Thought Patterns

You Know

Hello! There is a voice inside of all of us… a knowing that we either are aware of and ignore or listen to… or it is so muffled we have a hard time believing that it exists at all.  Our lives are filled with rules.  Societal and personal, moral and random.  We have stuffed our own free will and instinct in a box and have allowed what goes on outside to lead the way for us.  We have spent so much time taking direction from outside, being told what is or isn't true.  If we were tapped into our knowing as a child we were quickly pushed out of it.  If we saw something that the grown-ups didn't see then it didn't exist.  We knew that fairies were in the back yard and for a while the adults may have humored us, but at some point we were told to grow up.  In this society growing up means ignoring what happens internally in order to fit into the external world in a way that isn't distracting, creative, disruptive, abnormal, extraordinary or outside of the box.  The idea of believing something that hasn't been proven by some guys in white coats means you are weird, or different or "woo woo."   By the way, those guys in the white coats don't know shit usually (or anymore than anyone else)… it's true.  They are usually taking direction.

How is anything understood?  How do we recognize the world?  Who says one person sees it better than another or can understand it more?  We may not see it in the same way but it doesn't mean that we don't see it, or understand it.  When we let go of a right or wrong, should or shouldn't, yes or no and allow all things to be we are better able to see.  When we let go of the hierarchy or who has the connection to the source of all, who is tapped into the universe and who isn't we find our own direct line.  When we decide that we know, we know.  When we practice trusting ourselves we take all of the life that we have as purposeful and personal.  When we stop comparing our footsteps on the path with others, we are better able to see the road signs and the flowers and the scenery along the way on our own journey.  When we stop forcing our attention and begin paying attention our voice has more of a chance to speak up and be heard.

The journey to knowing is different for everyone, however, discipline is indeed called upon in just about every case.  Discipline over your thoughts, allowing what you want to hold truth as being and being diligent about nothing else permeating, for a period of time.  When a thought that takes you away from your goal (knowing) comes up, having a way to pull yourself out of going into that thought and back into your knowing is necessary.  For example, when a thought comes up for me that isn't my truth (that I am where I am supposed to be) I begin to sing.  I don't have time to allow thoughts in that undermine my knowing.  In my quiet moments, in the moments where the only focus is on me by myself, nothing is "wrong" or out of balance.  So if I perceive things being out of balance I can quickly balance them by thinking differently.  Those thoughts and those feelings around those thoughts change what I see and experience internally and externally.

So, start with you.  Your thoughts.  Your knowing is there, waiting for you to turn the volume up and listen to it speak… teach… love.

xo

a

Sense of Safety

"Safety always comes from inside-not outside of-you." ~Dina Bachelor Evan Howdy,

We spend a lot of time figuring out ways to feel safe and secure.  We wear our seat belts, we read our exit row safety cards, we ask for people to make promises.  The truth is the only way to feel safe, to be safe, is to know that you are always ok.  You are always supported.  Knowing that, even when life isn't as you would desire it to be, you are exactly where you need to be, doing and experiencing exactly what you need to experience to move you to the next place, phase, level of your existence is where you may need to start shifting your viewpoint.  Your feeling of security and safety, when taken from the outside world, is always tentative.  When you find that security and safety from within it is untouchable.  You will be able to take on any sunny day or perfect storm feeling as ok as any other moment in your life.  Safety isn't something you find, it is something you remember, recognize and reignite.

Feeling a strong sense of being ok doesn't mean you feel like no harm will ever come to you.  On the contrary, you know that anything is possible in this human body and accept that no harm is coming to you right now.  If harm did show up you would deal with it then an.  Safety is being aware, conscious of the moment… knowing what you can control and knowing what you cannot, and accepting all of it.  Boundaries aren't only what you create between you and the world around you, it is also how you deal with your internal world.  How you manage your feelings, perceptions, emotions, expectations and thoughts.  When you set a boundary that only allows an understanding that you are whole and supported living the life you were meant to, life becomes quite a bit easier.  Shutting out fears around being safe will allow you to see how protected and cared for you actually are.  After all, most of the time you are taken care of, right?  You have been ok most of the time… when the thoughts we have don't support this fact we are slammed with anxiety, fear, dread.  When we forget that we are rarely in danger we live as if it were a constant threat.

When we recognize that safety comes from inside and that we can nurture it, just like we do love, joy grows, safety grows, we become much more giving to others.  Feeling safe gives us permission to be more of who we are, to heal the areas that we need healing, and it gives permission for others to do the same.  Finding that ability to create safety within ourselves means that you are no longer looking for someone or something (which will always change and let you down) to do it for you.  You aren't waiting on your White Knight to rescue you and protect you… instead you are your own savior, your own knight-in-shining armor (or sparkling amor for me).

One way to begin remembering that sense of self, safety, is to affirm it regularly.  Another step is understanding that we are not our bodies, we are so much more, and that more is always ok.

xo

a

Why Jealousy?

Holler! Jealousy, ahhh, good god, what is it good for?  Absolutely nuthin', say it again!!

Man, I have been jealous before… and every time there was good reason.  It was a loud signal to get the heck out of the relationship.  When I have felt jealous there were a lot of other things that weren't working in the relationship, and, for me, jealousy was a great way to sound the alarm.  The only issue is I learned all of these truths for myself because I stayed in the relationships until they imploded sometime later.

Jealousy is defined as an emotion that refers to negative thoughts, feelings of insecurity, fear and anxiety over the anticipated loss of something that someone values… usually in reference to a human connection.  Inadequacy, anger, resentment and helplessness often accompany jealousy!! Oooh, sounds so yummy, doesn't it?  Thought this description is rather unappealing to me, I have heard many people say that jealousy is actually pretty healthy, or "I kinda like when my partner is jealous."  WTF???  Ok, I get you want to be desired, but to have someone in your life that feels anger, inadequacy, resentment?  Really?  I would have to say I would rather see what was behind door number 2 than have a jealous partner.  Maybe I will win a new car…

In my past relationships where jealousy came up the trust was destroyed in my relationship(s).  Jealously, for me, was a sign that I hadn't been nurtured in the relationship the way that I wanted to be, first by myself and then by my partner.  Jealousy destroys bonds, it doesn't preserve them, and jealousy can give rise to relationship violence (Psychology Today).  When you feel less than, when you perceive a loss, that loss is now truth.  When I was married I was jealous of everyone around my spouse.  Turns out everyone around my spouse (the few close friends that were in her life) would have preferred to be in my position.  I was later cheated on and left for one of those folks that I had felt concern around.

It has taken me some time to recognize that jealousy is information and a bit longer to recognize that the information I get may not be the information someone else will get when they have their own feelings of jealousy.  We are all different so we need to interpret our emotions individually.  For someone else jealousy could signal memories of abandonment.  For another it could be a way to self-sabotage.  Either way, jealousy isn't something that signals 'all is well' on the home-front.  What it is telling you is that something needs your attention and usually, 99.9% of the time, that something is you.

When was the last time you were jealous?  What was it surrounding?  How did you handle it (or did it handle you???)?

xo

a

It's Right, It's Wrong

Howdy!!! I recently told someone that I am never wrong.  I meant this and still do.  I also believe the same for others.  Wrong implies that there is a 'right' and that this 'right' is unshakeable, truth, reality, fact.  The only truth is that right and wrong are opinions…  and you know that opinions are like assholes… everyone has one.  So if everyone has an opinion and opinions determine right and wrong (or religion which is the same damn thing) then I would wager that right and wrong are more about control and less about love.  I believe that right and wrong exist to make insecurities less insecure.

I may do something that you don't like or appreciate.  I may do or say something that annoys or offends you.  You may decide that I am annoying or offensive.  To that I say, you forgot to put "to me" at the end of your sentence so it would read accurately, "You are offensive (or annoying) to me."  To which I would say, "ok."  I am not bothered by the opinion of others, that often, because I don't consider others' opinions my truth.  My truth lives within me and motivates me to do what I feel makes sense for the world that I live in.  We may find that vibrationally we relate to many others and then there are some that you just won't relate to, depending on where they are evolutionarily/vibrationally.  Just because it doesn't make sense to me doesn't mean that it is right or wrong universally… it may be not what works for the world I am creating daily, it may undermine my vision of joy and peace on earth, but that doesn't make it right or wrong in general.  I have not seen (or remembered) enough of what the universe has planned in order to know what the 'big picture' is.  So, I humbly move within the space I understand, and that is a place of love and acceptance that all that exists is meant to.

Once we stop the blame game, the judgement game, the less than or more than game, we may begin to play well with others.  Once we stop deciding that we know all there is to know and become curios about how another sees the world, we might begin to grow.  Once we stop creating a world where there is one side or the other we might get to see the vast array of all that there is and all that there will be.  Until then you will see things as right and wrong and so they shall be.

xo

a

Some Thoughts on Death

Hello there, I believe that death is not unnatural.  I believe that it is the most natural thing that exists, right next to life.  People die just about every second.  People are birthed at a similar rate.  I don't know how helpful it is to tell everyone that death is unnatural or that for someone to die at one age or another is not "right."  It is as if life is a promise and not a gift or experience.  It is as if we still, after all of this time, don't get how fragile this human experience is.  We have this tendency to decide that life is only valuable after being lived a certain amount of time.  That if you haven't grown up, or had your own children, a job, sex, etc. that death shouldn't touch you.  Now, let me clarify for those who may be freaking the f*ck out.  I don't believe we need to kill one another regardless of how natural death is (and the same goes for killing animals).  I just don't believe death is unnatural and I believe that we could help the healing process for all involved in losing loved ones (that would be all of us at some point) if we changed the language around it.

When we are told that death is wrong and that a mother should never lose her child we set all the mothers who will lose their children (and that is a large number of people, babies and children die all the time!) to feel a hell of a lot worse than if we let them know that, yes, death can come to your baby because your baby is a human being and once that baby exists it can cease to exist.  If we stop looking at death as this horrible, horrible thing and look at it as a part of the process of life we may not feel like we were cheated out of something that we were never promised.  We may be able to feel a little less victimized by the death and be able to actually deal with the means by which (especially when a child has been murdered).

It is so maddening to me that we don't discuss death.  It is so damaging to all who will lose their children, that we haven't had the conversations prior so that there is space to talk about it, so that after the ones who will not see their children grow up don't feel so alone in their grief.  So they can discuss their experience of death openly and get support around it.  Death isn't contagious, it is promised.  Death isn't bad, it just is.  We all will go through it.  We all will lose someone.  We have to, at some point, stop behaving as though ignoring it will make it go away.  Talk about it and sex.  The two things that we either make naughty or wrong are the things that are often used to cause the most pain.  Think about it.  When we categorize things as bad they become those things for us.  When you change the way you see things the things you see change.  It is true.  We are powerful enough to stop being victims.

Now taking someone's life is a completely different discussion.  Why, how, when, what?  All of those things need to be dialogued about as well… I will say that it cracks me up (in a not so funny way) to see everyone so up in arms (pun intended) about violence in a country that was built on violence, that uses violence to solve all issues and perpetuates it every way that it can.  If we wanted peace we wouldn't support war.  If we wanted peace we would never flip someone off and curse them out.  If we wanted peace we would be peaceful.  Period.  Start with yourself.  Start with your own heart.  Start with how you treat yourself and see how that changes the world.

xo

a

Paradigm Shift

Howdy, Aloha, Good Morning, Moods, we all have them.  Some say Gemini's have a lot of them!  Ha.  Whatever.  The truth is feelings are information.  So how do we begin to get the information that we are being given.  Feelings aren't exactly what they seem to be.  It is like looking at a painting close up.  You have to get some distance in order to really take it all in.  Perspective.  Feelings are also a code to which we have the incorrect key more often than not.  The key we have is the paradigm of victim.

The victim paradigm looks like this:

Things happen to you.

You have no say over how you feel.

People owe you.

"Should" is a word that exists

Right and Wrong are used regularly

You wonder 'why me'

You have unspoken expectations or you expect others to know what you want and to do it

You believe your happiness is the responsibility of someone else

You don't do your own work

You 'don't know what to do' on a regular basis or you say it regularly

You believe others have more control or know better than you

When you live in this paradigm you expect the government to fix the economy.  You expect others to not cut you off when driving and you feel angry when they do.  You believe that your perfect mate is out there waiting and all you have to do is look pretty (or not) and they will show up and your life will make sense.  You believe that God created all things yet many of those things are wrong.  You look at what is and say it shouldn't happen.  You believe that if only x would do y everything would be ok.  You don't know why your life turned out how it did.  You throw your hands up and wonder 'why me???'  You get angry that someone didn't do something you never explicitly asked them  to do.  You believe that you deserve something from someone and that them not doing it means that they aren't right.

Do you know anyone who lives under this paradigm?  Do you?  Sometimes?

The paradigm of the person who sees feelings as a code to the secrets of the universe lives under the paradigm of the curious one.  The curious one looks at everything from the standpoint of "what am I experiencing this for, if anything.  When you are curious you are not judging.  You are asking, you are open, you are ready for what is.  You aren't trying to push things away and you aren't judging.

The curious one paradigm looks a little like this:

You are open

You want to know why but aren't attached to any answer

You do your work, you want to learn about you

You want to learn about others

You feel that things happen for a reason

You don't expect, you wonder

You know perspective is key

You see many sides because of perspective

You relate to others, you see yourself in their place

You see things as they are, from your perspective and you wonder how they would be if you weren't you

You ask questions

You take responsibility for your feelings

The 'Curious One' looks at the world from the place of awareness.  The CO is looking for the lessons of this existence.  We aren't here to condemn, blame, fall victim to or lament over life.  We are here to learn, love and grow.  Think about a baby.  What do they need?  Love, learning and growth.  That is really all we continue to need.  When you become that CO you begin to look at people as helpers.  They give you information about you.  You learn how you feel about things, what you want or don't want, like or don't like, need or don't need.  You get a chance to look at how you relate to the world through how others relate to you.  You also get a chance to see the world from other eyes when you are curious.  You ask questions, you listen to the answers and you believe that by changing your perspective most anything could make sense to you.  As the curious one, you do not deny, you accept.

How curious are you on a regular basis?  How can you bring some curiosity to your life?  Would you want to?

xo

a

"Anything that annoys you is for teaching you patience.

Anyone who abandons you is for teaching you how to stand up on your own two feet.

Anything that angers you is for teaching you forgiveness and compassion.

Anything that has power over you is for teaching you how to take your power back.

Anything you hate is for teaching you unconditional love.

Anything you fear is for teaching you courage to overcome your fear.

Anything you can’t control is for teaching you how to let go and trust the Universe."

~Jackson Kiddard

Dreaming My Dreams

Howdy, Do you remember your dreams?  What did you want to be when you were a child?  I wanted to be a journalist.  My best friend and I decided that when we were older (21 years old was 'older' to us at the age of 11) we would live together.  Our basement would be an ice rink and there wouldn't be stairs that led to it.  Instead there would be an ice slide from the bottom floor to the ice rink basement.  I can remember the conversation like it was yesterday and I still kind of want that ice rink basement idea. :)

Over the years I have had many dreams.  I have reached some (working out for a living) and let others go (School of Journalism at Columbia University).  I have noticed when I limited my dreams based on societal things and worked hard to allow my mind to wander into anything that would sound interesting to my soul.  I remember when I found out that Elmo was a black guy named Kevin Clash.  I was watching a talk show years ago where he was the guest.  It wasn't until that moment that I realized that I hadn't ever considered becoming a puppeteer because somewhere inside I had judged it as something black folks didn't do.  I had never seen someone black doing it and had completely counted it out as an option.  The funniest part was I am, in no way, stereotypical with how I live my life.  Still, no one is immune from those judgements about what is or is not possible.  We are surrounded by limiting factors every day.  After that moment, which was profound for me, I knew that I had some digging to do within myself.

Dreaming is so important.  Being limitless when you dream is the key ingredient to finding out what you really want to do.  Taking away the need to know how is the hardest part of dreaming.  We always want to make sense of something, so much so that when we dream we forget to just feel what you feel, think what you think and then see what shakes out.  So, I challenge you to dream.  Dream big.  Make a list of what you want to do, what you want to be, where you want to live, how you want to feel.  There are no limits, there is no right, there is no wrong, there is just you.  Before the phone existed someone wanted to talk to someone else who was far away.  Before hot air balloons someone wanted to float around in the sky in a basket.

You just never know where your dreams may take you…

xo

a

ReConditioner

Hello there! There are many ways to look at a situation.  You can look at it from the perspective that it is happening to you.  You can look at it as if it is happening around you.  You can also look at it as happening inside you.  Even still you can look at it as if it isn't happening at all… that it is all imaginary.  I tend to look at it in all ways, going through one to the next pretty quickly.  When I am faced with a stressful (my perception) situation I feel victimized for a very short time and then quickly move to what I can control.  It is hard to stay the course when so many things seem to be thrown at you to knock you off course.

Our minds are tricky things.  Thoughts zoom by at the speed of light.  It seems to be impossible to slow them down let alone to stop them altogether.  Often we have thoughts that stem from feelings arising and we immediately believe that everything that is happening for us is true or has to be true.  We are conditioned beings, we have been taught that one thing means another, we have associations that at some point were created not inherent.  In order to free ourselves from the conditioning we have to allow the feelings and thoughts to exist (they are rather persistent) and look at them with curiosity instead of giving them our complete trust.  When you can let go of what you have always believed to be true about a feeling or a thought you can start recreating your life and undoing the conditioning that may be doing you in.

All of this is easier said than done.  There will be things that push you where you feel weakest.  You will be in the middle of a bad week and something will come along to show you just how not bad it really was in comparison.  You will find yourself in a place where you look around and recognize barely anything, where nothing makes sense, where you feel a bit lost.  You will find yourself off track.  It is hard to not panic in these situations, it is hard not to find something, someone else to hold responsible for it.  Personal responsibility isn't something you can pick and choose to have.  You either practice it or you don't.  If you can move through the series of feelings and thoughts that keep you stuck and twisting in the wind you just might see the blessing in it.  You are being given another opportunity to create the world, the life, you claim you want.

Much love,

xo

a

Life Is What You Make It

Howdy! When people stop looking back they can move forward.  I have been guilty of looking back at past relationships, lamenting over what did or did not go well.  I have wondered if my life would have been different if I had made different choices.  I have been that guy who tried to rekindle a past relationship in case I had made a mistake.  I have spent time living in days long gone.  I know what it is like to not want the moment I am in to be when in reality this is all that is.  Because I have been here, it would seem like I would be super understanding when others dive into shoulda, woulda, coulda as well.  I am not.  I mean, I understand, but I know the damage that it causes all too well.  Tell me, would you let someone play with fire if you have been burned?  Would you not warn someone about the water being deep and the rapids fast so you could seem understanding?  I want to shine a light on the time wasted when spent on looking back, living backwards and being less than present.

I have heard so many people say so many things about wondering how things would have turned out.  I have actually been told that things would have been easier if I hadn't been born (by a loving family member).  That may have been the case, if it had been the case… but the reality is I was born and I am here.  The past doesn't change.  You can either get over it or you can live in it forever and ever and ever.  There is a way to integrate what has happened with where you are now.  There is no dishonor in not being depressed by your history, being happy in the moment and dealing with those things you have the power to change while letting everything else go.  This acceptance is truly freedom.  This freedom is a gift.  I would like to give that gift to you if you are open to receiving it.

One of the issues is that receiving the gift of accepting where you are right now and that you cannot change what has happened is you have no one to blame, no thing to blame, no past or situation to blame for your world right now.  All you have is power and responsibility.  This may seem exciting on the surface, but with power and great responsibility comes a shitload of work.  You have to take care of the now.  You have to own what you do, why you do it and know that the only constant in your world is you.  You are the only one who has put you where you are now.  It is a harsh reality.  I think that most of us would rather be depressed about the past than own our present and create our future.

Take a good hard look at your life.  Where are you placing the responsibility of your life?  Who have you allowed to be in charge.  Where do you see yourself, victim or ruler?  You do have a choice whether you choose to believe it or not.

xo

a

Now Is The Power

Hi there, In the moment that you feel lost you can be found again.  When you relinquish control of knowing, of what will, should, could happen, you find that space of what is.  In this you can find freedom that exists only when you accept each and every detail of each and every moment.  It is not something that we learn to do, we do it from birth, we actually have it taught out of us.  We get told to look back and look ahead and rarely do we get told to be where you are… sit in it and enjoy each breath.  If you do that for your family, bravo… it is a gift and a rare occurrence.

In our society the things that are imaginary take front and center.  From having holiday cards out in September to candy canes right after Halloween.  We have to prepare for our future… college funds, 401k's, etc.  We set goals based on a certain future when the two words together sound ridiculous to me… there is NOTHING certain about the future.  We create it as we go, though we keep on repeating what we know, instead of creating something new.  We are asked to tell others what we did over the weekend, last year, when we were kids.  Basically most conversation is built around things we cannot put a finger on anymore… things we can distort and things that aren't happening right now.  We focus so aggressively on the past or looking forward that we rarely see what is happening for us right now.

I used to run to audiobooks…  I was listening to Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now some years ago and trying to be ok with my situation (working at SUNY Buffalo for a verbally abusive Head Coach).  I kept having to go back to the part where he told me to just observe my thoughts.  Don't judge them, just allow them to happen without diving in and joining the noise.  I listened to it over ad over and then turned it off.  Then, I practiced.  I would run and just pay attention to each breath, each flower I saw, each step I took.  My breathing became easier.  The noise became quieter.  I became more empowered and finally left that crazy place.  When you are in your moments you can see where you are and what is happening for you.  When you are in your moments you can change them.

xo

a

Love Not Fear

Happy Friday! The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." ~Sven Goran Eriksson

Fear is unbelievably powerful.  Fear motivates us to change what we do, how we treat others, how we treat ourselves.  Fear will get us to give up our freedoms.  Fear will get us to hurt others.  Fear basically will kick our ass.  Fear also makes certain that love is lost.  With fear being present there is no space for love.  You are not allowed to live immersed in both.  Yet so many people will fall into love with someone based on the fear that there aren't any better options, that they should, that they need to be partnered at a certain point or age in life.  Fear will keep someone in an abusive relationship with someone else and/or with themselves.

Often we are afraid to be who we are, fully.  We show only the parts that are shiny and nice.  We hold onto and hide the parts that we have deemed unlovable.  We have taken the parts that we feel would push someone away and shown them piecemeal, after we feel secure that the person loves "us."  Well, what "us" are they loving if they don't have all the information?  What you have you given them the opportunity to fall for.  How would they stay with you when they don't know who you are?  What do we expect when we don't give someone the opportunity to know all of what they are getting into.  It is like we want to get someone attached and then show them the stuff that they would run from otherwise but won't now because they are obligated through promises made when ignorant of the truth.  Think about it.  Is that what you want?

Why would you enter into anything not being your authentic self?  What do you have to gain?  Well, it isn't always that black and white.  Most of the time we don't know we aren't being authentic, we just aren't accepting of who we are.  We haven't actually spent time loving up on the parts that we hide.  Yet, we hope that someone will love us enough to have to deal with the shit they never knew existed when they first fell in love.  We get into relationships and wonder why they don't work.  We leave or get left, we fear abandonment and aren't understood.  The truth of the matter is that the fear of being left is realized when we don't show up for ourselves.  When we abandon all of ourselves we don't allow others to stick it through with us.  We show others that we aren't worth staying.  When we deny the truth of who we are, others don't want to live that lie.  When we base our lives on who we want to be and not who we are we end up feeling lonely and lacking.  You must be the person you want to be with in the world.

What do you want?  How do you want to be loved?  Do you want someone who knows you, all of you and loves you because of it? Do you want to hide yourself and live a life pretending to be other than who you are?  Are you willing to accept the parts of you that aren't what you want to sing and dance about?  Do you feel worth putting yourself out there so that the one who will love you for all of it can actually find you?  When you hold back on who you actually are you don't give someone the opportunity to love all of who you are.  We are way to caught up with catching someone than being caught.  We are way to afraid to be who we are and have faith that we are worthy of love, deserving of unconditional love, destined for true love.  You are enough.  You are exactly right for someone.  You, all of you just need to come out of the dark, let go of the fear, walk towards yourself with open arms, then show yourself in all of your glory to the world and let your love find you.

"Fear is faith that it won't work out."  ~Anon

xo

a

The X-Files

Hello!! I was discussing relationships with a friend when I realized that many people believe that when they are left by someone they love they have been wronged.  Most of us have been heartbroken before.  Some of us may be going through it right now.  Either way, heartbreak is universal.  So often after being crushed by an unrequited love, we try to find fault with the person that left us.  They were this way or that way; they weren't open because they are damaged and cannot open up; they suck.  Often I hear people say that at some point the person that left them will realize what a mistake they made and want to come back.  Why in the hell would you want someone back who didn't want you, so much so that they high-tailed it out of your life?  Not the lover I would be looking to the universe for.

Being left hurts.  Relationships ending hurt.  Change hurts.  I gotta tell you that the person that left you isn't the bad guy.  They didn't do anything to you that you didn't give them permission to do.  They don't want you and that is ok.  They will find someone else who they work better with and they will be fine.  You, your healing is understanding that good relationships don't end.  True love doesn't die and the person that left you left you better off.  You are now free to find that person who isn't leaving, loves you the way you want to be loved and makes sense on many levels.

When we are reeling from pain from loss we tend to want to pin the reason for the pain on other people.  No one makes you feel anything.  You decide to put one emotion or another on whatever the situation is.  No one decides for you to feel one way or another so no one is hurting you, when it comes down to it.  I know that this is a difficult concept because we are a culture that sues over coffee being hot.  The truth is the sooner you realize that you choose your feelings based on your beliefs the sooner you can believe something that doesn't make you feel or act like a victim.

So, no, your ex isn't going to be miserable without you.  Your ex is your ex because they didn't want to be your present.  Your ex is not the same with you that they will be with their one.  Your pain, is real and self-inflicted.  When you take ownership over the ideas you have around being left you can spend less time in the blaming phase and more time in the information/growth gathering phase.

xo

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A New Courtship

Hi there, Took a couple of days off and now you get a triple dealio!  Yep, 3 today… spread out of course!

Owning what you want it a big friggin deal.  We don't always feel like we are allowed to say what it is that we actually desire.  We fall into this invisible, but palpable, line of desiring only what is practical, acceptable or allowed to us by religion, our parents, society.  We may never admit that what we want is to paint toenails for a living, if we come from a household that has doctors and lawyers.  We may never admit that what we want is to marry someone of the same-sex, if we come from a deeply religious background.  We may never admit that we want to be a homemaker if we live in a society where people believe that women's liberation means not doing certain things instead of doing what you want.  We accept a lot of rules based very little on what it is we actually would like in our lives.

Often, when we aren't able to figure out what it is that we want, we force it.  We make lists.  We go to places that tell us where we are strong and what we could be good at.  It is odd to me, for someone else to tell me what I want.  I think we have truly come a pretty far distance away from ourselves.  I think that it is time to rekindle the relationship that exists between us and our selves.  What do you do when you want to get to know someone who isn't you?  You usually go on dates, talk on the phone, maybe you write emails.  You certainly ask a lot of questions.  You ask questions about their life, childhood.  You may ask them what they wanted to do when they were younger.  You may even ask some harder questions, questions about hurt and trauma.  You are trying to get to know them, find out what makes them tick and whether or not this is who you want to be with.  You dig deeper with someone else than you dig into yourself.

What if you started courting yourself?  Finding out what you like, going over who you wanted to become when you were a child and what makes you tick.  Sit for hours discussing the world with yourself, being vulnerable and excited for the information that you are being given.  Ask the questions and wait for the answers.  They begin to flood in when you open up.  By the time you have been dating yourself for a while you might realize how much you really do want to be with you for a long, long time and that you have some adjustments to make in your life in order to have the real you exist in it.  Do what is needed to support your relationship with you… that is love.

xoxo

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Things Are

Howdy! There is a reason you are reading this, and that your feelings were hurt, or you were happy, or that a, b or c pissed you off.  Instead of lumping something you have experienced in the boxes of good and bad, why not see what those situations are telling you?

When you place the judgement of something being good you are inviting the possibility for bad to happen in your space.  Without good you would not have bad.  The contrast is what makes the distinction, the distinction is what brings about the contrast.  So, how do you not deem something as good or bad?  Well, you take the words out of your language, for the most part.  Seriously, perspective is everything.  I could label things as bad and good and walk away only to see that someone else had come along and changed the labels on a few things.  Wait!  There isn't an inherent good and bad?  You mean that some people think that physical scarring is good and others thing that it is abusive?  Some cultures arrange marriage and others do not, all label their way as the right way to do things. Perspective allows you to see that when you give something a side, you have to allow for it to have another.

Letting go of the words forces you to think in a new way.  Words are powerful, which is why they hurt or heal depending on the person, the words, the time, space, energy.  Take away the good and the bad and you have a thing, an experience that allows you to see the complexities within it.  There are areas that you may want to keep, give back or let go of.  When you look at something as information you pay closer attention to all of the details, you may begin to see where it is actually a benefit to you when you may have only seen it as bad or good.  Labels limit, it is their nature.

Try for one week to practice lessening the labels.  How do things begin to feel when you do?  What information is available to you?

xo

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What's Good???

Good morning! It is Tuesday!!  :)  Gratitude breeds more gratitude… isn't that awesome? This only  takes a few moments to do but gives to you for much, much longer.  So put down whatever you are doing and take a couple of minutes for yourself.  Every Tuesday morning I am going to ask you to write down 5 things that you are grateful for and email them to me (keep for yourself as well).  What are you feeling gratitude around?  Here are mine for this week:

Vulnerability.

Photos.

Free Returns.

Walking.

Long Time - John De Sohn (song).  

There are no right or wrong answers.  It is about what you are grateful for.   It is proven that doing this once a week for three months (actually just 9 weeks) makes you happier, healthier, exercise more and less sensitive to perceived slights.  You will sweat the small stuff less and focus on what really matters.

So… what are you waiting for???

Food for thought:

Change is challenging.  When you really are ready to do something different in your world, to stop patterns that seem to be unrelenting, you are going to need to do almost everything differently.  You are going to have to pretend you are someone else and do what that person would do.  When you are writing a new story remind yourself that it too is fiction and when you need to change it to continue moving forward, know that you are not stuck in a loop, that you are just finishing a book and deciding what to write next.  You are a being that is creative.  Create what you desire in the world by feeling it and seeing it.  If it is love you seek, feel loved, be love.  If it is peace you desire, be peace, feel peaceful, if it is strength you want, be strong, feel strong.    

See love, feel love, be love.  See peace, feel peace, be peace.  See strength, feel strength, be strength.

xo

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Ideally You

Hello, When do you want to be who you want to be?  What is stopping you from being that person right now?  I always work with my clients to sketch out their ideal self.  Who do you see yourself as, ideally and why?  How does that person live their life; what do they eat, where do they live, what do they look like, who are their friends?  When you look at the person who you want to become as already existing (which is true) you can begin to see reaching that goal as doable instead of 'pie-in-the-sky' dreaming.

We often believe that our ideal isn't doable, though we almost always have planted firmly in our minds what we would ideally like and who we would ideally like to become.  Many times, we look at our ideals as goals that are not attainable.  We accept mediocrity and believe that no one, or at least very few, can ever reach the point where they are living their ideal life, being their ideal self… at least not all of the time.

What if this weren't true?  We get so caught up in the stories we tell ourselves, and others day in day out, that we believe them and see them as the only way.  We believe that there are places we cannot reach, ideals we cannot meet.  If we believed everything that we aren't doing now just isn't possible then nothing would ever change, there would be no advances in any area.  200 years ago many people wouldn't believe that computers would exist, or dreamed of a computer.  Many times we are looking around to see if someone is doing what we want to do are being who we want to become.  We look for someone to be an example for us.  We forget that we are someone and we can be our own example by projecting out our idea of how our ideal person lives.

Try seeing that person you want to be as your example, your guiding light.  If that person can do it, so can you.  Start telling yourself the story that you are already there.  Start choosing to live the life you would like to.  Do it today, do it now.

xo

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How Do I Know?

Happy Weekend! How do we know what we know?  How do we know what we feel or what the feeling is for?  What if we have no idea what our feelings really mean, like people looking at a mirror thinking that there is a whole world on the other side instead of just a reflection.  What if feelings were that mirror and nothing more.  What if they actually told you nothing about the external world and were only and external representation of what is happening internally.   However you were feeling would be represented by what you were seeing.  What if our feelings created the external world so that we could practice using the skill that is emotion.

It could be that we are akin to someone from the year 1455 being transported to 2012.  They could very well use computers as artwork and iPods as doorstops. We may not actually have any idea what emotions are for.  We may be using them incorrectly.  How do you know that we aren't?

Ultimately everything is like this.  We go on an idea that we were given and we run with it because it helps, we believe, us function in this time and space.  We rarely believe we could be heading in a direction that isn't the highest level of use of our abilities.  We rarely spend time imagining what we actually could do, what the possibilities are.  When we think of things that are beyond what we have accomplished at this moment we tend to resist it.  It is like our brains, our imaginations are in prison or have been browbeaten to only repeat what is known.  What if you broke out of that once a day.  What if you allowed something that doesn't exist in our present day (that we know of) to exist in your imagination.  You saw it, you felt it, you knew it was true.  What do you think would happen?  How do you think, if at all, the world would shift?

xo

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Listen

Hello there, Pay attention to that voice, the one that isn't mean, the one that isn't abusive.  That abusive a-hole needs to be ignored, and now.  The voice that tells you to turn left instead of right, the voice that tells you to take a walk, to be still, to shut up.  That voice that is trying to get you to calm down and pay attention, most of the time (sometimes that voice will say, "RUN" and you should, knees to chest, if you get my drift).  The bottom line is, your intuition is calling and you would do well to answer the call.

When you know something right away (which is most of the time) and you talk yourself out of it… that is your 'knowing' at work.  What makes you ignore it?  Why do we second guess what we know to be true?  Much of the time we are not aware that we are ignoring our intuition.  Often we deny what we know because we don't like it.  At some point we have to let go of our idea of good and bad and see things as information.  When you judge something as one of two things you bring the other into existence.  That is, bad exists because we have deemed other things to be good.  Yep, it is our doing.  So when we know something, we usually talk ourselves into whatever we feel makes the most sense for the reality we have decided to accept, instead of purposefully create.  We have a concept of reality where there is good and bad, so everything gets filtered in that way… which means much of what is actually happening is absolutely ignored because we feel like it may not fit, or be good.  Take away the judgement and listen to the information.  Listen and feel for it.  You are being given information all of the time.

How would your world work if you acknowledged what that first gut instinct, feeling, motivation told you?  What would you learn about yourself if you paid attention to your knowing?  How would you live your life if you listened to YOU?  What would stay, what would go?  What is stopping you from listening to what you know to be true for you?  How do you begin to move toward being in sync with your voice?

The world is a miraculous, glorious place.  The world is inside of you.  You are amazing.  Remember this, each and everyday.  There is nothing you cannot accomplish when you accept that as fact.

xo

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Go!

Hey! What drives you wild?  What gets you excited, nervous, a bit afraid?  When was the last time you had butterflies in your stomach?  How often do you step outside of your comfort zone?  How often do you try something that isn't a sure thing?

When we do more than we have previously, we often resist.  We resist the possibility of failure.  We also resist the possibility of success more often than we know.  You know you are doing more than you have before because you get nervous, you may feel anxiety, you might not be able to think about much else until you have done "it"  whatever "it" is.  Whatever is in your mind as the thing you are afraid to do must be done.

Jump, dive, run towards the things that make you feel.  We have become comfortably numb and most of us are not aware of this.  We have learned how to navigate the world based on what we know, not where we want to go.  Do we even know what we want, where we want to go, how to get there?  A great place to start is by asking ourselves what we are afraid of.  Maybe it is rejection.  Maybe it is love.  Maybe it is being organized.  Maybe it is looking incompetent.  Whatever it is may just be what you need to wake up, feel again and move forward.  Safe isn't living.  Safe is false, death, failure.  Safe is nowhere for a living breathing thing.  Life, in and of itself, is a risk.  When we decided to incarnate we decided to be risky.  To resist the gift of excitement, nervousness or feelings of anxiety/anticipation is to decide to stay exactly where you are and miss out on where you could be.

Go on, feel the nervousness, get the butterflies and feel the freak-outedness.  No excuses, no regrets.

xo

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Friends Forever?

Hi there, In this ever-changing world we often try to keep things just as they were even when we are no longer feeling good about how they actually are.  An area that you may relate to this is in a friendship.  People get really worked up about this topic and I suppose it is because it hits close to home; no one wants to be that friend that is no longer needed/desired.  Everything goes through periods of obvious growth and can also appear to plateau.  Either way there is always shifting that is happening in a relationship.  Sometimes the shifts bring people closer and other times it pulls them apart.  This is not a negative or positive thing.  It is what it is. Where we run into trouble is when we judge the change, if we admit it at all, or we just outright resist it.

Relationships are about relating.  When we meet someone else and we find that connection, that spark, we feel so elated and hopeful.  We feel less alone in the world and we feel important in some way.  Someone likes YOU and wants to know who YOU are without a romantic entanglement, without obligation.  Friendships are without the drama, oftentimes, of family and/or romantic connections.  They are blessings.  Friends are your confidants, your heart when you can't find your beat, your voice when you can barely speak and your strength when you feel weak.  Friends are gifts, plain and simple.

Sometimes friendships change.  Sometimes relating becomes challenging.  Sometimes friendships end.

Have you ever felt that you don't relate to a friend the way you did before.  Maybe some life event occurred for you that shifted your world so much so that you no longer feel the same way about a lot of the things that you had in common with a friend.  Maybe your belief's changed, maybe you realize that you aren't happy in the relationship anymore and space would be the best thing for you.  What would you say to yourself about it?  Your friend?

Would you want a friend to tell you that they needed to distance themselves from you if that friend felt that it was the best thing for them to do?  How supportive could you be around the decision of your friend to end the relationship?  Do you desire a friend to stay your friend because you have a history or because you have a present and future?  What is wrong with a friendship ending?  In what world do you expect a relationship to never change, never need space, to always be what it was?

When we let go of expectations around friendships and accept them as they are, wonderful bonuses, we are able to let them go when they have given us all they have to give.  We are able to be honest about their present place in our lives.  You don't hold onto something because it used to work.  Transformation is rebirth and rebirth is more life.  Live, love, and sometimes you move on.  Letting a friendship go does not mean you didn't value the relationship; on the contrary, you value it too much to keep it going when it isn't true.

Take care,

xo

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