A Vow to Self

"Behind all resistance is fear. Behind all fear is a lack of faith in oneself." ~Dina Bachelor Evan The thing that I love about marriage (besides not being married at the time I am writing this) is that it is a vow, an amazingly brave vow to take. It basically says that you will do the hard work it takes to learn, grow, be vulnerable, not hide, accept, love and support someone, even when you want to run away… it is, in truth a vow to your Self to work on you through your relationship to another. Marriage is a crazy beautiful ridiculous impossible rewarding thing, even when it doesn't work out. Vows are powerful and scary, beautiful and breathtaking, magical and mysterious. They matter when you make them and they matter when you break them. The truth is, many people don't ever imagine a time, when they are getting married, that they wouldn't want to be married to the person they are with, until it happens.

My father refuses to talk about death, scares him shitless. It is going to happen, to him, to me, to everyone that is alive. Death is a promise the moment you are conceived. It is the ONLY thing you can count on from the very beginning. Well, falling out of love with someone is the promise of falling in love with someone. What if, instead of avoiding the inevitable, everyone started discussing what they planned on doing when things get tough with their significant others, how they planned on moving through the struggle? What if we recognized that growth was inevitable and a potential 30, 40, 50 years with someone would yield at least 1-5 years of rough patch territory; seriously. A few years of struggle ain't so bad in the grand scheme of things. When you are looking at eons, a couple of years is a drop in the bucket. Besides, what is the point of getting married if you aren't going to do what you can when shit is going south? That is called dating and it is awesome because you can just get the hell out of dodge when someone is annoying. The downside to dating is that you can get the hell out of dodge when someone is annoying. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not one to tell anyone to stay in something that is shitty. On the contrary, I break up with friends when I feel that the friendship is no longer serving me in a healthy way. I know that everything ends. I know that what happens is what is meant to… so it goes. I do believe, however, if you have the chance to do your work, take it, especially when you made a promise to do so.

No matter how far away you go, you will still be where you are. Leaving one thing to go to the next doesn't actually solve the issue, which is always, my loves, you. No matter how much you would prefer the other person to be wrong, fucked up, and unworthy, you only see in another what you have within yourself. The best part of commitment is commitment. You will learn to stretch and grow and do more and go farther and suck it up in ways you would never if you weren't committed. It is like being committed to a workout plan as opposed to just working out when you feel like it. The part that is hard, really really hard is that you have to face the fact that the only way to make things better in your life is to truly love, cherish and honor yourself and that your understanding of how to do that is archaic and often just plain wrong. When you realize that you have to say the hard thing, do the hard work, and look deep inside and face the dark stuff, you may want to run. Wanting to flee is often a response to not wanting to see…. not wanting to see how you gave yourself away thinking you were taking care of your partner, when you were, in actuality, giving your power away to someone who was giving their power away too. Both partners feeling powerless and thinking that they are helping the other out in whatever way they thought they were supposed to, only to get angry and blame the other for their unhappiness at a later date. Relationships can force you, when pushed to their powerful potential, to deal with your Self, in ways you would never if given the chance to just cut and run. Of course, you don't have to deal, but the blessings that come when you do are immeasurable.

Now just because you work on your things and potentially heal your wounds with your partner does not mean you will remain partnered… your work together may be over after that, this healing may be exactly why you joined in a union to begin with. It is also the case that you must have a partner who is willing and ready to work on things in order to actually heal with them. If you have a partner who has given up you may need to move on. I have been there, I was married, have been in long term relationships, I get it. Nothing lasts forever, nothing ever could. My hope is that you receive all of the gifts an experience is here to give and from that place of strength make choices from your highest most ideal space to take your next beautiful steps.


Love, love and more love.

xo a

To Oba With Love

Howdy, I love my life.  I love my family and like them most of the time.  I value my relationships but haven't always shown that to each person in my family directly.  I come from a very unique family… don't we all?  Among the 7 children there are two fathers and 6 mothers.  Despite the number of adults in the family, the children have never questioned their belonging to one another.  We are brothers and sisters period.  I have never understood what being a half this or half that meant.  We have a lot of cousins a lot of extended family that may or may not be blood related to everyone… but we are family and we love each other without reservation.

Tomorrow, one of my brothers is about to be married.  Oba is 10 months younger and a touch shorter ;) hehe.  He and I, at the moment, are the same age.  There was a time when he told all of his friends that we were twins… that stopped when we turned 30… he was happy for me to be older at that point.  We have always been close as brothers and sisters go.  There have been times in my life where I wanted to be closer.  Times where I longed for a bit more info on what his life was like.  He is a boy and as such doesn't spend a ton of time chatting on the phone about his life with his sister, yet.  I have a feeling that is gonna change as we grow and I am looking forward to that.  He is one of my favorite people and just a super sweet human being.  Everyone loves him, seriously.  You can't not.  He is just worth it.  There has always been love, lots of love between us and mutual respect.

I remember when Oba and I were young and he would follow me around annoying the sh*t out of me.  I would run down a hallway and he would race me in a race I didn't know I had started.  He wanted to be better in some ways than me and I didn't understand what the deal was.  My father told me that it was a form of flattery, a looking up to of sorts.  I quickly began to appreciate his annoyance as admiration and love, thank goodness, otherwise I would have wanted to beat him up.  Our family expects wonderful things from all of the children.  Our being smart isn't amazing but it is appreciated.  Oba knew all the capitals to all of the states and square roots when he was around 6 or younger.  He was always ahead in school but clueless in the details of things.  I could visit after an absence of a year and he would ask me where his socks were.  His singing voice, though much better now, was unbelievably flat when we were kids, yet we belted out Sade like we were stars, any chance we got.  We had fun growing up, hanging out, being together.  Summer days in New York were sometimes spent lounging all over one another and watching TV.  We are all very loving and tactile.  It is something I appreciate more and more as I grow up.  We touch and hug and show affection.  So many people are out of touch, so to speak.  

Now, he is getting married.  He waited until he fell in love, truly, and that waiting did him well.  His bride-to-be is everything I could have wanted in a sister-in-law and her mother is amazing too (love you Toni).  I am excited to see him grow our family and grow as a person in this love.  He is more open, more communicative and smarter for it.  He is truly someone I adore.  We have a lot more years to be in this life as brother and sister and I am excited to see where it takes us.

We don't always realize how important people in our lives are, especially those who have been around for the majority of it.  We wait until something pulls us apart to recognize the value in it being held together.  I have been that person too.  Everyday is a new opportunity to value the relationships in my life, whether they are new or forever.  Who in your world would smile if you let them know, without expectation, that you loved them absolutely?