Why Jealousy?

Holler! Jealousy, ahhh, good god, what is it good for?  Absolutely nuthin', say it again!!

Man, I have been jealous before… and every time there was good reason.  It was a loud signal to get the heck out of the relationship.  When I have felt jealous there were a lot of other things that weren't working in the relationship, and, for me, jealousy was a great way to sound the alarm.  The only issue is I learned all of these truths for myself because I stayed in the relationships until they imploded sometime later.

Jealousy is defined as an emotion that refers to negative thoughts, feelings of insecurity, fear and anxiety over the anticipated loss of something that someone values… usually in reference to a human connection.  Inadequacy, anger, resentment and helplessness often accompany jealousy!! Oooh, sounds so yummy, doesn't it?  Thought this description is rather unappealing to me, I have heard many people say that jealousy is actually pretty healthy, or "I kinda like when my partner is jealous."  WTF???  Ok, I get you want to be desired, but to have someone in your life that feels anger, inadequacy, resentment?  Really?  I would have to say I would rather see what was behind door number 2 than have a jealous partner.  Maybe I will win a new car…

In my past relationships where jealousy came up the trust was destroyed in my relationship(s).  Jealously, for me, was a sign that I hadn't been nurtured in the relationship the way that I wanted to be, first by myself and then by my partner.  Jealousy destroys bonds, it doesn't preserve them, and jealousy can give rise to relationship violence (Psychology Today).  When you feel less than, when you perceive a loss, that loss is now truth.  When I was married I was jealous of everyone around my spouse.  Turns out everyone around my spouse (the few close friends that were in her life) would have preferred to be in my position.  I was later cheated on and left for one of those folks that I had felt concern around.

It has taken me some time to recognize that jealousy is information and a bit longer to recognize that the information I get may not be the information someone else will get when they have their own feelings of jealousy.  We are all different so we need to interpret our emotions individually.  For someone else jealousy could signal memories of abandonment.  For another it could be a way to self-sabotage.  Either way, jealousy isn't something that signals 'all is well' on the home-front.  What it is telling you is that something needs your attention and usually, 99.9% of the time, that something is you.

When was the last time you were jealous?  What was it surrounding?  How did you handle it (or did it handle you???)?



Love Not Fear

Happy Friday! The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." ~Sven Goran Eriksson

Fear is unbelievably powerful.  Fear motivates us to change what we do, how we treat others, how we treat ourselves.  Fear will get us to give up our freedoms.  Fear will get us to hurt others.  Fear basically will kick our ass.  Fear also makes certain that love is lost.  With fear being present there is no space for love.  You are not allowed to live immersed in both.  Yet so many people will fall into love with someone based on the fear that there aren't any better options, that they should, that they need to be partnered at a certain point or age in life.  Fear will keep someone in an abusive relationship with someone else and/or with themselves.

Often we are afraid to be who we are, fully.  We show only the parts that are shiny and nice.  We hold onto and hide the parts that we have deemed unlovable.  We have taken the parts that we feel would push someone away and shown them piecemeal, after we feel secure that the person loves "us."  Well, what "us" are they loving if they don't have all the information?  What you have you given them the opportunity to fall for.  How would they stay with you when they don't know who you are?  What do we expect when we don't give someone the opportunity to know all of what they are getting into.  It is like we want to get someone attached and then show them the stuff that they would run from otherwise but won't now because they are obligated through promises made when ignorant of the truth.  Think about it.  Is that what you want?

Why would you enter into anything not being your authentic self?  What do you have to gain?  Well, it isn't always that black and white.  Most of the time we don't know we aren't being authentic, we just aren't accepting of who we are.  We haven't actually spent time loving up on the parts that we hide.  Yet, we hope that someone will love us enough to have to deal with the shit they never knew existed when they first fell in love.  We get into relationships and wonder why they don't work.  We leave or get left, we fear abandonment and aren't understood.  The truth of the matter is that the fear of being left is realized when we don't show up for ourselves.  When we abandon all of ourselves we don't allow others to stick it through with us.  We show others that we aren't worth staying.  When we deny the truth of who we are, others don't want to live that lie.  When we base our lives on who we want to be and not who we are we end up feeling lonely and lacking.  You must be the person you want to be with in the world.

What do you want?  How do you want to be loved?  Do you want someone who knows you, all of you and loves you because of it? Do you want to hide yourself and live a life pretending to be other than who you are?  Are you willing to accept the parts of you that aren't what you want to sing and dance about?  Do you feel worth putting yourself out there so that the one who will love you for all of it can actually find you?  When you hold back on who you actually are you don't give someone the opportunity to love all of who you are.  We are way to caught up with catching someone than being caught.  We are way to afraid to be who we are and have faith that we are worthy of love, deserving of unconditional love, destined for true love.  You are enough.  You are exactly right for someone.  You, all of you just need to come out of the dark, let go of the fear, walk towards yourself with open arms, then show yourself in all of your glory to the world and let your love find you.

"Fear is faith that it won't work out."  ~Anon



The X-Files

Hello!! I was discussing relationships with a friend when I realized that many people believe that when they are left by someone they love they have been wronged.  Most of us have been heartbroken before.  Some of us may be going through it right now.  Either way, heartbreak is universal.  So often after being crushed by an unrequited love, we try to find fault with the person that left us.  They were this way or that way; they weren't open because they are damaged and cannot open up; they suck.  Often I hear people say that at some point the person that left them will realize what a mistake they made and want to come back.  Why in the hell would you want someone back who didn't want you, so much so that they high-tailed it out of your life?  Not the lover I would be looking to the universe for.

Being left hurts.  Relationships ending hurt.  Change hurts.  I gotta tell you that the person that left you isn't the bad guy.  They didn't do anything to you that you didn't give them permission to do.  They don't want you and that is ok.  They will find someone else who they work better with and they will be fine.  You, your healing is understanding that good relationships don't end.  True love doesn't die and the person that left you left you better off.  You are now free to find that person who isn't leaving, loves you the way you want to be loved and makes sense on many levels.

When we are reeling from pain from loss we tend to want to pin the reason for the pain on other people.  No one makes you feel anything.  You decide to put one emotion or another on whatever the situation is.  No one decides for you to feel one way or another so no one is hurting you, when it comes down to it.  I know that this is a difficult concept because we are a culture that sues over coffee being hot.  The truth is the sooner you realize that you choose your feelings based on your beliefs the sooner you can believe something that doesn't make you feel or act like a victim.

So, no, your ex isn't going to be miserable without you.  Your ex is your ex because they didn't want to be your present.  Your ex is not the same with you that they will be with their one.  Your pain, is real and self-inflicted.  When you take ownership over the ideas you have around being left you can spend less time in the blaming phase and more time in the information/growth gathering phase.



What Do You Know?

Hello there, I would say that I know myself very well.  I am the expert on me… yet, I have, in the past couple of weeks learned about me in ways I didn't know I would.  So what of this knowing that I was so sure about?  Is it possible that what I believe I know is just what I have decided to tell myself or what I know about me so far?  I believe we put a little too much stock in who we know we are and what we know to be.

When we admit we have no idea we open up the possibility for learning.  I am not sure exactly when we become so rigid, but we all do.  At some point we actually believe that we KNOW something.  We think we know about others, the world, and ourselves.  Regardless of how many times we are shown something we didn't know before, at some point we begin believing that we know crap.  When we say we know, we cut off being open to what else is there.  When we say we know, we are soon shown otherwise.

Understand that everything is in flux, nothing stays the same, what we know is going to change.  We may think that it is important to have information, to master all things that we have chosen to.  There is nothing wrong with that inherently.  It is possible to master what we decide to until we are shown the deeper levels of that thing.  There are always layers to things that reveal themselves only after we are able to see fully the layer that we are on (or when we think we are done learning).  There is always more, always.

When you find yourself in a place where you are stuck on knowing change your language.  Instead of definitive responses say that you know what you like in this moment, or you know where you would like to be at this point.  Knowing, like everything else, changes.  Stay curious and enjoy the journey.



Less Is More

Hello :) Over the years I have had to learn how to pull back.  Do less, say less, give less, in order to have the impact I desire.  I believe most of us have had the opportunity to be in a place where we have simply done too much.  Maybe it was advice to a friend, possibly unsolicited, definitely biased.  Maybe you gave your opinion on something that had nothing to do with you.  Maybe you became attached to the outcome of what your friend would do.  Either way, you may have learned (or maybe you haven't) that advice, though nice, cannot be received if it wasn't permitted.  Sometimes sitting back, letting things unfold as they may is the best way.

As a coach I have had to use my voice in various ways for all of the different personalities that I have worked with.  Some folks need a gentle approach where you sandwich critique, others need to be told straight, no chaser.  Either way you want to say whatever it is that you need to say in as few words as possible.  Too much is too much.  When you are being told you aren't doing well in an area how well do you hear, how hard are you listening?  Or do you become defensive and shut down a wee bit?  Well if any part of you shuts down or blocks out critique then imagine others doing the same when you tell them something you don't like or shine a light on an area that needs tending to.  Bottom line, pull back the reigns and let the situation breathe.  Say what you mean and let it go.  Be clear and concise instead of over communicating believing you are being nice.

Some of us have a family member a friend or acquaintance that may not be 'living up to his/her potential."  Says who?  Honestly, we all are falling short of our potential.  When you realize we are all coming from where we are, someone who seems to be not 'living up' to their potential may simply be a bit behind you in certain ways… that doesn't mean it is your duty to pull them along.  You don't give them everything they seem to be lacking.  How on earth will they figure out how to grow if they don't figure things out for themselves.  Giving in this situation is not what it seems… the giving needed here is that of love and space.  Giving others the space to figure their own life out is almost always more impact than if you lead someone around like a child, never trusting that they will learn the lessons life has in store for them.

When you are putting all of yourself into a situation, person, place and feel that frustration is what you get in return, you may be doing too much.  You may need to pull back and let things be.  It is amazing how things begin to balance out when you let them.  What wouldn't come to you now falls in your lap.  Someone who wouldn't listen is now asking for advice.  Overall you have more time to focus on why giving, speaking, doing is so important to you which may lead you to discover that you have been using these things as a tool to hide from yourself.  When you take it down a notch you see things in a different way, you are aware of how much you don't know and in what ways you too need growth.

"The universe knows how to organize itself without your help."  Marianne Williamson




Happy Monday! I was listening to music, which is basically 80% of my day :) and needed some intro class, cool down music for one of my mixes. So I let songs float into my head that I know and one stuck out called Weather The Storm by Kindred Family Soul. I love this song for the melody, the lyrics and the energy behind it. I was reminded that I had begun an email/blog a couple of days ago about this topic of Love and decided to scrap it due to it just not being the right time. Today seems like Love wants to be written about so here goes it…

Most people want others to do things that they want them to do. When I say most I am talking about 99% of us. It is natural to want what we want. But is it love? If someone you love wants something that doesn't work for you and that may take them away from you how would you reply? We speak about love so freely and yet we don't actually make it a daily practice with ourselves and others. How do you treat yourself when you want to do something that would go against what you thing others want you to do? Are you concerned that you would "lose" people if you followed your heart? If you lived your dreams? If you made choices that you felt resonated the most with you? What if your partner wants something you do not? Does that make you feel unloved? Do you want to change what someone else wants? Be honest.

I put a small part of the song by Kindred Family Soul below for your reading pleasure:

Voice 1: Hey baby, you know I need to make this move, right? I don't want to go, I don't want to leave you. Voice 2: I just want you to be happy, that's all. V1: On one hand it is what I want, what we need, I don't know. V2: Just do what you got to do... I really don't think you understand you need to break from this place, you've got dreams and aspirations and I couldn't bear it, if you didn't go you'd only resent me, and I could never allow that cause I love you completely. So fly, be an angel if you gotta, take the stars and clouds put 'em in your pocket and hold 'em, bring 'em back for me."

Do you see love in that way? Have you ever been able to allow someone you want to want something other than you and be supportive of it, even if that means them being gone… leaving? What does someone else's happiness bring you? Is it conditional? Do you find yourself wishing you could make someone want something that you want? Does your love disappear when you don't get what you want?

By looking at how we "love" we can learn so much about our lives and the people in them. By opening yourself up to loving others as they are, where they are and how they are we can do the same for ourselves. The only person that you control or that can do what you want is you. We try so hard to please others in the name of love we sometimes forget to make sure we are loving ourselves.

Who is in your world that would benefit from you loving them right now?

xo a

Here is a link to the song: