Self Inflicted

Hello, Writing is one way that I own my personal power… moving my body in another way, speaking my mind, saying what I want, loving myself are all ways in which I demonstrate my awareness around my divinity. One of the ways in which we undermine our personal power is by leaving ourselves. We leave ourselves by being inauthentic; not doing what we want to do. When we don't know what we want, do what others want, or refuse to admit what we want, we dishonor our soul's divinity. We have the same rights as everyone else to feel, want and need. When we put someone's needs, wants or feelings over our own by making ours less than, we cut away pieces of ourselves. We take these pieces and we give them away, in some ways hoping that someone will notice that we are mutilating ourselves for the sake of the love, respect, kindness of others. It is hard to respect someone who doesn't honor themselves; whether we realize consciously they are hurting themselves or not, our soul can see another soul that is abusing themselves.

Abuse is often considered something that is done to another person or thing. However, abuse more often happens within a person's relationship with him/herself. We abuse ourselves by not discovering who we are, what we want, how we feel. We abuse ourselves by never getting to know and love ourselves yet expecting to have a long and healthy life. If you are in a relationship with someone you never speak to, get to know and love most would call that neglect. Very few people would think it was ok to stay in that relationship… yet we are in it with ourselves right now. Most people are the worst partners to themselves, partly because they have no idea that that relationship that you have with yourself is every relationship in your world. The external relationships are just aspects of your very deep and complicated relationship with your Self. We spend a lot of time blaming someone else for making us feel this or that when on a higher level they are showing us what we do to and think of ourselves.

Where this is hard to hear or understand is when you think you are being loving and giving to your partner by looking out for them first, by bending over backwards to make sure they are understood and heard… by going to great lengths to squash any feelings you have that may be contrary to theirs. We think we are being loving, we believe we are taking care. We are being so mean, violently so, to our souls. They don't actually benefit either. They are left stunted without ever seeing that the world doesn't revolve around them, and therefore never getting to figure out what to do with their feelings and desires that aren't fulfilled by another. They don't have the opportunity to fend for themselves and in that way emotionally grow. And you… well, you are being your most ferocious enemy. You make you wrong. You make what you need invalid and when your partner or others support your being invalid, you feel even worse.

Where are you denying you? Notice how you keep people around you who support this abuse you inflict on yourself. Sometimes these abuse supporters feel threatened when you begin to fight for yourself, when you begin to stop the cutting. This is to be expected, but never to be honored. Your power is your own, own it.


xo a

You Dont Need To Know

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You think you know but you don't.  We all want to know… something, anything.  It makes us feel like we are smart, special, in control.  Humans are pretty bad at going with the flow.  We set up our lives so we can get familiar and so that things aren't unpredictable.  We want to feel like we can tell what will happen next.  We stress about things when we don't know so much so that we can literally make ourselves "sick with worry."  Sick with worry is not a joke, it happens, people are exhausted from freaking the f*ck out on the regular.  The thing is, most of us don't know and don't need to know… that isn't the point of life.

There are ways that believing you know can become a hinderance instead of the freedom that most think knowing brings.  If, six years ago, you knew you were going to be where you are now what would you have changed?  If you knew the details of your life then how would you have judged this life you live in this moment?  Now, most of us are not who we were six years ago.  Most of us have some different perspectives, experiences, ideas that may have changed the way we view our lives now.  But if your six years younger self had known, he or she may have changed everything so you would be where you are… and wouldn't have grown into whatever you have grown into.  Knowing takes away learning.  Learning is growth.

You have a lover or a friend or a family member who says they know you.  The relationship changes.  You don't see each other for years, though when you were together the relationship was symbiotic almost.  You have experiences, thoughts, ideas.  You then speak with your friend/relative/ex-lover and they tell you that they know you.  You are trying to explain how you have come to see the world differently since you have been gone and they aren't having it.  They tell you who you are, where you came from, what you want, think, etc… You are invalidated, not heard, frustrated because they know you.  They know you.  What in the hell do they know?  Why is it even important?  

You have a friend/relative/ex-lover that it speaking with you after years of not being as close as you were… but you were super-duper close before, you grew up together.  You think you know them, how they would do this or that.  It brings you comfort.  It brings you a sense of belonging to one another, closeness.  You see them do the same things they did a long time ago.  You know them.  Then, they do something that surprises you.  You are unhappy because you thought you knew them and they acted "out of character."  Whose character are they acting different from?  Are they behaving differently from the person you have boxed them in to being or are they doing what they are doing, which is a direct demonstration of how little you know?

You want to know who you will be with, where you will live, what you will be doing in the future.  The future is dependent on you living the present moment.  Learning the present moment.  You cannot get to France if you don't first know where the f*ck you are.  You knowing that you will marry in 10 years, work as a consultant to large corporations helping bring about empathy in business in Paris does what for you now?  If you are currently waiting tables and in love with being single and totally self-absorbed.  Knowing what the future holds takes away the lessons of the present.  

You aren't supposed to know everything, on the contrary, you are being urged to be open, curious, excited about the unknown, not fearful and freaked out.  There are so many gifts in this moment and we lose those gifts when we try to see farther along than where we are.  The future will happen in a more amazing way than you could predict anyway.  Let it take care of itself by being right where you are, fully.  Besides, knowing is less interesting than being.  Being is where it is at.  Why not try that for a spell, see what shakes out.