growing up

All Grown Up

Howdy! Sometimes you feel like a kid, like everyone is going to see right through your grown-up body and realize that you are just pretending to know what is up, where to go, how to do this or that.  Sometimes you feel small and the world seems so big and you just want someone to take care of you.  Sometimes you feel lost and lonely and believe that you are alone.  You have learned to pretend, you have learned to fake being an adult (whatever that is) and mature but every now and then the masquerade becomes a bit overwhelming and you just want a break.  Sometimes you are tired.

We are rarely kind to each other around the very things we ourselves go through.  It is amazing how we will see someone doing something that society has deemed inappropriate and we will judge it all over the place.  We will decide that we are better because we don't have the same issues (or no one knows about our issues).  We will decide that we are more enlightened or smarter, more spiritual, kinder, etc. because of someone else is demonstrating human qualities that we would rather hide.  If at these moments of self-righteousness we could remember feeling small, feeling like we didn't know it all, and relating to 'being found out'  we could be better at connecting, stronger in supporting and brighter in our show of compassion.

What are you afraid of others knowing about you?  What have you been taught to judge as wrong that you, yourself do?  How does that make you connect or disconnect from others?  Do you find yourself putting someone else down who has similar secrets. Often we do this to distract from our own shadow.  Point the finger at someone else feeling small so that you don't bring attention to your own insecurities.  The thing is, we can embrace feeling like we are faking it.  We can accept that we have faked it before and that being a grown up isn't what we have been taught and that there aren't hard and fast rules that one must follow.

When you accept that you feel small, alone, lonely and phony you will be able to communicate to others and find out how not alone you actually are.  Your fear becomes less scary and less exhausting.  We all understand what it is like to feel unprepared for life.  We all understand what it feels like to be overwhelmed and unsure.  We just have to call it up when we are with others who are feeling that way so that we can remember to be understanding and accepting instead of being judgmental and condemning.

Love each other… love yourself.

xo

a

Direct Yourself

Howdy! When is the last time you tried to tell someone what to do without being asked for help?  How did that work for you?  Sometimes we get caught up in the idea that our lives should be emulated by others we feel don't have their lives 'together' or are directionless.  You have heard, and may have even said, that so and so should have their own place by now or should have some idea of what they want to do… etc.  Who the hell said?  Too often the biggest issue we have isn't doing what we are supposed to be doing, but doing what others think we are supposed to be doing.  It isn't that difficult to figure out what you want when everyone else leaves you the hell alone. :)

So many folks who have "direction" as they say feel that everyone should be where they are.  They also believe that their direction means that they are good and that others without what they define as direction are not as good.  Some folks that are subjected to this type of pressure will buck it altogether.  Others jump aboard the direction train that leads them to someone else's dream instead of finding their own.  What if they were went in the direction their heart and soul led them instead of where their big brother or sister persuaded them to go?

The funniest, and saddest in my opinion, part is that the ones who are giving the advice to those who don't seem to be running the same race, is that those folks don't have their sh*t together either.  When someone has their ducks in a row, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, they aren't at all interested in persuading others to do what they do.  They are interested in finding out what is going on for others out of love and curiosity.  The idea of pushing someone in one direction or another, the idea of having a deadline for figuring out the rest of your life, and the idea that they would know what someone else is supposed to do more than that person themselves is not even had.  Those who want to direct others without permission are usually not doing a bang up job on themselves.

If you are one of the directionless or haven't figured out your dream or dreams do your best to not let others opinions cloud your intuition.  You will know when you know.  We are not meant to all walk the same way, dress the same way, talk, think, love, work, etc.  We are not to be carbon copies.  We are not to live the life that someone else wants to live.  We are here for our own personal purpose.  It is your responsibility to figure it out or not.  Life is to be experienced, enjoyed, lived.  Go. Do. Be.

xo

a

Happy Birthday To Me!

Happy Wednesday! I am having a stellar day and it is still morning.  I woke at 5 this morning after having super active dreams, all good.  I had a 6am class at FlyWheel that I was looking forward to.  I wore lots of sequins :)  When I arrived, my bike was decorated with sparkly stars and lots of ribbon.  The mirror had a special message on it for me.  I felt loved.  Most of the staff woke up to take my class, which is amazing!  I feel love.  Two of my regulars showed up for the 6am after taking my class last night just to celebrate me.  I am love.

Before I left and after dancing around and feeling the excitement of being, I was asked some questions about age and what I have learned over my lifetime.  It was a gift to share it with Manny and Caroline and now I will share it with you.

I was light when I was young.  Shining bright, loving all that existed.  I remember the feeling of being absolutely happy all of the time.  I wanted to run, play, watch TV, read, talk, listen, dance, cook, jump, run, laugh, be passionately.  I did everything with joy.  I even pretended to be injured (to get out of cleaning up) with excitement.  I saw everyone as connected to me, as a part of me and I loved freely.  I was always a leader and enjoyed being a decision maker.  I have always known what I loved and was lucky enough to have a mother that told me that I had the right to have my own opinion and to question everything; to make up my own mind.  I was told everyday that I was the best, the most, the yummiest.  When parents worry about telling their children these truths I sometimes feel sad.  The world will work hard to trip you up, the least a mom and dad can do is build their children up to be strong enough to withstand the impact of life.  I should say that I was also told everything else as well.  I was given rules, I had responsibility and I was told about the world and the people in it with no sugar-coating.  Instead of being told what to do I was given examples and then allowed to make my own choices. I believe children are smarter than us and can handle honesty in a way that we feel isn't nice because we have learned to lie as we have grown up.  We have become very fragile and afraid emotionally… and that is learned.  So just as we learn how to be offended we can learn to be open and strong.  I know that being told that I was both of those things helped me be who I am.

I spent my teenage years struggling in many ways.  I lived in North Carolina for a few years and was bullied incessantly.  It was a devastating time.  I learned about depression and desperation during those years.  I stopped believing in people on one level.  The world wasn't as shiny and I wasn't as happy.  These are experiences that I am grateful for.

I went to college and lived a full and fantastic 4 years.  I worked 58 jobs (not quite, but you get the picture) and knew everyone.  I was experiencing myself in a way that I hadn't before.  I was able to grow into leadership immediately and athletics came into my world.  I was falling in love with all of me.  A courtship that continues to this day.

In my 20's I knew that it was more important for me to love what I was doing than to make money.  So I loved work and was horribly poor.  I still have debt from that time period and I don't regret a moment.  I coached rowing while some of my friends became doctors or lawyers.  I remember being asked what I "really" did for work, often.  I used to get offended until I was told to answer with the excitement of being able to do what I love for my career.  Afterwards, when I was posed that question I answered with excitement, "I get to coach for a LIVING!!, Isn't that fantastic?!"  In my 20's I learned that most people don't know what they want, who they are and that age was a joke.  I also learned that nothing was what it seemed.

In my 30's I felt a sense of liberation.  I wasn't' a child anymore (or so I thought) and I could start living the life I thought I was supposed to.  Ha!  After my nephew passed I grew up in a way.  Everything shifted into an understanding that life was and is a big surprise most of the time.  We aren't here to figure it out, we are here to figure ourselves out.  When I think about how many people I tried to change, relationships I didn't foster, and experiences I had to repeat because I didn't get it the first time, I want to laugh.  Instead of focusing on what I could change I focused on the external.  I don't make that choice anymore.  I love life.  I love my life.  I love my friends and family.  I love the people who annoy the shit out of me.  I love my work.  I love being.  I appreciate so much, so much more.  I say thank you more often, not because I feel it more but because I am no longer ashamed of needing help.  I remember being ashamed of needing. I am no longer afraid to be human.  I am no longer in the mood to push people away from seeing all of me.  I am happy and excited about where I have been and who I am at this very moment.  All I want to do is continue working on me and help, in any way I can, others to reach the place where who they are is absolutely perfect and exactly where they are supposed to be.

And so it continues.  I am 38 and I feel like I am just blossoming.  It is an amazing feeling and I am so excited to be able to share my journey.  Every step of the way.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sometimes I am brought to tears by the amount of love I have for each moment.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

Happy Birthday to us all.

xo

a

PS,  Here is a poem by my big brother Pharoah.  He is one of my favorite people.  I have adored him all of my life and still do.  If I had a choice everyone would know him.  A gift to the world he is.

By Choice

I have entered into this world by choice... With power in my voice...

to speak life into dreams... So excuse you, if I seem to be drifting on gold-plated streams... under purple skies showering sultry silver moon beams.

I can't help but live vicariously through me... See cause I'm just a young, old spirit... and if you listen to my heartbeat... You can hear it...that divine rhythm of life, Never ending, just bending time to redefine what time is.  And I live with an attitude of gratitude, thankful for this journey... One of many.  Cause I've been here before, and to other distant shores, in other galaxies... We are all connected, the Spirit has no boundaries.  The Divine Spirit is never bound... Spirit of limitlessness considers the universe its playground.  But in this realm, the Spirit knows itself as me... As we create songs together in our very own key.   So let us be... The Creator and me.   And the Creator and you... Can be, too.  Just know, like I, there is no limit.

Whatever I believe, is what I receive... So says the Divine Spirit.