Use Your Words

Hi there,

One of the most important things you can do for someone is believe them.  You can believe that they mean what they say.  You can hold them to their word.  You can stop trying to read their mind.  Communication of your needs is something you begin to learn at a very young age.  You learn how to say what you want first by crying.  You cry and your parents try to figure out if it is food or holding or something else that you need.  When you learn how to speak you begin the journey of speaking your wants and needs.  This is not always an easy or well designed journey.  Depending on your environment and your parents' ability to guide you through this process, you may or may not truly learn how to say what you want, need or think.  For some you may never be validated in your wants or needs so you stop wanting out loud.  For others, your every move may be attended to, so you don't learn how to ask and instead you learn to expect.  Most people don't learn that they are in charge of getting their needs met by communicating them clearly because of how they learned communication as a child.  We all have carried our learned communication styles into adulthood.

So now you are grown.  You need this or that and from what you have learned, those needs are meant to be met by someone else.  You have learned to say the opposite of what you mean, not what you mean at all, or nothing and hope that someone figures it out.  You may not ever say out loud that you want your mind read, but your behavior around not getting what you want says just that.  You expect someone to understand your needs without you ever stating what they are.  You are basically asking everyone else to do your work for you.  Your desire is for someone, besides you, to figure you out.  You want to be treated like a child without language in one way and, when you do state your needs, however indirect, you would like to be understood.  

Use your words.  Stop expecting.  It isn't nice.  Stop saying what you don't mean and being upset when your words aren't interpreted correctly.  Stop being an infant when it comes to communication.  Stop crying when you really need to state what is happening.  You are an adult.  You have the ability to read a book, seek therapy, figure your stuff out.  The truth of the matter is, that is your job:  YOU.  Making sure your needs are met is your basic job description.  Communicating those to others well, is learned but par for the course as well.  You are capable, no matter how traumatic your upbringing.  You are worthy, no matter how few people cared about you as a child.  It is possible to take responsibility for yourself regardless of your age.  

Additionally, stop doing things for others without them asking for it.  Though it seems sweet, it is actually pretty detrimental to their development.  Asking each of the people in your life to communicate their needs, and then holding them to that, is the most amazingly freeing thing… Now, there will be push back.  There will be those who refuse and some who leave.  Communication is everything.  How you communicate determines the types of relationships you have.  Changing it changes the relationships.  However, once you begin to say what you want, need and think you are going to want to be around others who do the same.  Doing your own work makes doing the work of others less appealing.  

When you begin to take responsibility for yourself you will desire the same in others.  It starts with you.  Now, imagine that world, where we all said what we meant, meant what we said, and didn't want our minds read?  Imagine the lack of misunderstanding, the clarity of needs being stated and the opportunities to meet those said needs.  When you use your words you get us all closer to this.

xo

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