self-worth

Not Shaken, Not Stirred

Hi there, What happens for you when someone doesn't like you; how do you handle rejection, perceived or real?  You can tell a lot about where you are in terms of self-love, self-worth and self-esteem when you look at how you handle rejection.  Do you feel that you aren't good enough?  Do you feel like your world won't be the same if you aren't loved or accepted by others?  Do you feel shaken to the core if things don't fit into your idea of comfortable? When you have to talk yourself down off of the ledge on a regular basis; when you are driving yourself crazy imagining things that you are afraid of happening or when you feel like you won't actually be ok without the attention of others or another it is time for a paradigm shift.

How you view your world, what you think is cause and effect, how you behave, where you place your faith, essentially your worldview is your paradigm. When you shift it you have to change, well, everything.  The shift may not be something you have to do piecemeal, however.  You can, when you recognize your world isn't working for you in it's present state, shift one thing, one bit of understanding of the world and shift everything else… basically like a domino effect.  In a world where you are shaken because of other's feelings about you, you believe that you aren't enough, that you must have outside validation to be ok.  You cannot imagine being happy alone.  The idea of you being your most important person is a concept not a reality.  You may never have truly had a center or feel grounded.  It is a world where you feel like you need to control others so that your feelings don't spin out of control.  Your way of controlling may seem like love, care-taking, being helpful… but the ultimate expectation is for you to not be left, not be alone, to be liked.

There are an infinite number of ways to change what you are doing in order to do something else, no matter what.  The only thing that is truly mandatory is awareness that what you have been doing is no longer what you want to do.  You have to have desire.  Your desire to change has to be stronger than your fear of change.  Basically you need to be fed up with being unhappy, unsettled, shaken, panicky, controlling, desperate and needy.  You may have come to this realization through a pattern of failed relationships, friendships or your own lack of being able to get unstuck from a feeling that you can't articulate.  When you recognize that you want to be somewhere you have never been you will have to go about things in a way you never have.  You will have to go about things in an altogether new way.

Life is a mystery and everyday we get clues. Enjoy the search for your answers.

happiness-is-an-inside-job
happiness-is-an-inside-job

xo a

What's Good???

Good Morning!!! Tuesday Gratitude Practice is here!!!  How will you take what you are grateful for through the rest of your day?  This isn't just about writing it down and sending it back…  put it out there!  Let the world feel your appreciation!  Let's make a difference.    

This only  takes a few moments to do but gives to you for much, much longer.  So put down whatever you are doing and take a couple of minutes for yourself.  Every Tuesday morning I am going to ask you to write down 5 things that you are grateful for and email them to me (keep for yourself as well). What are you feeling gratitude around?  Here are mine for this week:

My Website www.coachaina.com. Soreness From Great Workouts. My Bed. Growth. Goals.

There are no right or wrong answers.  It is about what you are grateful for.   It is proven that doing this once a week for three months (actually just 9 weeks) makes you happier, healthier, exercise more and less sensitive to perceived slights.  You will sweat the small stuff less and focus on what really matters.

So… what are you waiting for???

Food for thought:

Being cold, unfeeling, impenetrable and aloof may seem like signs of security, that someone doesn't need other's approval or attention, yet it is more a sign of insecurity.  When you don't feel loved, lovable or loving you aren't going to readily accept those things in your life.  You push them away, pretending that they don't really matter (if you are good at spinning things) or you are depressed and present as desperate for anyone to give you attention and love.  Those extremes are signs of imbalance.  When you find the person who is basically a monk or the one that can never sleep alone you are looking at two sides of the same coin.  Insecurity makes you feel uncomfortable, brings up feelings that you'd rather get away from and is deeply tied into self-worth, esteem and love.

When you try to manage around your insecurity instead of dealing with it head on, pain and suffering ensue; usually for you.  Your feelings become distorted, because you are suppressing or distorting them yourself.  Your relationships are usually not fulfilling; and not only with others, but with yourself. Insecurity is insidious and doesn't allow you to feel at ease at all. There is always some sort of lack, dissatisfaction or uneasiness in your world when insecurity is allowed to live within.  Often those who are insecure are also victims in their world.  They find that things happen to them, that they don't have a say over their journey; it is like they are on a rollercoaster and cannot get off.

Insecurity isn't a life sentence, not at all.  You are absolutely capable of moving beyond it and finding your center.  It takes work, vigilance and desire. Loving yourself is the cure.  Not wearing nice clothing, working out, eating right, or getting rid of the dead weight (people, jobs or places) in your life isn't what I am talking about, only.  Those things are key to self-love, by the way, but the deep stuff, the self talk, belief, understanding that you are here and meant to be here.  That you matter, that you are a gift, a miracle.  When you understand, not know, but understand and believe these truths insecurity is left without oxygen to breathe.  When you recognize your divinity, your awesomeness you are no longer bruised by life's ups and downs, the fickleness of a lover, the dissatisfaction at a job.  You take it as a learning moment and move on.

Keep on keeping on… your time is here and you are doing what you need to in order to reach your soul's goal in this world.  I am proud of you.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

xo a

Listen Up!

Hey! This is an appeal coming directly from my heart and soul, please, please, please stop putting yourself down, abusing yourself, telling yourself you don't deserve this or that, being your own worst critic.  Please stop treating yourself like you don't matter, aren't worthy and are less than.  Please stop being the perfect example for emotional and physical abuse.  Please put an end to the constant and unrelenting tirade you wage against yourself daily.  We are all exhausted from pushing back, resisting that voice, giving into that voice, allowing ourselves to be stifled; our light dimmed.  It is no wonder why we are short and irritable with one another, we don't really have the energy to be light-hearted and easy-going when we are invalidated on a regular basis in some way.

The way that we mistreat ourselves comes in a myriad of ways.  So many, in reality, that it is hard to sometimes pinpoint how it is happening.  Often the best way to find out how we are treating ourselves is how we treat or think about others.  Are you short with others; understanding; impatient?  Do you believe that your way is the only way?  Do you have rage that comes out when you are driving or other places where you feel safe from the outside world?  Do you censor your thoughts?  Are there things you would never allow yourself to entertain even in your head?  Are you curious about yourself and others so much so that you ask questions until you can no longer drill the topic down?  Are you sometimes mean or irrational?  All that you project outward you direct inward, period.  You can do nothing to someone else that isn't done to you.  When you send out ill will you receive it as well.  When you refuse to be open you close off from yourself.  When you decide that there is no more than what you can see you will be blinded to so many amazing things that are just outside of your periphery.  When you are mean to others you are being mean, so mean to yourself and projection creates an amazing distraction.  You won't be distracted for long though.  At some point you will recognize the abuse.

Additionally, the abuse also happens in the direction of holding others up to high expectations and being disappointed in them; you are doing the same thing to yourself and feel justified for the disappointment because you have a lot of shoulds in your world.  When you are disappointed in another you are letting yourself down in some way and are triggered when it happens in, what most people call, reality.  Disappointment is a great way to discover how you punish yourself.  When you are disappointed in someone or let down or feel betrayed or believe that someone is plain wrong, you will find that you are feeling strong emotions towards yourself, most of which aren't supportive of your self-worth.  I know this may sound confusing for some… I mean, what does self-worth have to do with what anyone does to you?  Well… when you understand that you are deserving of all things, when you are a miracle that is fully and completely supported in an infinite number of ways without you ever having to "earn" it, you will also notice that the only time someone isn't supportive of you is when they aren't supporting themselves.  When you recognize your own worth you understand when someone else doesn't… and you don't take it personally when they behave accordingly.  Taking offense is a sign of lack of self-worth.

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I want you to think about these questions: Who deserves love?  Who deserves as much money as the universe can provide?  Should some people have less than others or more?  What makes someone deserving, in general?  Now listen, we all can agree to this:  when a child is born their very existence is enough to warrant everyone stopping to take care of them.  They are deserving, worthy and there is no question about it.  They don't need to earn love or do anything to be considered a miracle except to exist.  Well love, life and existence isn't like the stock market where you gain or lose over time.  You come into the world deserving of all, fully loved for being and you stay that way.  You are still that baby that came into existence.  Your lack of knowledge didn't matter when you were first born and it doesn't matter now.  You lack of ability didn't take away your right to deserve and nor does it now.  Just because you or  someone else decided to place a judgment on this or that doesn't make you less or more deserving than others.  Your being born is reason enough to hold yourself in hight esteem; to have reverence for.    You are worthy, you are deserving, you are love.  When you feed this truth everything else that takes away from it begins to starve.  You begin to see others for their light the more you shine yours.  

xo

a

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