boundaries

Ownership Has It's Privileges

Howdy, I was speaking to a relative about communication the other day.  She had never communicated what she wanted or needed but harbored much anger toward those who weren't meeting her needs.  I tried to give her insight into the idea that no one can be held responsible for anyone else's lack of action.  We are all responsible for ourselves and communicating our own needs.  Yet, through our culture of blame it is much easier to see fault in someone not just "knowing" what you need instead of owning the fact that you have to do the work to communicate (as many times as you have to in order to be heard) what it is you need… even if that means risking not getting your needs met.  See, speaking your truth doesn't mean it will be accepted by others… but you cannot get anywhere without trying, without risking, without speaking.  You most certainly have less of a chance of getting what you need if you never actually admit to having needs.

The fear, however, is so great that we hide behind the idea that people should know this or should have know that.  We actually believe that other people should be mind readers even though we don't do a good job of understanding what someone else wants.  We get angry with each other and literally resent people for not knowing what they were never told.  We argue over things being common sense or not, when the reality is, did they know?  Were they told?  Nothing is really obvious when it comes down to it.  If it isn't explicitly communicated you cannot expect it to be understood (even then you may need to do some work around it).  We spend so little time communicating our needs that we don't truly know how to.  Our fear of not being heard or our fear or judgement that we aren't deserving, mixed with our resentment for not getting our needs met create a scary combination.  It is a wonder how any relationship survives (in my opinion).  How many times have you expected someone to treat you one way or another only to have them do something else?  How did you respond?

We are a culture that blames.  We blame the government, the weather, God (if you have one or more), fast food, alcohol, other people, TV, guns, etc.  I don't believe I have ever turned on the TV or listened to the radio to hear our media discuss how each person contributes to their own personal issues, let alone the world's joys and pains.  I don't believe I have ever overheard a conversation where someone was saying, "I must take a long hard look at myself and what I am bringing to this situation that is perpetuating it."  I have heard that they did this, or they did that or they need to stop doing these things and everything would be ok.  It is no wonder why we oftentimes feel powerless over our lives.  It is no wonder why we go to war or have road rage.  It is no wonder why our world is in such turmoil.  We are all pointing the finger at someone/something else, rarely seeing where we can start to make a shift in the world.

How can you take ownership for yourself today?

xo

a

Personal Space

Great Day All!!! Not everyone understands boundaries at the same time everyone understands boundaries.  There are a lot of different kind of boundaries, energetic, physical, political, emotional… and our boundaries grow and change and sometimes disappear.  Boundaries are supposed to be put in place to keep us safe.  When we no longer have use for them it is important to let them go, individual boundaries that have no purpose can create walls and isolation.  I am someone who has learned how to have clear boundaries after years of feeling violated in one way or another.  I have found that even though I state what I need for myself there are those who have no desire to respect or adhere to my boundaries.  I have also encountered many people who have more than a difficult time setting boundaries and walk the earth feeling victimized and put-upon by friends, family and anyone else they encounter.  Usually the ones without boundaries feel like they know about you, will tell you things you didn't ask them to and expect to have access to you and your life in ways you don't feel comfortable.  There is a feeling of entitlement to others that goes beyond day-to-day, person to person interaction for the boundary violators.

I have been followed, chased, touched, harassed, raped, obsessed over, told that I have no right to push someone out of my life (by that someone I was pushing out), verbally assaulted for setting boundaries and more in my 38 years on this planet as Aina.  I have learned that boundaries are helpful for me to move about my world with a sense of control.  Obviously, we can violate one another whenever we choose, if we choose.  Boundaries, however, can serve as a deterrent for those who would choose to cross the line.  Boundaries are not a sure thing but they certainly have a high success rate of keeping one safe.  The first thing we must understand is that we are born with the right to set boundaries where we see fit in regards to ourselves and as fellow humans we are somewhat obligated to respect the boundaries that others set.

In order to respect others right to boundaries we must remind ourselves that all of us that walk this earth are equals.  We all have the same rights.  I was just setting a boundary with someone recently when they replied with a stipulation in regards to respecting my boundary.  They wanted me to understand why they did something (that triggered me needing to set a boundary) in order for my boundary to be accepted by them.  Boundaries aren't up for discussion.  They aren't there to be haggled with and they most certainly are not about the person that is being told what the boundary is for someone.  Boundaries are specifically about the person setting them.  There is never a need to ask for understanding when someone is asking for safety.  Safety is personal.  We each have individual needs in order to feel protected and safe.  As humans on this planet together we can all relate, and we would all want that.  It is important to not allow our own fear of not having something override our ability to relate and be empathetic.

When you are faced with either setting a boundary or being asked to respect it see what happens for you.  Are you uncomfortable?  Do you have fear around the idea of setting or respecting?  Why?  What goes on for you when you ask someone to follow a rule you have set for your life.  There is much to be learned in the setting of boundaries and the ability to honor the boundaries of others.

Enjoy the exploration.

xo

a

Love Yourself

Hi there, What do you want to get in your life?  Most of what you do is for love, to get love, to feel loved, to keep love.  We are motivated to do so many things because we are looking for the acceptance, approval, the love of others.  We will change, bend, compromise and give over our power in the hopes that we will be ok in the eyes of someone.

Have you spent anytime trying to impress, gain the acceptance or approval from the person that it really matters?  Do you know who that person is?  You are the CEO of your world.  You are the one that gives bonuses and stock options. You are the one you answer to.  You are the one that can push love away or receive it.  You are the one that allows love to be shown, absorbed and used.  When you choose to receive love you are only getting your self-love mirrored back to you.  When you push it away, what are you telling the world/yourself?  When you are constantly looking, unable to find it, where is it hiding when all you are is love?  Made up from it and built to send it out.  We forget ourselves so often it is amazing we ever get back.  When you look for it on your outside you abandon it on your inside.

Do you know what it means to love yourself?  Honestly?  I don't mean to dress yourself or clean yourself or feed yourself well or say how awesome you are.  Loving yourself, supporting yourself, not leaving yourself when the going gets rough.  Being there for you when you do things that you have, in the past, judged?  When you remember who you are, LOVE, and behave as such your world, THE world shifts.

Stop putting the responsibility of your own work on others.  Stop trying to get people who are struggling the same way you are to do a better job at loving than you do!  What is the logic behind that???

Wake up, smell the roses and tell yourself you will be ok, regardless.

xo

a

What's Good???

Good morning! It is Tuesday!!  :) This only  takes a few moments to do but gives to you for much, much longer.  So put down whatever you are doing and take a couple of minutes for yourself.  Every Tuesday morning I am going to ask you to write down 5 things that you are grateful for and email them to me (keep for yourself as well).  What are you feeling gratitude around?  Here are mine for this week:

Healthy Boundaries!

Owning my choices.

David Zarza. (check out his website!) http://www.directedfocus.com/

Keli Keach Photography.  (website in progress!)

My Furry Animals! 

There are no right or wrong answers.  It is about what you are grateful for.   It is proven that doing this once a week for three months (actually just 9 weeks) makes you happier, healthier, exercise more and less sensitive to perceived slights.  You will sweat the small stuff less and focus on what really matters.

So… what are you waiting for???

"Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone happy doesn't make you nice, it just makes you a liar." ~Jenny O'Connel, The Book of Luke

Are you helping people stay where they are or motivating them to their highest potential?  We sometimes feel that being honest, if it hurts someone's feelings, is mean.  It may be exactly why you are in their life… to tell them the truth, finally.  They can decide what to do with it, but at least they are getting the information.

Food for thought!

Nothing in the world is harder than speaking the truth, nothing easier than flattery.  ~Fyodor Dostoyevsky

"Honesty is more than not lying.  It is truth-telling, truth-speaking, truth living, and truth-loving." ~James E. Faust

xoxoxo

a