Let Them Be

Hiya, I know many, many couples and have been in plenty myself.  One thing that is just truth throughout any relationship is the desire for one partner or both to want someone different from who they are with.  No matter how hard you try you will not change anyone.  You can hope and wish and try and berate and ask and pray and beg and prod and threaten and sweet talk and do much more… if the person you are trying to change wants nothing of the sort, you would do better to wish for the sun to blow up and life to continue than to get someone to do something that they don't feel in their soul and have it truly become a part of them.  So many of us begin relationships thinking that our partners will change for the better and in the direction we prefer.  Most of the time our partners want the same things, to get along, to be  nothing but  happen, but often there is little to no work involved and just wishing things were different.

It is hard to tell your partner that you don't like them as they are, so we find ways to do so without ever speaking the truth.  We tell them that they are wrong, that no one else does what they do, that they would be happier if they did a, b, c or d.  We give them ultimatums.  We try to show them our side in hopes that it is enticing enough for them to join us there.  We spend a lot of time not seeing the other person and ignoring what we do see.  We place an idea on someone and expect them to live up to it because it is so much better than their current reality, to us.  We then get very upset when the person we are with never fits into the image we have for the perfect mate.  We somehow feel like they haven't tried… because they haven't morphed into something that wasn't their choosing.

So what if when you met someone you accepted that they were showing up and this was the best they had to give in the moment.  What if you didn't get them to do anything differently or even ask when it wasn't about how you preferred being treated.  What if you just let them navigate their love life and their relationships, including what they wanted with you?  What if you put the energy you would normally put into getting them to be something you would like working on yourself in some way?  What if you actually saw the person for who they were in this moment instead of who they might possibly become (with lots of work and hand-holding and back sliding)?  You may find that resentment goes away on both sides.  You might find that you enjoy the person right now without needing anything to change or you might see that you aren't compatible and find someone who is.

You will always have more success working on yourself than you would working on someone else.  You can hope and wish and pray and beg but you will soon discover that we are who we choose to be, not who someone else makes us.  Try to see, understand and love where people are in their lives.  Try to connect with the person they are now and let the rest take care of itself.  If someone isn't working toward moving closer to you and meeting you half-way, no amount of pressure is going to get them to do it from their own heart.  If you are feeling like the person you are with needs a lot of 'fixing' maybe it is you that needs it too, so you don't choose partners who aren't ready or compatible to you.  There are a lot of people in the world, billions, if one doesn't fit, I promise you, there are many many more to choose from that don't need your magic to turn into prince or princess charming.