha!  So, you get TWO today!  :)  That is the way it goes sometimes.  Ya know.

I am basically a nightmare for anyone who doesn't want to be present, shown themselves, called out, held accountable, loved in a non-attached way and independent.  I absolutely reject co-dependence in favor of a healthy interdependence and friendship in all of my relationships.  You can't 'sleep' when you are my partner and for most that has proven difficult.  The same holds true, on a less intense level, for being my friend.  You are challenged to take care of yourself, show up and overall be honest, as honest as you can be.  I enjoy growth and challenge those around me to keep on sprouting.

Honesty is something I work hard at moment to moment, knowing what I feel, owning what I want, making my life what I desire it to be.  Most of us, however, lie to ourselves on just about every level.  Honesty about our feelings, desires, fears, dislikes, beliefs and abilities.  So many of us are doing what we think our ideal self would do at the cost of denying our present self.  It is awesome to see where you want to go, but you cannot get there if you don't admit to where you are in this very moment.  Now, we aren't all doing this dishonesty dance on purpose.  Many of us are clueless to the lies we tell ourselves and others.  Many times we lie to get what we think we want.

Take, for example, when you meet someone you like.  How do you lie to them?  How do you show only the parts that you believe would be appealing?  I know that it isn't conscious, always, and it most certainly is not malicious… but that doesn't mean that it is honest.  We tend to be shiny and bright to attract, which is normal, and only show the sides that need polishing when we are pretty sure of an attachment on both sides.  Our insecurity about being lovable comes out when we meet someone new.  When we put ourselves on a pedestal by showing only the glittery bits, we don't allow others to actually enjoy the parts that make you you.  The parts that are totally true too.  It ends up being difficult later on when you have to actually be all of who you are.  The truth is you are lovable, I am lovable, all the parts private and public are absolutely worth loving.

Do you feel lovable?  Do you feel that you are worth someone fitting you into their world and possibly teaming up to create one with you?  Have you asked yourself these questions?

When you look at your motivations for doing what you do, your excuses for not doing what you know how to do, and the questions about yourself and your life that have remained unanswered, you begin to get an honest view of yourself.  Facing the parts of you that you hide from others is a great place to start letting go of the dishonesty.  Looking at what you would never want anyone to see is a jumping off point for amazing growth and a deeper love for yourself.  When you embrace all of your bits everyone else can too.  That sounds like a plan to me, what about you?

xo

a

What's Good???

Good morning! It is Tuesday!!  :) This only  takes a few moments to do but gives to you for much, much longer.  So put down whatever you are doing and take a couple of minutes for yourself.  Every Tuesday morning I am going to ask you to write down 5 things that you are grateful for and email them to me (keep for yourself as well).  What are you feeling gratitude around?  Here are mine for this week:

Healthy Boundaries!

Owning my choices.

David Zarza. (check out his website!) http://www.directedfocus.com/

Keli Keach Photography.  (website in progress!)

My Furry Animals! 

There are no right or wrong answers.  It is about what you are grateful for.   It is proven that doing this once a week for three months (actually just 9 weeks) makes you happier, healthier, exercise more and less sensitive to perceived slights.  You will sweat the small stuff less and focus on what really matters.

So… what are you waiting for???

"Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone happy doesn't make you nice, it just makes you a liar." ~Jenny O'Connel, The Book of Luke

Are you helping people stay where they are or motivating them to their highest potential?  We sometimes feel that being honest, if it hurts someone's feelings, is mean.  It may be exactly why you are in their life… to tell them the truth, finally.  They can decide what to do with it, but at least they are getting the information.

Food for thought!

Nothing in the world is harder than speaking the truth, nothing easier than flattery.  ~Fyodor Dostoyevsky

"Honesty is more than not lying.  It is truth-telling, truth-speaking, truth living, and truth-loving." ~James E. Faust

xoxoxo

a