Why Jealousy?

Holler! Jealousy, ahhh, good god, what is it good for?  Absolutely nuthin', say it again!!

Man, I have been jealous before… and every time there was good reason.  It was a loud signal to get the heck out of the relationship.  When I have felt jealous there were a lot of other things that weren't working in the relationship, and, for me, jealousy was a great way to sound the alarm.  The only issue is I learned all of these truths for myself because I stayed in the relationships until they imploded sometime later.

Jealousy is defined as an emotion that refers to negative thoughts, feelings of insecurity, fear and anxiety over the anticipated loss of something that someone values… usually in reference to a human connection.  Inadequacy, anger, resentment and helplessness often accompany jealousy!! Oooh, sounds so yummy, doesn't it?  Thought this description is rather unappealing to me, I have heard many people say that jealousy is actually pretty healthy, or "I kinda like when my partner is jealous."  WTF???  Ok, I get you want to be desired, but to have someone in your life that feels anger, inadequacy, resentment?  Really?  I would have to say I would rather see what was behind door number 2 than have a jealous partner.  Maybe I will win a new car…

In my past relationships where jealousy came up the trust was destroyed in my relationship(s).  Jealously, for me, was a sign that I hadn't been nurtured in the relationship the way that I wanted to be, first by myself and then by my partner.  Jealousy destroys bonds, it doesn't preserve them, and jealousy can give rise to relationship violence (Psychology Today).  When you feel less than, when you perceive a loss, that loss is now truth.  When I was married I was jealous of everyone around my spouse.  Turns out everyone around my spouse (the few close friends that were in her life) would have preferred to be in my position.  I was later cheated on and left for one of those folks that I had felt concern around.

It has taken me some time to recognize that jealousy is information and a bit longer to recognize that the information I get may not be the information someone else will get when they have their own feelings of jealousy.  We are all different so we need to interpret our emotions individually.  For someone else jealousy could signal memories of abandonment.  For another it could be a way to self-sabotage.  Either way, jealousy isn't something that signals 'all is well' on the home-front.  What it is telling you is that something needs your attention and usually, 99.9% of the time, that something is you.

When was the last time you were jealous?  What was it surrounding?  How did you handle it (or did it handle you???)?



Let It Out!

"We must learn how to explode!  Any disease is healthier than the one provoked by hoarded rage."  ~Emil Cioran Some of us like to keep our true feelings to ourselves.  We fear judgement, we fear being discovered of being less than perfect.  We are sometimes so afraid that the areas that we feel are unpleasant stay inside and fester.

When we vent we are allowing the areas of our world that seem unpleasant in the moment to become less big.  When you let it out through venting you are letting the energy around it disperse.  You are creating a space for there to be less charge around it.

The need for venting or ventilation doesn't just apply to HVAC systems.  Venting is an amazing way to keep things moving and not getting stuck, to keep things circulating.  Venting helps circulate energy that builds up within us and allows it to dissipate. This movement of emotions, thoughts, energy is a component of a healthy, happy life.  Holding upset, disappointment, anger, fear, etc. inside gives those things a breeding ground to create dis-ease in your body.  Energy has to go somewhere after all.

Letting things out, talking to someone you trust, speaking your frustration is a healthy way to move beyond it.  When you learn to release and allow those feelings to flow you open up opportunities for healing around whatever issue you have attached yourself to.  When you speak your pains you have an opportunity to also hear your pains.  Sometimes that reflection is just what you need to see what role you play in the drama of your life.  When you hear yourself saying the same things over and over and nothing changes, it becomes way more obvious than if you kept those issues to yourself.  Not only does the venting need to happen for the person frustrated, the person listening is being allowed to hear, support, be a mirror and feel safe to do the same.

Share yourself, all of yourself, we are much more interesting when we are who we are and much, much happier.