Fear

Resolute

Howdy Partner, A new year is about to happen, and when a year is new everyone feels like they are too.  In celebration of that newness a lot of folks make resolutions.  The top 5 resolutions are: 1) To lose weight, 2) Getting organized, 3) Spend less, save more, 4) Enjoy life to the fullest, and 5) Staying fit and healthy.  (If you want to read 6-10 follow the link at the end of this blog)  My biggest concern is that staying fit and healthy is number 5… though spending more time with family is number 10, which I am sure has to do with the fact that resolutions come a week after Christmas and other winter holidays that push family time as the thing to do.

My second biggest concern is that while 45% of the US population makes New Year's Resolutions only 8% are successful while 24% of peeps who make resolutions never succeed and fail on their resolutions each year.  Then you have age as a factor with younger folks being more successful than older (over 50) folks.  Maybe as we age we have had too many failures around resolutions/goals so it is easier to get discouraged and give up than when we are young and still have a few shreds of hope.  :)  It seems that resolutions aren't really effective when you look at all of these stats.  Is there a point then?  Shall we just stop and let it all go?

Well, not so fast.  Resolution, or goal setting has success.  It is a fact that someone without goals never reaches their goals 100% of the time.  So setting a goal gives you a chance to reach them.  Direction leads you somewhere, at least, and usually leads you in the direction you desire.  So, giving up on goal setting may not be he way to avoid failing, instead changing the goals we set or how we set them could be the answer.

Inspiration is a beautiful thing.  Inspiration is the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something (Webster's Dictionary).  If we feel inspired we are more likely to act.  Your goals need to be inspired and inspirational… and the steps you take to reach them need to be inspired and inspirational as well.  So instead of losing weight this year, what is your inspiration?  Is it to wear certain brands, run a number of miles, do jumping jacks for a number of minutes, get your blood pressure down to a certain number, or feel good?  Maybe your inspiration is something else.  When your goals have meaning, a meaning you have thought out and delineated you may have a better chance of actually sticking to the steps necessary to reach them.  You may also do well to be honest, at least with yourself, about why you really want to reach a certain goal.  Know this:  whatever reason you have for setting a goal is valid.  Period.

When you put your heart into what you want to change, why you want to change it and what you will do to make it so… or rather, when you commit to a goal you no longer view it as something you can get out of.  You are in it.  You are dedicated.  You set up your world so that your goal is priority.  Maybe you have friends that encourage and hold you accountable, maybe you hire someone to help you reach your goals, maybe you stop making excuses.  However it is done, it is doable when you commit to it.

Good luck figuring out the direction you want your life to take in 2013.  It is yours to create, this future you dream of.  It starts with you, your vision, your motivation, your inspiration.

xo

a

http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/

The Age of Attraction

What is happening? I was recently discussing sexuality, which I think isn't discussed enough, with some friends.  We were talking about vaginas and the power of owning your sexuality.  The discussion led to the fact that shame is prevalent whether we admit it or not, in relation to sex and sexual expression.  There are so many rules, roles, assumptions that it is difficult to know what we actually want.  Admitting what we like, where we are in our sexuality and what we think about it is something that is shunned aggressively.  We are, after all, a society that will fine someone for flashing a nipple (at the same time we cover our children's eyes from seeing the .00005 seconds that it was shown) but watch news footage about 26 people, many of them children, being gunned down.

Like the universe works, I perused Facebook where a friend posted an article about a 6-year-old being in love with a character from Glee.  Sexuality seemed to be in the air tonight.  The 6-year-old is a boy and the character on Glee is a boy.  The article goes on to discuss how the mother and father love their son and have no problem if he is gay or isn't.  I think that it is great that parents will love their son even if he is gay, I just look forward to the day we don't have to announce that parents will love their kids even if they are gay.

So, after reading this I then scrolled down to the comments and stopped at one that touched on several things in regards to the article.  First they were not pleased with a 6-year-old watching Glee, then with the idea that a 6-year-old was obsessed about anything especially liking someone.  Third that, even at 11, that would be too young to have attraction.  Ok, I had to breathe after reading this, and after having had the conversation about shame that had happened earlier in the evening.  I know that attraction is as natural as breathing.  If you are a part of a family you (hopefully) see love, coupledom, partnership.  Children mimic adults.  It is how they learn to talk, walk, think, behave, love.  How in the world are they too young to be attracted?  I liked boys and girls for as long as I can remember and I certainly had attractions to all manner of things before the age of 6.  I liked certain colors, foods, music, and people.  The idea that attraction has an age is a funny, funny thing.  Babies are attracted to certain colors and sounds.  We are attracted to love and repelled by hate.  When we see something that resonates with us we are drawn to it.  This is being human.  The idea that we would want to discourage this natural way in others due to them being younger than we think they should be to have the feelings that they actually are having is ridiculous (yes, I am totally judging).

As a parent you may be nervous, because of your own hangups and judgments, around the truth of your child being inherently sexual.  I mean, the damn person was made while you were having sex.  How in the hell can we not be SEXUAL.  What is the problem people???  Let's take our heads out of our asses and start discussing sex, sexuality, love, desire, attraction in a way that doesn't make it shameful, scary, wrong, or inappropriate.

Here is a story that I love to share:  My sister is a massage therapist.  Her son, Miles, used to love to be massaged and loved to give massages, and he was very good at it as well.  There is nothing better than little hands on your shoulders massaging away your worries.  So sweet.  Anyway, during a massage she was giving him he asked if she could massage his penis.  Instead of getting all weird (which I think many of us would) she told him that she wouldn't because that was his to massage.  She let him know that he could massage it in private and that no one else was allowed to until he really wanted them to.  Or some such lovely message like that (I am sure my sister would correct the verbiage).  Either way, the message was clear:  She didn't make him feel that what he asked for was wrong, bad, inappropriate.  She used that moment to let him know the boundaries of his body.

Let's stop being craycray and start empowering one another in love.  Can we do this please???

xo

a

Sense of Safety

"Safety always comes from inside-not outside of-you." ~Dina Bachelor Evan Howdy,

We spend a lot of time figuring out ways to feel safe and secure.  We wear our seat belts, we read our exit row safety cards, we ask for people to make promises.  The truth is the only way to feel safe, to be safe, is to know that you are always ok.  You are always supported.  Knowing that, even when life isn't as you would desire it to be, you are exactly where you need to be, doing and experiencing exactly what you need to experience to move you to the next place, phase, level of your existence is where you may need to start shifting your viewpoint.  Your feeling of security and safety, when taken from the outside world, is always tentative.  When you find that security and safety from within it is untouchable.  You will be able to take on any sunny day or perfect storm feeling as ok as any other moment in your life.  Safety isn't something you find, it is something you remember, recognize and reignite.

Feeling a strong sense of being ok doesn't mean you feel like no harm will ever come to you.  On the contrary, you know that anything is possible in this human body and accept that no harm is coming to you right now.  If harm did show up you would deal with it then an.  Safety is being aware, conscious of the moment… knowing what you can control and knowing what you cannot, and accepting all of it.  Boundaries aren't only what you create between you and the world around you, it is also how you deal with your internal world.  How you manage your feelings, perceptions, emotions, expectations and thoughts.  When you set a boundary that only allows an understanding that you are whole and supported living the life you were meant to, life becomes quite a bit easier.  Shutting out fears around being safe will allow you to see how protected and cared for you actually are.  After all, most of the time you are taken care of, right?  You have been ok most of the time… when the thoughts we have don't support this fact we are slammed with anxiety, fear, dread.  When we forget that we are rarely in danger we live as if it were a constant threat.

When we recognize that safety comes from inside and that we can nurture it, just like we do love, joy grows, safety grows, we become much more giving to others.  Feeling safe gives us permission to be more of who we are, to heal the areas that we need healing, and it gives permission for others to do the same.  Finding that ability to create safety within ourselves means that you are no longer looking for someone or something (which will always change and let you down) to do it for you.  You aren't waiting on your White Knight to rescue you and protect you… instead you are your own savior, your own knight-in-shining armor (or sparkling amor for me).

One way to begin remembering that sense of self, safety, is to affirm it regularly.  Another step is understanding that we are not our bodies, we are so much more, and that more is always ok.

xo

a

Why Jealousy?

Holler! Jealousy, ahhh, good god, what is it good for?  Absolutely nuthin', say it again!!

Man, I have been jealous before… and every time there was good reason.  It was a loud signal to get the heck out of the relationship.  When I have felt jealous there were a lot of other things that weren't working in the relationship, and, for me, jealousy was a great way to sound the alarm.  The only issue is I learned all of these truths for myself because I stayed in the relationships until they imploded sometime later.

Jealousy is defined as an emotion that refers to negative thoughts, feelings of insecurity, fear and anxiety over the anticipated loss of something that someone values… usually in reference to a human connection.  Inadequacy, anger, resentment and helplessness often accompany jealousy!! Oooh, sounds so yummy, doesn't it?  Thought this description is rather unappealing to me, I have heard many people say that jealousy is actually pretty healthy, or "I kinda like when my partner is jealous."  WTF???  Ok, I get you want to be desired, but to have someone in your life that feels anger, inadequacy, resentment?  Really?  I would have to say I would rather see what was behind door number 2 than have a jealous partner.  Maybe I will win a new car…

In my past relationships where jealousy came up the trust was destroyed in my relationship(s).  Jealously, for me, was a sign that I hadn't been nurtured in the relationship the way that I wanted to be, first by myself and then by my partner.  Jealousy destroys bonds, it doesn't preserve them, and jealousy can give rise to relationship violence (Psychology Today).  When you feel less than, when you perceive a loss, that loss is now truth.  When I was married I was jealous of everyone around my spouse.  Turns out everyone around my spouse (the few close friends that were in her life) would have preferred to be in my position.  I was later cheated on and left for one of those folks that I had felt concern around.

It has taken me some time to recognize that jealousy is information and a bit longer to recognize that the information I get may not be the information someone else will get when they have their own feelings of jealousy.  We are all different so we need to interpret our emotions individually.  For someone else jealousy could signal memories of abandonment.  For another it could be a way to self-sabotage.  Either way, jealousy isn't something that signals 'all is well' on the home-front.  What it is telling you is that something needs your attention and usually, 99.9% of the time, that something is you.

When was the last time you were jealous?  What was it surrounding?  How did you handle it (or did it handle you???)?

xo

a

Some Thoughts on Death

Hello there, I believe that death is not unnatural.  I believe that it is the most natural thing that exists, right next to life.  People die just about every second.  People are birthed at a similar rate.  I don't know how helpful it is to tell everyone that death is unnatural or that for someone to die at one age or another is not "right."  It is as if life is a promise and not a gift or experience.  It is as if we still, after all of this time, don't get how fragile this human experience is.  We have this tendency to decide that life is only valuable after being lived a certain amount of time.  That if you haven't grown up, or had your own children, a job, sex, etc. that death shouldn't touch you.  Now, let me clarify for those who may be freaking the f*ck out.  I don't believe we need to kill one another regardless of how natural death is (and the same goes for killing animals).  I just don't believe death is unnatural and I believe that we could help the healing process for all involved in losing loved ones (that would be all of us at some point) if we changed the language around it.

When we are told that death is wrong and that a mother should never lose her child we set all the mothers who will lose their children (and that is a large number of people, babies and children die all the time!) to feel a hell of a lot worse than if we let them know that, yes, death can come to your baby because your baby is a human being and once that baby exists it can cease to exist.  If we stop looking at death as this horrible, horrible thing and look at it as a part of the process of life we may not feel like we were cheated out of something that we were never promised.  We may be able to feel a little less victimized by the death and be able to actually deal with the means by which (especially when a child has been murdered).

It is so maddening to me that we don't discuss death.  It is so damaging to all who will lose their children, that we haven't had the conversations prior so that there is space to talk about it, so that after the ones who will not see their children grow up don't feel so alone in their grief.  So they can discuss their experience of death openly and get support around it.  Death isn't contagious, it is promised.  Death isn't bad, it just is.  We all will go through it.  We all will lose someone.  We have to, at some point, stop behaving as though ignoring it will make it go away.  Talk about it and sex.  The two things that we either make naughty or wrong are the things that are often used to cause the most pain.  Think about it.  When we categorize things as bad they become those things for us.  When you change the way you see things the things you see change.  It is true.  We are powerful enough to stop being victims.

Now taking someone's life is a completely different discussion.  Why, how, when, what?  All of those things need to be dialogued about as well… I will say that it cracks me up (in a not so funny way) to see everyone so up in arms (pun intended) about violence in a country that was built on violence, that uses violence to solve all issues and perpetuates it every way that it can.  If we wanted peace we wouldn't support war.  If we wanted peace we would never flip someone off and curse them out.  If we wanted peace we would be peaceful.  Period.  Start with yourself.  Start with your own heart.  Start with how you treat yourself and see how that changes the world.

xo

a

I Want You Now

Howdy! I was recently discussing dating and relationships with a friend when I mentioned that I am transparent when I meet someone, no building myself up here.  I basically consider false advertising lying.  I think that when a woman sucks in her stomach to seem thinner or a guy says he is taller in a personals ad, they are setting themselves up to fail.  Show yourself if you want yourself to be accepted.  I have been in many relationships, some great, some awful, all ended for one reason or fifty.  Either way, I never left the relationship feeling or being told that I hadn't communicated who I was.  Often it was the opposite.  I was often dating someone who wasn't who they said they were, but who they wanted to be.  I am not one to promise tomorrow when today is all we have.  So, I expect the same in return.  That expectation has proven difficult to meet in my journey towards love and intimacy.

I have spent relationships hoping for something that wasn't, waiting for someone who might never show.  It puts everyone at a disadvantage when you are hanging your hat on the future and hoping the present will hurry up to it.  The person who is being asked to be who they aren't yet is not happy.  Who would be when they aren't actually being loved for who they are?  The person waiting is, well, waiting, for someone who may never pop into existence.  Besides, if you want a love, a true love, I believe you have to truly be you without the promises of a you that is 'better' in your mind.  Promising a you of the future to someone puts so much stress on the relationship.  It is amazing how many of us feel that it is ok to try to change someone, or try to change for someone.

In past relationships I have massaged my partner regularly, written doting love notes, bought expensive jewelry, danced and made up songs, cooked elaborate meals, pampered in numerous ways, yet, when I meet someone now, I truly wouldn't think about saying that these are all of the things that I do.  They are things that I have done, that I know I am capable of doing but what I do now is work… a lot.  I write.  I listen to a lot of music and I talk… I love conversation.  The rest is to be discovered, not sold.  If someone doesn't like the person I am without them, then I certainly am not going to try to get them to.  At this point when I meet someone, I look at their life right now and believe that they are living it the way they have chosen to and that if I don't like it I may do better to move along.

We tend to believe that we are not enough as is.  We have decided the things that we judge unattractive should be hidden.  How on earth will we have the love we want when we don't show up to receive it?  I always admit that I am an asshole, a great friend, a loyal confidante and a Gemini who has to have her freedom.  If that doesn't work for someone then it most certainly won't work for me, regardless of what a great catch that person might seem to be.  A catch, in my opinion, is someone who wants me, that I want equally and the relationship works the way we feel it needs to.  Otherwise they are just fish in the sea.

xo

a

I Want Some Things

Howdy! Tis the season to get stuff right.  Oh, I know most of you would say 'to give' but let's be honest… you want some things too.  We have this funny way of trying to be altruistic when it is a big ol' lie.  Seriously.  You weren't put here to not want something.  We want lots of things and there isn't anything wrong with it.  I mean, if you are being selfless and giving to others, who are the others and wouldn't they be trying to do the same thing if wanting things were so bad?  I believe that one of the reasons we 'get' things is because we are open to receiving them, and, if you look around, how much do you get?  I am sure you get a lot of things, which tells me that on various levels you feel deserving, you feel worth receiving.  Make the fact that you do want things something that you own instead keeping your wanting hidden in your subconscious (like a dirty secret).  When you bring it to the surface you are able to direct it a bit more, you can be more specific about getting your desires met.  Getting isn't a sin, wanting isn't a sin, asking isn't a sin.  When you want (which is all of the time in so many different ways) you are giving someone the chance to please you… and you, the altruistic one, knows how giving someone something they want or need feels.  It feels amazing.  We not only want to be loved, we desire to give it as well, in its various forms.

I believe that a life of service doesn't mean a life of struggle.  We have decided that those who want to help others shouldn't want to help themselves as well.  They should be selfless, oftentimes poor, in only a bit better spot to those they are helping.  How would anyone be an example of success by not being successful?  How is it wrong to have abundance and be of service.  Wouldn't you believe the person who has figured out how to have what they need would be able to tell you a thing or two about getting somewhere that you are not, like a place of abundance?  It is like asking someone who doesn't love themselves to love everyone else.  When you have done your work, figured out how to meet your needs or ask for help, serving is done in a much purer way.  It isn't being used to squash the very real fact that you don't feel deserving on some level; it isn't covering up a deep feeling of guilt.  In any case, that isn't really giving, in my opinion.  It is being selfish in a deep and unconscious way.

Own your wants.  Ask for what it is that makes your heart sing without judgement.  No one is served by denying who they are.  Speak your truth.  If all else fails, and you don't believe that it is ok to want, look at it like this.  The world isn't lacking in anything.  We have more people, more stuff, more food (regardless if it is getting to everyone or not, the capacity to feed is infinite), more ideas, more than ever before.  Scarcity is a lie.  When you have something it takes nothing away from me.  It is the argument of gay marriage somehow hurting heterosexual marriages.  One doesn't take away from the other.  There is enough marriage to go around and enough love to sustain the relationships that want sustenance.  My wanting stuff, experiences, my way, doesn't mean you cannot have your stuff, experiences or way.  We can all be in a place of abundance if we just wanted it, openly, without judgement.

xo

a

Help Me

Hiya! In the past when I felt swamped or overwhelmed I would often stop reaching out, stay home, answer few calls and keep to myself.  In theory it is a good idea to cocoon myself so that I could renew myself.  However, reaching out can help make whatever I am going through smaller and more manageable.  When you let others know what is happening in your world you allow your world to shrink, not seem so daunting and you might just see a way out of the stress heap you are under.  Admitting that I needed help was hard, asking for help was harder.

As a life coach I am there for anyone and everyone that needs me to be.  I hold space for people so that they can better view their world and make the changes that they would like to make.  I help take their stress from keeping them stuck to motivating and initiating change.  I am always inspired by the amazing people who reach out and ask me to help them.  It is a HUGE deal to know that you cannot do it on your own, that you don't need to do it on your own.  Life is so much sweeter when lived with others… when you understand that we are here to learn about ourselves through our relationship with others.  When you allow help, when you give permission, you receive it faster than you can imagine.  Usually the only thing that is standing in the way between you and your ideal world is you not asking or asking for others to participate; giving permission for others to help you.

For some reason (conditioning from our society) we believe that we are here to do everything on our own.  The truth is we are dependent on one another no matter how much we would like to think we stand alone.  We need each other and always will.  You have what I need and I have what you need.  It is about sharing, assisting, helping.  Are there ways in which you could use help but you have a judgement around asking?

I ask for help now.  It is more fun to be a part of  team.  I like the fact that others are just as excited to assist me as I am to assist them.  Life is easier with help.  More fun.  Less overwhelming.  Better, overall.  Giving others the permission to assist was a big step from struggling to make it in my chosen life path and success.  Asking for help made me stronger than I ever would have been on my own.

xo

a

Ownership Has It's Privileges

Howdy, I was speaking to a relative about communication the other day.  She had never communicated what she wanted or needed but harbored much anger toward those who weren't meeting her needs.  I tried to give her insight into the idea that no one can be held responsible for anyone else's lack of action.  We are all responsible for ourselves and communicating our own needs.  Yet, through our culture of blame it is much easier to see fault in someone not just "knowing" what you need instead of owning the fact that you have to do the work to communicate (as many times as you have to in order to be heard) what it is you need… even if that means risking not getting your needs met.  See, speaking your truth doesn't mean it will be accepted by others… but you cannot get anywhere without trying, without risking, without speaking.  You most certainly have less of a chance of getting what you need if you never actually admit to having needs.

The fear, however, is so great that we hide behind the idea that people should know this or should have know that.  We actually believe that other people should be mind readers even though we don't do a good job of understanding what someone else wants.  We get angry with each other and literally resent people for not knowing what they were never told.  We argue over things being common sense or not, when the reality is, did they know?  Were they told?  Nothing is really obvious when it comes down to it.  If it isn't explicitly communicated you cannot expect it to be understood (even then you may need to do some work around it).  We spend so little time communicating our needs that we don't truly know how to.  Our fear of not being heard or our fear or judgement that we aren't deserving, mixed with our resentment for not getting our needs met create a scary combination.  It is a wonder how any relationship survives (in my opinion).  How many times have you expected someone to treat you one way or another only to have them do something else?  How did you respond?

We are a culture that blames.  We blame the government, the weather, God (if you have one or more), fast food, alcohol, other people, TV, guns, etc.  I don't believe I have ever turned on the TV or listened to the radio to hear our media discuss how each person contributes to their own personal issues, let alone the world's joys and pains.  I don't believe I have ever overheard a conversation where someone was saying, "I must take a long hard look at myself and what I am bringing to this situation that is perpetuating it."  I have heard that they did this, or they did that or they need to stop doing these things and everything would be ok.  It is no wonder why we oftentimes feel powerless over our lives.  It is no wonder why we go to war or have road rage.  It is no wonder why our world is in such turmoil.  We are all pointing the finger at someone/something else, rarely seeing where we can start to make a shift in the world.

How can you take ownership for yourself today?

xo

a

You, All Of You

Howdy! How much do you hide in order to be loved?  What about yourself are you ashamed of and would prefer to never see the light of day?  When did you recognize this thing that you so revile was a part of you?  Do you claim it or do you try to ignore it away?  Have you ever been with anyone that has something similar to that thing you have that you try to deny?  How did they handle it?  We are very sensitive souls and we are very afraid little beings in so many ways.  We all at least one thing that we do, have done, would do, that we would prefer no one know about (maybe you have done your work and have gotten through it, but we can all relate).  There are lengths that one goes to in order to get rid of something that they are ashamed of and those lengths are never long enough, never deep enough to hide who we are and push away what we need to accept.

Love, we all want it.  We all crave it.  We all go in search of it.  Some of us have found it, others are on the hunt.  We do things specifically to get it.  Much of the time what we do lacks in authenticity and is covered in judgement.  We show others the parts of ourselves that we have decided are lovable.  We withhold the areas we would prefer to not have from the one we would like to have.  We try our damnedest to be all that we want to be instead of embracing who we actually are.  We don't share with others the parts that we think they would judge as harshly as we have.  Still, we want to be loved fully.  How is it possible for anyone to love us fully if we don't actually do the same.  You are  telling someone that you don't love yourself but you would like it if they could love you.  That is telling someone that you don't want to be yelled at and yelling at everyone else around you.  It is hypocritical.  You are not doing it, you aren't loving yourself.  You are hating on something you are or a behavior that you display and yet you want to be loved fully.  If you don't see how all of you is worthy how will anyone else?

There may be things in your life, history, behavior that you would prefer to change, this is the case for all human beings.  We are always working on progress.  Hating it won't actually make it disappear.  If you want something to change you will need to actually look at it, find out what, why, when and where.  You may find that you don't want that behavior gone or the history erased.  It actually makes up who you are and in some way has a purpose.  We are here and we are deliberate.  We are not mistakes.  When this is a reality in your world it is easier to look at all of you and allow the various parts to be acknowledged and even given space to exist in a way that allows them to show up when you want them to, not on accident.  The very thing you have been trying to hide usually bites you in the ass at some point, so you might as well make friends with it so that you can be its master instead of the other way around.

You may also want to show this to the one you would have love you.  If you aren't showing someone who you are, really, how will they have the opportunity to love who you are, really?  When you decide for someone else what they would or wouldn't like you don't give them the opportunity to decide for themselves.  You may have failed relationships (intimate or otherwise) that have more to do with your inauthenticity than anything else.  Be yourself, be brave, be fearless and you will be loved.

xo

a

You First

Hello, When it comes to loving others, truly loving and being able to hold space or take care of what it is they need, the order would have to be you first.  Trying to give to someone something you deny from yourself isn't sharing love.  Trying to be what someone else wants when you don't know what you want isn't sustainable and at some point it will be too much for both or one of you.  Being there for someone requires that you know what that feels like, that you do it for yourself and/or have had someone be there for you in the ways you need them, not how they wanted to.  You are that someone…always.

Before you venture off trying to save the world, save yourself.  I am always baffled by the amount of giving people do for one another and at the same time think that giving to themselves is a sin or not the direction that they need to focus on.  Please understand, we are here to assist in the development of the whole but not by sacrificing ourselves… we are the whole.  Look at the world like a fractal, what I do to me just repeats and repeats on all levels.  And, it goes on and on and on.

Be that person that listens well with yourself.  Be the one who is always kind, with yourself.  Notice how well you treat you.  See if there is room for improvement in every aspect.  Do you like to be picked on?  Nagged?  Told that you suck?  Then why would you do it to yourself?  How would you trust someone who doesn't trust themselves?  Do you trust yourself?  Do you feel worthy of love?  Of joy?  Of happiness?  How would someone else really find that in you if you haven't found it in you?  How could you ask for something you yourself won't do?

You are the source.  You are the alpha and omega.  You are where the pain begins and where it can end.  You are where the love begins and where it can spread.  Focus on what it is that you are needing, feeling, seeing, hearing, afraid of, loving, wanting, deciding, thinking.  Make your work you.  Accept the things that you wish to change with the joy of a child.  Be curious about yourself.  You are amazing.  There was a day where your being born was the highlight.  You are enough just because you are… you exist.  Now get on with working on this existence, making it the best one you could imagine.  Share yourself and your growth so that others may shine their own light as well.  When we forget who we are chaos ensues.  When we believe that someone else holds the key we remain locked in place, rigid, unmoving.  We are the key, the lock, the sun and the moon.  When you feel yourself, whole, nothing can penetrate that.  You are much more effective when you are full of love than when you are looking for it.

See where you are taking care of or neglecting yourself.  Then look at your world.  Do you see you reflected?

xo

a

Resonate

Howdy! We have all felt stuck.  We have all felt like we weren't able to get out of wherever we are.  We have all annoyed our friends because our lack of action to move away from what is seemingly hurting us.  The bottom line is you will stay where you are until you are ready to leave.  Period.  Know this.  No one can make any choices for you and you cannot rush being ready to choose.  There are things that you are learning, valuable things that you will never forget… it is hard to have perspective when you feel that you are in the middle of hell.

Remember that how someone behaves towards you is an example of how they are treating themselves.  It is hard to remember to not take things personally when you are the one being treated one way or another… but we are all bringing to us what we need to learn from and that is the difficult reality that most would choose not to face.  The universe hears us and has a completely different definition of love and compassion than the ones we would like them to have.  The universe knows that love is giving you what you need to learn what you must in order to move forward.  The universe doesn't play favorites, it isn't biased.  It answers our soul's longing for growth and creates what we resonate.

Resonate.  Resonate.  Resonate.  This is my message for you today.  Imagine you are a guitar being strum.  What notes will you produce if you were being played?  What music does your heart make?  If you were being played in a music hall, who would come to fill up the seats and listen?  What type of crowd would line up around the block to hear one note from your symphony?  Would you have people who were crying and lamenting being drawn to you?  Would your audience be pensive or melancholy?  Would it be a crowd that was filled with angst and anger?  Or would you have a crowd that was so filled up with love and joy that you were lifted up by their presence as they are by yours?  Resonate.  Resonate.  Resonate…on purpose.  Because you do it anyway.  Make the music you want to hear.  That music you make changes the 'where you are' to the 'where you want to be'.

Have a great day!

xo

a

Love Not Fear

Happy Friday! The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure." ~Sven Goran Eriksson

Fear is unbelievably powerful.  Fear motivates us to change what we do, how we treat others, how we treat ourselves.  Fear will get us to give up our freedoms.  Fear will get us to hurt others.  Fear basically will kick our ass.  Fear also makes certain that love is lost.  With fear being present there is no space for love.  You are not allowed to live immersed in both.  Yet so many people will fall into love with someone based on the fear that there aren't any better options, that they should, that they need to be partnered at a certain point or age in life.  Fear will keep someone in an abusive relationship with someone else and/or with themselves.

Often we are afraid to be who we are, fully.  We show only the parts that are shiny and nice.  We hold onto and hide the parts that we have deemed unlovable.  We have taken the parts that we feel would push someone away and shown them piecemeal, after we feel secure that the person loves "us."  Well, what "us" are they loving if they don't have all the information?  What you have you given them the opportunity to fall for.  How would they stay with you when they don't know who you are?  What do we expect when we don't give someone the opportunity to know all of what they are getting into.  It is like we want to get someone attached and then show them the stuff that they would run from otherwise but won't now because they are obligated through promises made when ignorant of the truth.  Think about it.  Is that what you want?

Why would you enter into anything not being your authentic self?  What do you have to gain?  Well, it isn't always that black and white.  Most of the time we don't know we aren't being authentic, we just aren't accepting of who we are.  We haven't actually spent time loving up on the parts that we hide.  Yet, we hope that someone will love us enough to have to deal with the shit they never knew existed when they first fell in love.  We get into relationships and wonder why they don't work.  We leave or get left, we fear abandonment and aren't understood.  The truth of the matter is that the fear of being left is realized when we don't show up for ourselves.  When we abandon all of ourselves we don't allow others to stick it through with us.  We show others that we aren't worth staying.  When we deny the truth of who we are, others don't want to live that lie.  When we base our lives on who we want to be and not who we are we end up feeling lonely and lacking.  You must be the person you want to be with in the world.

What do you want?  How do you want to be loved?  Do you want someone who knows you, all of you and loves you because of it? Do you want to hide yourself and live a life pretending to be other than who you are?  Are you willing to accept the parts of you that aren't what you want to sing and dance about?  Do you feel worth putting yourself out there so that the one who will love you for all of it can actually find you?  When you hold back on who you actually are you don't give someone the opportunity to love all of who you are.  We are way to caught up with catching someone than being caught.  We are way to afraid to be who we are and have faith that we are worthy of love, deserving of unconditional love, destined for true love.  You are enough.  You are exactly right for someone.  You, all of you just need to come out of the dark, let go of the fear, walk towards yourself with open arms, then show yourself in all of your glory to the world and let your love find you.

"Fear is faith that it won't work out."  ~Anon

xo

a

That Old Feeling

Howdy, "Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain."  ~Robert Gray Lee

We all get hurt.  Nothing that freaks us out, hurts our feelings or brings up a feeling of being overwhelmed stems from this moment.  We are all replaying and reusing old pain when new pain arises.  You may feel abandoned by a friend at some point, regardless of whether or not the friend actually abandoned you.  What that fried may have done is helped you recall the feeling of abandonment.   You feelings of abandonment are not rooted in the present moment.  Something somewhere happened and you are now vigilant about  finding the things that you have been hurt by in the past, in order to not feel them in the future.   You can always tell when the feeling is from the past.  You tell this because you recognize it.  It is familiar.

We don't mean to tell someone that they did something.  We just don't ever get the tools to really say what is happening for us.  In some ways we may actually feel like the person is actually doing something to us because of how attached our response is to their behavior.  What hurts us the most is what we tend to look for the most.  We put energy into it and feel justified on doing so when we tend to find what hurt us everywhere we look.  We believe we find it because it is there.  The truth is that it is there because we look for it.

Taking the blame out of your pain is a big deal.  Knowing that  what pains you stems from past experiences can, if you are able to in the moment, de-escalate the interaction by taking ownership of your issue… by knowing the root as well.  You don't have to know where it cam from to know that it didn't start today.  No one is experiencing trauma (regardless of the kind) for the first time at the age of 30.  You are in the middle of being triggered by a situation that reminds you of previous times.  This can be frustrating at times and unpleasant for the one who does the triggering… but it doesn't have to be all for naught.

When you are in a relationship/friendship or what-have-you, you are working towards a deeper understanding of yourself.  Through others you will see yourself.  All you need to do is look.  Being triggered allows you to face some past hurts that have yet to be resolved.  In actuality being triggered is a blessing if your goals are to know who you are and where you came from.  Being triggered allows you to put some closure on the past.  If it isn't happening right now then you are ok and when it is happening right now you are managing it because that is what we all do.  We are fine, we are strong, we are able even when we are not.

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."  ~Khalil Gibran

xo

a

Us

Howdy, Relationship, whether it is with ourselves or with another, is integral to the human experience we are all in.  We learn about ourselves in relation to others.  When we are shown who we are in relationship, we choose to deny or accept what we have learned.  We choose to take ownership or we blame.  We either hold or let go of what is being given to us.  The choice is ours.

If you don't like where you are, who you are, in this moment then you are going to have a hard time relating to others and at some point, to yourself.  When you spend much or your time denying and lying about what is really happening for you the ability to move beyond it is nearly impossible.  Without an acceptance of what is, what will be remains elusive.  You are not able to find out what is next when what is here is turned down and denied.  If you have left yourself, turned your back on where you are, pretended like never are yet always will be, you will remain stuck, churning and frustrated.  Working on relationships with others and with yourself is imperative for growth.  You cannot only know yourself as you are reflected back through relationship with another, you will need to find out who you are in relationship to yourself.

We all have parts of ourselves that we neglect when we are alone or put on others when we are together.   Having a balance is important for a healthy relationship to be sustained.  Where do you see your place in your life and relationships?  How well do you know yourself?  The constant in all of your relationships is you, so it may behoove you to figure you out.  What patterns have emerged whether you are alone or not?  What relationship has helped you accept the parts you would choose to hide?  Where do you still try to keep yourself from seeing who you are?  When was the last time you had a love affair with yourself or another?  Does it feed you daily?  I feel that your relationship with yourself needs to be your foundation; your relationship with another is a reflection of that.

I know that my relationships with others reflect strongly my relationship to myself.  When I am healthy in regards to my loving of me, I have an easier time with others treating me well, loving me well, knowing me.  When I feel undeserving, less than, I attract those who support those feelings.  If you are feeling less than, unsupported and alone… go home to yourself.  Come back to your first love affair with you or find that love in relation to another.  Let one feed the other, however you find it, just find it.  Allow yourself to be loved for being, for just simply being.  No judgement, no fear, no reservations.

 

Come Back

Come back now

and wrap your

self

around my shell, for I have felt

my core

melt with your words and touch

 

and whatever is left of me

I want you to catch, de-liquify

 

my heart, place it gently back

as we meet eye to eye.

 

Until then

have me at breakfast

so you are strong throughout the day.

~A.C.

 

xo

a

Keep Calm

Hi! Sometimes our heads can be scary places.  We have so many voices telling us so many things.  We have voices that are dedicated to putting us down.  We have voices that are dedicated to criticizing others, doubting what we know, knowing too much and so forth and so on.  We have a lot of activity up in that noggin of ours.  It is a wonder how we get anything done ever with so much chaos and ruckus going on internally.  We spend so much time in our heads that we sometimes assume that other people are there, in our heads, making us happy, pissing us off, or staying centered.  The truth is we make up the direction someone's voice or actions goes; we decide which filter to push it through and then we ask for assistance around something we created.  It is pretty amazing actually.

The thing is, most of us have no idea when we are making things up so I thought I would give you some clues to be able to bring awareness to your own brand of crazy:  When you think that someone did something on purpose to piss you off.  Well, this is just ridiculous.  As I have said to many people, "I don't think about you enough to plot against you."  I mean, really?  Who is sitting around trying to figure out ways to deliberately upset someone?  The next time you imagine that someone is focused so much on you and is trying to find a way to make you angry, instead of saying anything just reach for the nearest set of workout clothing and go run, walk, or move your body and get a grip.  When you think that you will never  Well, never say never, eh.  This is another time where I find something clever to say like, "Save the drama for your mama."  Basically, relax.  You may not have an understanding, love, friends, the body you want, money, whatever now but you can't say that is won't ever be the case.  How do you know about ever?  What about you is fixed, unchanging?

Basically we need to sometimes back up, think about what we are really saying and how we are behaving and find it in ourselves to really look at the situation.  Why would anyone do anything to you to hurt you?  Why would the universe put you here to keep you stuck in the same place?  Are you the only thing in the world that won't change?  Honestly?  Movement is a part of life, love is all that exists when we open ourselves to it, and the world isn't out to get you.  Give yourself, the universe and everyone else the benefit of the doubt and see where that leads you.

xo

a

Go CRAZY!

Howdy! Having a Girls Night is always a good idea, if you are a girl, have friends that are girls and want to hang out… otherwise ignore that statement.  :)  Lots of fun conversations are had when the ladies all congregate.  When I have girls nights we generally talk about love and sex.  Last night was one of those nights.  Girls, Thai food and love/sex talk.

My girls and me discussed falling in love.  When you are with someone for a while it can totally happen time and time again, in various ways.  With a little creativity you can relive various parts of the beginning.  For those who are single and not 15 years of age, love is complicated because of the baggage we accumulate over time.

When was the last time you acted like a teenager in love?  When was the last time you let your guard down, felt without judgement, spoke without a filter, professed your undying devotion and basically went a little craycray?  Do you remember how that felt?  Your first love, your first crush, your first falling into the pool of emotion where you are drunk with chemicals being released.  What happened, when did you stop feeling that way, if you did?  Why?

I know that I stopped loving fearlessly when I had been dumped hard on my ass.  The first time I was absolutely crushed I was twenty years old.  I was in love and with the only person I thought I could be with forever.  It was the first time I really truly understood what it was to only have eyes for one person.  Up until then mine had been fond of wandering.  I was left, cheated on, broken-hearted, crushed beyond recognition.  I was honestly so hurt that I shut off a part of my heart.  It was closed.  That part was the part that trusted.  The part that believed that I could be so sure about being with someone and have it be true for them too…  Years later, I met my future spouse.  I remember believing that this was it and that I had healed from that initial devastation years previous.  I hadn't.  I was still nursing those wounds.  That feeling had become my new normal.  I had begun thinking my way through love instead of feeling it.  I was no longer innocent.  I was no longer loving with my whole heart.  I had begun to fear the pain that was possible with the loss of a relationship, before that relationship was lost.  Never a good way to live.

We adults like to control and monitor everything.  We don't like to be seen as reckless.  Falling in love is like going crazy.  You cannot see straight, you lose things, you are nervous, you are excited, you are raw, you are on the surface.  You risk all sorts of things just to have the opportunity to see your beloved.  Most of us have been hurt.  Most of us are nursing wounds.  Most of us don't know how to get back to being our open, loving selves.  We think that following rules around love is the way to be safe.  We think that making sure they look good on paper is going to ensure that the relationship has a chance.  We cut out our very important teammate when we look for love as a grown-up… our heart.  We forget to find out how we really feel.  The truth of the matter is falling in love isn't like eating oatmeal.  Falling in love is like being possessed… or at least it can be.  When you are open to letting go love will catch you.  It will.  It has taken me a long time to remember that.  It has taken me a lot of pain to get fed up with holding back.  It has taken me a long time to find myself again.

I am now open.  I am now ready to be that teenager again.  I am ready to feel deeply, laugh like a teenager, and love like there is no tomorrow.  What about you, what are you waiting for?

xo

a

Move.

Hi there, When you show up things happen.  Generally, when you show up, the things you want to happen, happen.  I sometimes say that I want to win the lotto, followed by, I need to start playing.  The bottom line is, things rarely just fall in your lap, you have to bring opportunity to you by putting yourself in its way.  I know that I am lucky because I work my ass off.

We all have dreams.  We all have hopes.  We all want things to work out in our favor.  What exactly do we do to make our favor, favorable?  Too often I see people make excuses for not beginning something they would like to see finished.  Complaining about a present situation but doing very little to make that something a thing of the past.  Gone are the days of "I don't know where to begin."  After all, we have Google :)  You can literally type anything on a computer and there will be some answer somewhere that may not be the right one but it may get you thinking about possibilities you hadn't thought of before.  Even if you don't google your hopes and dreams you can most definitely ask people you know what they would do… or better yet, you can sit still with yourself and pay attention.

Then you have to act.  Nothing gets done without action.  Complaining, ignoring, denying, blaming and otherwise doing nothing will leave you complaining, ignoring, denying, blaming and otherwise doing nothing.  Even if you start in a direction that you aren't sure of, at least you are doing something.  So often people allow themselves to be paralyzed by the fear of not knowing what the outcome will be (like you can read the future, really), judging a choice to act as wrong/right or because they put the onus on someone else (or something else) to do something for them.  You are the one that can change your life.  No magic pill, no job, no person, no-thing can decide for you.  It is your responsibility to see after your self, tend to your dreams, encourage your hopes and own your decisions.  Your life is a gift, a magnificent experience that deserves more than complacency and fear.

I urge you to move your body, stimulate your mind, make some choices and go for it.  Seriously.  Even if that choice is being still, own it, know that you are the one deciding to be where you are until you decide to be somewhere else.

xo

a

Practice Fearlessness

Howdy, What happens when we let go of our fear?  It is funny how many times we need to be reminded of who we are before we begin to listen.  We are the creator of our world.  So when we fear we create that which we want the least.  What would your world look like without fear?  It is a fantastic exercise to put into practice regularly.  Start now.

My world without fear looks like this:  I reach out more and ask for the support that would allow me to do the work that I do with more ease.  I would call up a couple of people and let them go from my world.  I would contact the people who I admire and ask for advice, mentorship or just talk.  I would only eat fruit (I am almost there).  I would let go of past pain since I hold onto it to keep me from being hurt in the same way (funny, huh?).  So, I see myself, eating better than I do, allowing assistance and loving fearlessly.

Write down what your world would look like.  You can email or respond in the comments section.  Either way, imagine it.  See you without the limitations you place on yourself.  You will overcome your fear when you are ready or when you have to.

xo

a

Just Say It

Howdy there! Have you ever bitten your tongue, beaten around the bush, tried to infer what you were meaning?  How did it go?  I am guessing that you have had some success at having someone 'get the hint' and some epic fails where you just made it worse.  What did you learn from it all?  Well, I have learned that I need to just say it, get it over with and deal with the backlash, if there is any, because the beating around the bush leads to more ridiculousness than saying it 'straight' as it were.

I have done a great job, in my professional and personal life, of being direct in my communication.  However, there are times where I beat around the bush, and those times never end well.  Usually the lack of directness is because of the concern around how someone will respond.  Sometimes it may be due to not having a solid hold on how I am actually feeling or wanting from a situation.  Either way I end up having to deal with the fact that I didn't just say whatever the hell it was that needed saying.

Letting someone know you don't like them, you want them to leave you alone, that they are fired, that they aren't cut out for the position for which they applied, all seem like crappy things to have to do.  The truth is, doing it quickly, with tact and honesty, beats drawing it out due to the fear of an unknown (imaginary) response.  When you let someone know the truth and you let go of the attachment to the response that they will have once they hear it from you, all becomes a lot less stressful.  I have always appreciated being told the reason behind being let go, dumped, ignored, etc.  I know that this may not be the case for some, some people would prefer to not know if it isn't yummy.  I get that, but I also know that letting someone know why they were rejected is a wonderful gift that they can interpret in the way that makes to most sense for them.

The next time you have the opportunity to say what you mean to say, do it.  Say it with love.  Say it with the intention to heal not hurt.  Say it, most of all, say it.

xo

a