Death

If It Ain't Broke...

Hi there, Last night my dear friend David Zarza had a book reading.  His book, When Spirits Call tells his story as a psychic medium.  In his book he recalls readings he has given, including one I initiated to connect my sister and her son Miles.  My sister was at the reading as well so we were able to talk about our experience and give tidbits that weren't in the book to the audience.  She and I are good at telling stories together, we have chemistry when it comes to relaying information.  A talk show may need to happen, you never know. At any rate, there came a place in my retelling where I was immediately flooded with emotion.  I am brought to the very moment again and again every time I tell the story of seeing my sister for the first time after I found out that my nephew has died.  Hmm, before we go there, I want to give you some background.

I am a fixer.  I fix broken faucets, garbage cans, pens, furniture, people :)  Though I don't consider people broken, fractured maybe, but not broken.  In my home, growing up, I was the translator between my mom and my sister.  They didn't communicate very well with one another.  Their's was a volatile relationship in so many ways.  I, being pretty different from them both, was able to understand what they were both seeking so I did my best to communicate for them to one another.  It helped on one level and on another it kept them from figuring it out for themselves.  I am appreciative of all of my years of training because that work I did as a child to young adult is a part of the framework of what I do now for a living.  However, before I understood that what I did was a career I practiced coaching everyone I ever dated.  Everyone that I was romantically linked to left the relationship fitter, more aware and with more love for themselves than when they entered.  I cannot help but improve my surroundings, it is what I do and for a long time it is what I thought I was supposed to do.  If I could make it better then I would.  Well, not everything and everyone is here for me to fix…and not everyone or everything can be.  I learned this truth because there was one time that I wasn't able to fix anything.

I walked into the dark motel room where my sister was sitting on the far side of the bed, it had been about 24 hours since Miles had died.  Her first words to me were, "I'm sorry."  It was then that I knew there was nothing about this experience that would be fixable.  I was devastated to hear her take responsibility for his soul's journey.  I was horrified to see that a large part of her had gone under with him that day.  I was not going to be able to fix it… there was nothing I could do to get her to feel differently than she did, think differently, speak differently.  I could not, for the life of me, take her feelings away.  Sowande was on this journey and all I could truly do was watch.  This for me, was/is the hardest part, so far of my nephew dying: my sister's pain.  

I learned, quickly, that a part of my living through losing my nephew was about letting people be where they are.  My sister was in a place that I had no access to, after MIles died, so I wasn't going to be able to talk her through and back to anything.  I was certain of that.  I have never really taken responsibility for others.  I know that we feel what we feel based on our own discernments and judgments.  You cannot make someone feel differently than they do, though I am sure you, as most do, try your damnedest to do so.  

You may not even realize you are doing it when you do, but I am sure you have a hard time letting someone be in pain when they are in it; and I don't mean pain like getting hit by a car, but pain that is emotional.  You may not hear yourself actually tell someone to not feel a certain way.  Hugging someone can actually be a way for us to stop someone from feeling what they are feeling.  When you reach out and pull someone in, they are no longer in the place they were in.  To both of you this may seem like the point, but for learning and self-soothing, crying or being where you are can be beneficial to moving through it.  I never want to be hugged or touched when I am in the middle of strong emotional feeling.  I want to feel it.  Within the intensity there is information.  I want to access it so that I can move the hell on.  :)   We judge pain as bad.  We want only happy feelings and none that are sad.  This is crazy talk and I knew that the pain my sister was in would remain until it was gone, or shifted in some way… I also knew that I was and am not responsible for it.

Where are you trying to take responsibility for another in your life?  How is that helping to keep you from taking responsibility for yourself and your treatment of you?  The first step is waking up… becoming aware… noticing how you are.  Try to let others be where they are.  You can love and support them without trying to take their feelings away.  

xo

a

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Ending and Beginning

Howdy, Relationships are so rich with so much information it is hard to know where to start when I begin writing about any aspect of them.  I mean, relationships are life after all and there is just so much life all around.  Then I remember that I say one phrase almost every day to someone, "no good relationship comes to an end."  In all honesty, it is what I want everyone to think about when they are either breaking up or in a relationship that is heading that direction.  Breaking up is painful on so many levels, but it doesn't have to be… I promise you.  Yes, you will lose what is familiar and what is comfortable.  Yes you will have to adjust to a new way of life without that relationship… but leaving something that wasn't good… well, that is awesome!  

Two people do not sit around and think how f*cking amazing their relationship is and then decide to break-up.  It isn't like anyone has said, "oh my goodness, I am just so happy and this is just so great I have to get away from it.  I cannot be in this great relationship any longer."  Umm, yeah, no.  If you are wanting out there is good reason.  At the same time, when you are wanting out and finally say so, that is a big deal.  Ending what you initially wanted to last forever (most people don't get in a relationship and look forward to the ending before anything is not working) says you have given it some thought, lots of thought, and you have decided that it isn't what you want.

I feel that people's desires need to be respected.  I have been dumped plenty of times, thank goodness.  I, at no point, imagine that someone should hang onto me because of anything other than their desire to.  When that wanes I would prefer for them to let me go.  I don't desire anyone "sticking it out" with me for the sake of my awesomeness… seriously.  I want mutual joy, love, and respect.  The issue is, for most of us, we get used to our relationships being sh*tty.  We dream of something that isn't, the future, and we ignore the messed up present.  We put all of our stock in things working out when the moment you are in it isn't.  Relationships aren't always ecstasy bringing, but you need to be happy and not hoping for change in order to truly sustain one.  

Do you want your relationship to end in a blaze of hell fire?  Well, be someone you aren't, never speak your mind, never ask the hard questions of your partner, stop having sex, stop taking care of yourself (or never start), imagine you are too good to be left, think that your partner needs you too much to let you go, put your hopes and dreams away somewhere and pretend like they don't exist.  

Do you want your relationship to survive?  Well, don't most of us… the best thing to do is to be honest with yourself and then with your partner.  Tell them the truth of who you are and what you can an cannot hold.  Be authentic and stay present.  This is all a journey and it takes twists and turns… some are fun and some are not.  They all can be learning experiences and survivable.

For anyone going through a breakup I send love and peace and strength.  This is not bad, it is necessary… you will love again.

xo

a

dripheart

Miles To Go...

Hiya, On this day seven years ago I had been living in Seattle for 9 days.  My girlfriend and I had just moved from New York and were awaiting my sister and nephew's arrival.  They lived in Arizona and were relocating to Seattle so that we could build our empire.  We weren't totally sure what the empire would be but we were going to do it together.  On this day seven years ago my nephew passed away.  He drowned.  It was and it one of the most significant moments in my life.  Sarah and I were running with the Seattle Running Company Run Group and upon our return I had a voicemail message.  It is so funny how different phones are now. Seven years seems like an eternity for electronics and their development.  But I digress… I had three voicemails actually and knew that something was amiss.  I just had this feeling.  I assumed that the tragedy that was seemingly imminent involved an older family member… not my 8-year-old baby.  

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In the seven years since my family has been up and down in their grief… I have made decisions that were clouded by the urge to live after a death that was so intense and paralyzed by the fear of having to repeat any part of that experience.  In the past seven years I have grown beyond any plan I could have had for myself.  I feel lucky to have been in Seattle during this time.  It is a spiritually open place and for that I am grateful.  I appreciate this day each year, it always has more to show and share.

Last year, on the sixth anniversary of his death I asked my friend and client Psychic Medium David Zarza to give my sister a reading in the hopes that we would connect with Miles.  At that time the past six years had been like a slow-growing cancer for us.  Our relationship had been strained.  I felt and still do, that watching my sister die over her loss was far worse than my nephew's drowning.  I have a view of life and death that is neither sad nor tragic… I do feel stronger about not embracing the moment than what is to be expected if you are among the living: death.  So seeing my sister deteriorate, blame, be helpless, in my eyes, was beyond painful.  I still struggle with a way to describe how difficult it was for me.  I will keep trying… the words are in me, the feelings are still present.   

During the reading Miles came through.  He discussed his death, what he saw and felt and that there was no mistake in any of it.  All was as it was meant to be.  He had a little message for me but ultimately the message was of profound love and gratitude for his mother.  She had never left him, even after his passing.  It was and still is amazing to me, what she did.  My sister gave up half of herself to keep him safe even when his body was no longer necessary, even when he was on another plane.  Just because your child dies doesn't mean you are no longer a mother.  The reading opened up a new chapter in our lives and this past year has seen growth and movement towards love in a better way.  Healing is happening.

So, on this day, a year later, I want to send love to Miles, my sister and everyone who has ever lost anyone, will lose anyone or feels lost themselves.  You are where you are supposed to be… this thing, life, is one heck of a ride.  You are here so you are ready.  Take nothing for granted and nothing too serious.  This is all temporary… all of it.  Nothing stays and nothing needs to.  Enjoy the beauty of the impermanence of all… that fleetingness is what makes things so invaluable.   

xo

a

ps If you would like to read about the reading my sister and I had with David Zarza his book When Spirits Call is about to be released soon.  You can read the details of the reading (as well as other readings he has done) and how, a few months later, we were affected by it.  

 

Give In & Let Go

Howdy there, Cry.  Let it out.  Feel, stretch, grow, learn, mourn, let go.  This is what is happening right now for many people.  Emotional and spiritual death and rebirth…  You are growing, you are changing, you are shedding what isn't serving you anymore and moving forward.  Something big, something wonderful, something new is waiting for you.  It truly is simple, this change, this new life you are creating, but it isn't without complications.  Letting go of what you know is hard, and sometimes painful.  Ultimately it is a blessing and you will be thankful, at some point.

One of the biggest hurdles to this progress is the fact that we are attached to what we have and how we are living now.  Regardless of our happiness around our lives, we know what our life is about.  We know our routines, our agendas, our friends, our significant other, our home, our pets our everything.  With this knowing comes comfort and a feeling of stability and security.  When something threatens that, even if it is in our best interest, we balk, resist, defend, freak out and hang on.  Sometimes things have to get truly devastating for us to take a different look, for us to let go.  Sometimes we have to be forced into the very change we have secretly prayed for during years and years of being in pain on deep levels.  Sometimes we don't recognize the gift of the change we are receiving as an answer to our prayers because we weren't aware that we were 1) praying and 2) discontent due to being asleep.  

Awareness is a big deal and not that common.  Most people are walking around asleep, going through the motions, unaware of their own feelings, motivations, reasons…so when this awakening happens it can be really painful and really profound.  Imagine thinking that everything was ok only to find out that you don't fit in your life anymore.  You are no longer where you thought you wanted to be… and you don't really know what you want anymore.  Imagine being in a foreign country where you don't speak the language and you have to find a way to get food and shelter.  Imagine how lonely you would feel.  How lost.  The challenge comes with letting go of what you knew to be true.  The challenges include not judging the fact that you have changed and that this change will affect all of your relationships; some will end, others will change and new ones will form.    

If you have found yourself here, in what seems to be an abyss, you are in the middle of an amazing growth spurt… an awakening to your self that is without judgment, that is no longer burdened with past hurts, that no longer hold on to what doesn't serve you.  You are opening up to love, true love, the love of your self that allows you to have true love for everyone else.  This is a breaking open not a breaking down. This is the shift and it is happening all around and will continue.  At some point embrace it,  It will happen whether you go kicking and screaming or gracefully acquiesce.  

xo

a

Clarity of Death

Hiya, I am someone who is extremely directed.  I have a strong sense of knowing, always have.  If you were to look at my astrological chart it is obvious that this self-awareness is written in the stars.  I was born this way.  I don't have to effort my knowing, it just is.  Recently I have been in a place where I know something big is happening… something that I cannot get clear on and it has been absolutely jarring for me.  I have been efforting around figuring one thing out and it has taken up a lot of mental space.  Again, this is not usual.  I had been exhausted with the confusion I was feeling.  Then, my cat passed away. 

About 5.5 years ago I walked into PAWS and hung out in the kitten room.  There was this little gray ball of fur that was so striking.  Me, being someone who admits to her love of aesthetics, immediately was drawn to her beauty.  I picked her up and she seemed to be very comfortable in my hands.  I placed her in my lap where she got comfortable and fell asleep.  She stayed in my lap for about an hour.  During this time several people asked if I was planning on keeping her.  She stood out, she was adorable and pretty.  I let everyone know that she wasn't an orphan anymore.  I was told to pick her up the next day after I made the adoption official.  The next day she'd have nothing to do with me… she totally tricked my ass into falling in love and then, her work done, she could resume to being a little asshole that she always was, to me.  She was lovely to most everyone else.  

From that point forward she became my baby.  Then, she died.  She had a tendency to eat things that weren't food, like plastic bags… the kind that veggies are placed in or the ones they used to give before plastic bags were banned.  I tried my damnedest to keep them away from her.  She found ways, she had her ways.  She also ate dust bunnies and string… I always thought about her being the trainer's, who has never done drugs, secret addict child.  This addiction to eating stupid sh*t killed her.  She was a rebel… there are so many stories that I could tell… the main thing is, she was loved by many and loved me unconditionally, except when I moved the wrong way when she was sitting on my lap, then her love was conditional ;)  

Her passing gave me a clarity that I needed.  Death is an awakening for me.  It doesn't confuse or cause turmoil in that way for me.  On the contrary, it makes things laser sharp, super easy to see, and clears up muddy waters for me.  Losing Tabitha gave me courage and allowed me to work on sitting, confidently, in my insecurity of not knowing.  It opened me up to accepting love from everywhere in a way that I needed.  Her passing has been a big sign for me to risk a bit more.  Life is short, death is mandatory, live now.  It also reminded me to accept what I cannot change.  I cannot change this time of knowing I am not supposed to know a few things right now.  I have lived a charmed life in the way of knowing things for certain so easily and have forgotten how to wait for the great stuff.  And it is great, what I am waiting for.  And, during this waiting, I am shifting, growing, learning, and knowing other things about others and about myself.  

I am not who I was two months ago… this is truth. Sitting here in this space I am in is like going in super slow motion after moving as fast as a plant growing with time lapsed footage.  It can be challenging.  But it is what it is and I am busy, still growing, still becoming who I am every moment of every day.  Sometimes the not knowing is the gift.  The waiting is the lesson and the outcome is not the point.  I am ok with the work I am doing right now however and I am using the life of Tabbers as a guide to living life in general.  She was confident, irreverent, happy, and gorgeous all of the time.  So I am going to live how she did… sleep when and where I want, sit in the laps of my loved ones until they annoy me, eat when and how much I feel like, and play whenever the fancy hits me.  

Enjoy your days, for they are numbered.  

It is true people!

xo

a

What's Good???

Good Morning!!! Tuesday Gratitude Practice is here!!!  How will you take what you are grateful for through the rest of your day?  This isn't just about writing it down and sending it back…  put it out there!  Let the world feel your appreciation!  Let's make a difference.  

This only  takes a few moments to do but gives to you for much, much longer.  So put down whatever you are doing and take a couple of minutes for yourself.  Every Tuesday morning I am going to ask you to write down 5 things that you are grateful for and email them to me (keep for yourself as well).  What are you feeling gratitude around?  Here are mine for this week:

Tabitha, my favorite baby girl kitty.

Drugs that put my Tabbers out of misery quickly.

Breaker.

Carnwath.

Keach.  

There are no right or wrong answers.  It is about what you are grateful for.   It is proven that doing this once a week for three months (actually just 9 weeks) makes you happier, healthier, exercise more and less sensitive to perceived slights.  You will sweat the small stuff less and focus on what really matters.

So… what are you waiting for???

Food for thought:

Losing someone you love is so f*cking annoying.  I remember when my nephew died I just couldn't believe it.  Then it was that I couldn't believe nothing could be done to reverse the situation.  Then it was just what the f*ck??!!  Losing Tabitha has been this frustrating thing for me.  I just had no desire for her to be gone.  I am simply not in the mood to lose my baby kitty.  Life isn't about waiting for your mood to be just so, however, and it isn't always what you would want to happen that happens.  Nope, sometimes you are literally just observing shit.

I am in a place where I don't yet know why she passed.  I don't know what the universe wants me to know about her leaving.  I know that it was her time, it was destined on some level for her to be gone now, but what am I to get out of it… well I think I may need to give it a few more days to settle and then maybe the reasons will begin to flood in.  

There is one thing, I believe, this has done for me.  I feel fearless on some levels, once again.  When Miles passed I remember feeling like the worst thing that could happen had happened, so what did I have to worry about ever again.  As time has passed the feeling of Miles' passing isn't as intense or raw and my feelings of fearlessness aren't as dramatic.  With Tabbers leaving I am feeling like all bullshit in my life (Imean all people who are full of it) need to get to steppin'.  Seriously.  I believe, at this very moment, Tabbers being gone makes me want, even more fervently, quality in my world.  She was the top of the top of animals.  Beautiful, smart, funny, loving, crazy as hell, sneaky, super quick, Whodini kitty (as one of my best friend's pointed out) and mine.  Her being gone makes me realize, even deeper than I live it, how important having quality in my world is.

You and I deserve the best, period.

xo

a