poetry

Us

Howdy, Relationship, whether it is with ourselves or with another, is integral to the human experience we are all in.  We learn about ourselves in relation to others.  When we are shown who we are in relationship, we choose to deny or accept what we have learned.  We choose to take ownership or we blame.  We either hold or let go of what is being given to us.  The choice is ours.

If you don't like where you are, who you are, in this moment then you are going to have a hard time relating to others and at some point, to yourself.  When you spend much or your time denying and lying about what is really happening for you the ability to move beyond it is nearly impossible.  Without an acceptance of what is, what will be remains elusive.  You are not able to find out what is next when what is here is turned down and denied.  If you have left yourself, turned your back on where you are, pretended like never are yet always will be, you will remain stuck, churning and frustrated.  Working on relationships with others and with yourself is imperative for growth.  You cannot only know yourself as you are reflected back through relationship with another, you will need to find out who you are in relationship to yourself.

We all have parts of ourselves that we neglect when we are alone or put on others when we are together.   Having a balance is important for a healthy relationship to be sustained.  Where do you see your place in your life and relationships?  How well do you know yourself?  The constant in all of your relationships is you, so it may behoove you to figure you out.  What patterns have emerged whether you are alone or not?  What relationship has helped you accept the parts you would choose to hide?  Where do you still try to keep yourself from seeing who you are?  When was the last time you had a love affair with yourself or another?  Does it feed you daily?  I feel that your relationship with yourself needs to be your foundation; your relationship with another is a reflection of that.

I know that my relationships with others reflect strongly my relationship to myself.  When I am healthy in regards to my loving of me, I have an easier time with others treating me well, loving me well, knowing me.  When I feel undeserving, less than, I attract those who support those feelings.  If you are feeling less than, unsupported and alone… go home to yourself.  Come back to your first love affair with you or find that love in relation to another.  Let one feed the other, however you find it, just find it.  Allow yourself to be loved for being, for just simply being.  No judgement, no fear, no reservations.

 

Come Back

Come back now

and wrap your

self

around my shell, for I have felt

my core

melt with your words and touch

 

and whatever is left of me

I want you to catch, de-liquify

 

my heart, place it gently back

as we meet eye to eye.

 

Until then

have me at breakfast

so you are strong throughout the day.

~A.C.

 

xo

a

No Clouds

Howdy, I am safely in the Big Apple and ready to see folks and hear folks and do 'thangs' and what not.  I have to say that it is HOTTTT.  Like too hot.  90-100's hot.  I don't miss the heat living in Seattle.  I enjoy sleeping soundly in the cool temperatures we have there.  Waking up to this heat is sort of stressful.  You wake up knowing right away that you have to move according to the heat.  You are drained a bit before you begin anything and you (or at least me) try to find somewhere that has some air conditioning… because my brother's place doesn't have any.

I spent last night with my father, brothers (two of them), sister-in-law, two of my nephews and a groovy poet named Neiel.  My father's place is a creative person magnet.  On any given day you will find poets, dancers, singers, painters, writers, etc.  In all honesty, that also makes up my family (except for the dancers, we don't have any dancers in the immediate family).  The evening began with a listen to my father's new album, produced by my brother Pharoah (an amazing singer, writer and producer), with vocals by my sister-in-law & brother-in-law.  We danced, we sang, we had a blast.  My nephews got in on the action after they played a game of chess (the 11 year old beating the 14 year old and letting us all know about it).

What follows is a little over 5 minutes of a hilarious evening of acting/improv and just adorableness.  The poem is called "No Clouds" and as his father said, I would bet that it wasn't written down!  Ha…

Here it is: No Clouds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vluKjB-Ev9I&feature=g-upl

xo

a

Happy Birthday To Me!

Happy Wednesday! I am having a stellar day and it is still morning.  I woke at 5 this morning after having super active dreams, all good.  I had a 6am class at FlyWheel that I was looking forward to.  I wore lots of sequins :)  When I arrived, my bike was decorated with sparkly stars and lots of ribbon.  The mirror had a special message on it for me.  I felt loved.  Most of the staff woke up to take my class, which is amazing!  I feel love.  Two of my regulars showed up for the 6am after taking my class last night just to celebrate me.  I am love.

Before I left and after dancing around and feeling the excitement of being, I was asked some questions about age and what I have learned over my lifetime.  It was a gift to share it with Manny and Caroline and now I will share it with you.

I was light when I was young.  Shining bright, loving all that existed.  I remember the feeling of being absolutely happy all of the time.  I wanted to run, play, watch TV, read, talk, listen, dance, cook, jump, run, laugh, be passionately.  I did everything with joy.  I even pretended to be injured (to get out of cleaning up) with excitement.  I saw everyone as connected to me, as a part of me and I loved freely.  I was always a leader and enjoyed being a decision maker.  I have always known what I loved and was lucky enough to have a mother that told me that I had the right to have my own opinion and to question everything; to make up my own mind.  I was told everyday that I was the best, the most, the yummiest.  When parents worry about telling their children these truths I sometimes feel sad.  The world will work hard to trip you up, the least a mom and dad can do is build their children up to be strong enough to withstand the impact of life.  I should say that I was also told everything else as well.  I was given rules, I had responsibility and I was told about the world and the people in it with no sugar-coating.  Instead of being told what to do I was given examples and then allowed to make my own choices. I believe children are smarter than us and can handle honesty in a way that we feel isn't nice because we have learned to lie as we have grown up.  We have become very fragile and afraid emotionally… and that is learned.  So just as we learn how to be offended we can learn to be open and strong.  I know that being told that I was both of those things helped me be who I am.

I spent my teenage years struggling in many ways.  I lived in North Carolina for a few years and was bullied incessantly.  It was a devastating time.  I learned about depression and desperation during those years.  I stopped believing in people on one level.  The world wasn't as shiny and I wasn't as happy.  These are experiences that I am grateful for.

I went to college and lived a full and fantastic 4 years.  I worked 58 jobs (not quite, but you get the picture) and knew everyone.  I was experiencing myself in a way that I hadn't before.  I was able to grow into leadership immediately and athletics came into my world.  I was falling in love with all of me.  A courtship that continues to this day.

In my 20's I knew that it was more important for me to love what I was doing than to make money.  So I loved work and was horribly poor.  I still have debt from that time period and I don't regret a moment.  I coached rowing while some of my friends became doctors or lawyers.  I remember being asked what I "really" did for work, often.  I used to get offended until I was told to answer with the excitement of being able to do what I love for my career.  Afterwards, when I was posed that question I answered with excitement, "I get to coach for a LIVING!!, Isn't that fantastic?!"  In my 20's I learned that most people don't know what they want, who they are and that age was a joke.  I also learned that nothing was what it seemed.

In my 30's I felt a sense of liberation.  I wasn't' a child anymore (or so I thought) and I could start living the life I thought I was supposed to.  Ha!  After my nephew passed I grew up in a way.  Everything shifted into an understanding that life was and is a big surprise most of the time.  We aren't here to figure it out, we are here to figure ourselves out.  When I think about how many people I tried to change, relationships I didn't foster, and experiences I had to repeat because I didn't get it the first time, I want to laugh.  Instead of focusing on what I could change I focused on the external.  I don't make that choice anymore.  I love life.  I love my life.  I love my friends and family.  I love the people who annoy the shit out of me.  I love my work.  I love being.  I appreciate so much, so much more.  I say thank you more often, not because I feel it more but because I am no longer ashamed of needing help.  I remember being ashamed of needing. I am no longer afraid to be human.  I am no longer in the mood to push people away from seeing all of me.  I am happy and excited about where I have been and who I am at this very moment.  All I want to do is continue working on me and help, in any way I can, others to reach the place where who they are is absolutely perfect and exactly where they are supposed to be.

And so it continues.  I am 38 and I feel like I am just blossoming.  It is an amazing feeling and I am so excited to be able to share my journey.  Every step of the way.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sometimes I am brought to tears by the amount of love I have for each moment.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

Happy Birthday to us all.

xo

a

PS,  Here is a poem by my big brother Pharoah.  He is one of my favorite people.  I have adored him all of my life and still do.  If I had a choice everyone would know him.  A gift to the world he is.

By Choice

I have entered into this world by choice... With power in my voice...

to speak life into dreams... So excuse you, if I seem to be drifting on gold-plated streams... under purple skies showering sultry silver moon beams.

I can't help but live vicariously through me... See cause I'm just a young, old spirit... and if you listen to my heartbeat... You can hear it...that divine rhythm of life, Never ending, just bending time to redefine what time is.  And I live with an attitude of gratitude, thankful for this journey... One of many.  Cause I've been here before, and to other distant shores, in other galaxies... We are all connected, the Spirit has no boundaries.  The Divine Spirit is never bound... Spirit of limitlessness considers the universe its playground.  But in this realm, the Spirit knows itself as me... As we create songs together in our very own key.   So let us be... The Creator and me.   And the Creator and you... Can be, too.  Just know, like I, there is no limit.

Whatever I believe, is what I receive... So says the Divine Spirit.